Thursday, September 29, 2005

Here By Me...Day 16

I hope you’re doing fine out there without me, ‘cause I’m not doing so good without you. The things I thought you’d never know about me were the things I guess you always understood. So how could I have been so blind for all these years? Guess I only see the truth through all this fear, and living without you…And everything I had in this world, and all that I’ll ever be; it could all fall down around me, just as long as I have you right here by me. I can’t take another day without you, ‘cause baby, I could never make it on my own. I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you and to be back in your arms where I belong. Sorry I can’t always find the words to say but everything I’ve ever known gets swept away inside of your love…

Whatever happened, it doesn't even matter now. I just miss you very much. And the thing that scares me the most is the thought that that was all we'll ever find...

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

New words!

Ok, before I get to the reason for this post, which is about words that don't exist (but should), I just have to get this little rant off my chest. Ladies, this one's for you. Do any of you like to see pics of guys where they've simply cut out their last chick of the moment? There's this pic of the guy...with this arm at the edge of the pic, attached to nothing. Not like I'm interested, but I'm sorry, but that irritates the crap out of me! I KNOW you've got to have other pics of yourself, ones that don't include random arms to nowhere! Ok, that said, here are some words that aren't...as far as I know...in the dictionary, but definitely should be! :-P

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. *I can do this one!*

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. *Come on...I know you do this*

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. *I do this! I've been known to ask for someone else!*

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. *Nah...it's called SCREENING...lol*

That's all for now, dorkfish!

Sunday, September 25, 2005

who you'd be today...

This song came out about a week too late, but a month too early. Anyway, it's my job to torture Tiff, so I'm putting it on here now. It's Kenny's new song, and HOLY CRAP. Cold chills...this one's for you, Bob. Most things lately seem to be.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most, wear the pain like a heavy coat, feel you everywhere I go. See your smile, see your face, hear you laughing in the rain...still can't believe you're gone. It ain't fair, you died too young, like a story that had just begun. But death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, all the hell that I've been through just knowing no one could take your place. Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today. Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams, settle down with a family? Wonder, what would name your babies? Some days the sky's so blue, feel like I can talk to you...I know it might sound crazy. It ain't fair, you died too young, like a story that had just begun. But death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, all the hell that I've been through just knowing no one could take your place. Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today. Today, today, today...sunny days seem to hurt the most, wear the pain like a heavy coat. The only thing that gives me hope is I know I'll see you again someday...someday, someday...

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Welcome home Granny!

I'm very happy to report that my sister-in-law's grandmother has been found alive and mostly well, with the exception of a broken arm. This woman is my new hero! She's in her 90s...we can't seem to agree on exact age, and wandered off Wednesday morning. I don't think anybody had any faith in her. Everyone was basically looking for a body. But sure enough, she came wandering out of the woods this evening, perfectly fine. I'm sure she's probably starved and thirsty and freezing, but she's alive! Welcome home Granny! You're tougher than I would've been, that's for sure!

Friday, September 23, 2005

When the lights go down...

So tell me, is it better to be last on the list...or never thought of at all? An old friend who's only called me ONCE this year just up and calls me tonight out of the blue. When I asked why, I was basically told that he couldn't reach anyone else! NICE. It was almost kind of comical. Half drunk, looking for his girlfriend's estranged husband to fight him, and wanting encouragement for this! OMG...you just turned 33 last month! Please tell me men grow out of this adolescent cave man thing at some point. Because if they don't, then I quit right now. That ain't even cool. Heaven help us all.

Time is leaving us behind. Another week has passed, and still I haven't laughed yet. So tell me what your secret is...letting go like you did.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Happy Fall

Happy Fall!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Happy Birthday in Heaven...

I know I already posted about this, but screw it. It's my webpage, and I'm doing it again.

I guess I miss you more today, 'cause it's your birthday. And I couldn't bear for you to spend it here alone. Wish I could say this to your face, instead of talking to your name carved in stone...

If I had one more day, one more hour or even minute with you, I'd hug you, kiss you, tell you how much you mean to me, and then tell you this one thing that'll haunt me forever: Yes Bobby, I remember.

I still remember exactly where I was when Logar called and told me you were gone. I couldn't believe it; I'd just waved at you on my way out of town. There must be some mistake. Must be someone else with a truck like yours. But...there was none. It was you, and you were gone. Just like that. No final words were spoken, no time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why. I still remember where I was standing the night of your wake when I talked to Dave, and he said what still echoes through all of our minds and hearts: I can't believe the fucker's gone. Today would've...SHOULD'VE been your 33rd birthday, and we're still trying to deal with losing you. None of us were ready to let you go. And I don't think any of us ever really has. You're a part of us now, and through us, you will live on. As long as we live, you will never be forgotten. We won't let you. We love you more than you ever knew. And now you never will.

Robert Gene Hammons
September 19, 1972~October 28, 2004


I'll Be Missing You


With regards to Diddy...whatever his name is today...

Bobby, they gotta know that life ain't always what it seem to be. Words can't express what you mean to me. Even though you're gone, we're still a team. Through your family, we'll fulfill your dream. In the future can't wait to see if you open up the gates for me. Reminisce sometime, the night they took my friend; try to black it out but it plays again. When it's real, feelings hard to conceal. Can't imagine all the pain I feel; give anything to hear half your breath...I know you're still living your life after death. Every step I take, every move I make, every single day, every time I pray, I'll be missing you. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you. It's kind of hard with you not around; I know you're in Heaven smiling down. Watching us while we pray for you, every day we pray for you. Till the day we meet again, in my heart is where I'll keep you friend. Memories give me the strength I need to proceed, the strength I need to believe. My thoughts, Bob, I just can't define. Wish I could turn back the hands of time...one black morning, when this life is over, I know I'll see your face.


And besides...
I don't have to see you to know you're here. I can hear your voice around me everywhere. It's calling to me, words I can't ignore. Calling to me, stronger than ever before. For one moment, nothing is out of place. For one moment, this is our place in history. For one moment, nobody else understands...one moment can last eternity. I don't have to touch you to feel your skin. I can sense your arms arwell, you have to do what youound me deep within. Your heart is alive, and will always be. Your heart is alive, alive in me.

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Bobby. We miss and love you always.
September 19, 1972~October 28, 2004

GIT-R-DONE BOB!

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Always...aka Day 5

And so...life goes on. Still very much missing him, still very much wanting him back. But in a way, I'm doing ok. It's like I told Woody...I'm like a dead person. I can't stay down too long. After awhile my body fills with gases and I float back up. lol. I'm NOT a dead person, and I DON'T have gas...it was just some whacked out analogy. This is my song for today (not the whole song, just a couple verses):
It's been raining since you left me, now I'm drowning in the flood. You see I've always been a fighter, but without you I give up. Now your pictures that you left behind are just memories of a different life. Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry, one that made you have to say goodbye. What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair...
Yeah, well, you get the point. On a higher note, I have a county deputy offering to wash my car for me. Knowing this boy, I don't wanna know what I'd have to give him in exchange, so I think I'll wash my own damn car. I also got my book today. Swim Naked, Defy Gravity, and 99 Other Essential Things To Accomplish Before Turning 30. Here's your thing to accomplish for today: Invest in seriously frivolous undies. Because? Because "there are those days when you need a mental lift, and simply feeling the silky, sexy texture and knowing you're wearing something naughty changes your whole attitude."
In closing, I have but one final thought for...right now:
GO VOLS!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Day 1

Well, this is the first day he's been officially completely totally gone...in so many ways. Well, I guess. Beats the hell out of me. But this is day one, and by my calculations, he'll be done and on his way home sometime around December 27th. So I guess only time will tell what happens, huh? And so, believe it or not, I don't feel so much like wallowing too bad today, so I'm gonna do a list. This list is called The Last 10 Things a Woman Would Ever Say:
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really IS 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong...you must be right again.

:-P Enjoy your break while it lasts. I can guarantee it WON'T.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Monday Morning Church

You left my heart as empty as a Monday morning church...

Y'all just better get used to this, 'cause I'm gonna be wallowing for awhile. Until the day I wake up over him, or he decides to come back. At which time we will have to have a loooooooooong and very lengthy discussion on why the HELL he left in the first place. I'm sorry for those of you who think I should get over it, but you just don't look at someone the way he looked at me...you don't talk about wanting to meet the rest of the family, and kiss them on the forehead every time they roll over to face you in bed, only to up and disappear the very next day! I just don't get it. Some of my friends seem to think he'll be back. With all honesty, everything in my body says the same thing. This isn't over yet. It wasn't over then, it's not over now. It will never really be over for me, even if I never see him again, because there wasn't that last final goodbye. Wow...what a difference a week makes. Last week at this exact time, I was sitting in Taco Bell having lunch with him, talking about friends and family and the future. Laughing, playing, happy. What a difference a week makes. Have a depressed you guys enough yet? Don't breathe a sigh of relief. I'm far from being done. Y'all are going to be my therapy to help me get through this. One miserable post at a time! :-P

Monday, September 12, 2005

Miss me baby...

I'm changing this song to fit me, but this is definitely how I feel...

Miss me baby...when you hear our favorite song. Miss me baby...and when you start to sing along, think about all the times that we danced in the moonlight to it all night long...then miss me baby. Let my memory be the reason boy, that you can't sleep. I pray to God it's not enough, that I touched your heart so deep boy, you can't shake me. Cause I love you, yes I need you...miss me baby.

:'-(

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Losing my mind...

I know this is like, the 4th freaking blog I've posted today, but I NEED to. Having a really bad weekend. Just need to get it all out.
Seems like just yesterday you were a part of me. I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong. Your arms around me tight, everything, it felt so right. Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong, now I can't breathe, no, I can't sleep...I'm barely hanging on.

We still remember...

Why they call it falling...

I was reading back through old posts today, and some of them made me laugh, some I was like, WTF was I thinking, and WHO am I talking about, and others made me think and realize things. In my June 26th post I talked about a guy I met who genuinely seemed to like me, but I didn't really reciprocate the feelings. I was worried about him falling and me not catching him. Well, how time changes things. Here it is, September 11, and I'M the idiot who's fallen, and HE'S the one not catching me. Pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever known. I don't know what he's doing, I don't know where he's at, and I don't know what happened, and it's the not knowing that's killing me. I guess if it's meant to be, he'll find his way back to me. If not, then I'm outta here. There's nothing else keeping me here. Simple as that. I'm going home. But can I ask you to pray for me? That this one comes back and that everything's ok? I'm completely crazy about this guy. And until 3 days ago, I was sure he felt the same. Now I'm not sure about anything anymore. Except that I miss home. But I miss him even more.

Wanted:

Something out of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Can someone do that for me? Please? I'm begging.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Asking us to dance...

Baby, thank you for asking me to dance. Those 4 little words completely changed my life. And only for the better. Yeah, you didn't give me anything for my birthday, but in the words of an old Conway Twitty song, you sure took a lot of things away. You took away the loneliness, and the insecurity, and the wondering if I'd ever find someone who cared about me as more than just a 'friend'. You always say you're really shy around girls you don't know. Well, I don't know what in the world possessed you to ask me to dance that night, but I thank God each and every night that you did.

Darlin' tonight I am reminded how much these two hearts need romance. You know it isn't all that often we get this kind of chance. Why don't we get caught in this moment? Be victims of sweet circumstance? Tonight I feel like all creation is asking us to dance.

Thank you for asking me to dance. As I lay me down to sleep tonight, my one wish is for a thousand more dances with you. Sweet dreams baby.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Volunteers

This is for all you assholes out there who give me hell when y'all find out I'm a VOLUNTEER. THIS is for you guys who are constantly asking me, wtf is a Vol, anyway? WTF you volunteering for? This is what it means to be a Vol. This is the Tennessee Volunteer spirit, and I'm very proud to say that I am a Vol Girl. Know it, accept it, deal with it. And shut up about it.

Oh, and btw...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

I must say, I got a very pleasant surprise tonight. I was having one of those days I wasn't feeling too sure of myself, and feeling like I didn't really matter to most people, and an argument with Gunner seemed to reinforce that...but then, he showed up at my house this evening and wash all those worries away. Thank you baby, for making my birthday...or at least the first 10 minutes of it, since you had to leave...very special. Crazy about you...falling more every day.

Did I mention...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!?!?!?