Trouble is a woman...no...MAN

You know, I have a question. What do you do when...you say something to someone, and at the time you really mean it, and that's how you really feel...but then, after things change and feelings change and you no longer mean it, THEN they throw it up in your face. 'Well, what about when you said this?' No, I didn't call anybody anything in the past few days (:P) and I haven't said anything bad about or to anyone since Christmas night. A few months ago when I was happy I told someone I was. Well, now that things have changed and I don't feel the same, he throws it up in my face. Yeah, I meant it then. No, I'm not there now. Does he not understand that people and feelings change? Heaven knows his have enough over the years. *sigh*. MEN. Who needs them? Nothing but trouble. Thinking about your New Years' resolution yet? I am. I'm very happy to report that for once in my life I actually followed through with one. The one that I made last year has been accomplished. Let's see what we can do for 2005...any suggestions? I got one! MARRY DALE JR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't beat that!

Walking backwards, thinking sideways...

Just a little thought before I drift off to dream...if I wanted to, I could be as patient as death, fix this hole in my heart leaking into my flesh. If I wanted to, I could turn sparks into ice; there'd never be another woman who could make you think twice. I wouldn't have to be in love with you...if I only wanted to.

Charlotte's in North Carolina

Yeah, you heard me. I realized that it's been 2 months to the day since Bobby died. It already feels like a whole lifetime...I can only imagine what it'll feel like when it has been a whole lifetime. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him...but then, I don't really have a choice. I have to drive by the place where he died twice a day, then by where he's buried. But I'm doing better. I'm finally sleeping again. Now I just want to sleep all the time. Guess my body is trying to make up for the month or so I barely slept. But just because his life is over doesn't mean mine is. I still have a whole lotta living left to do...I hope. But in any case, his death taught me so much. I take even more pictures now than I did before, and I try to take nothing and no one for granted. Because you just never know. But in any case, thanks so much to Stef for thinking of me while she's drinking. lol...how that's supposed to cheer me up, I'm not exactly sure, but I guess just knowing someone's thinking of me does...or should. And so...my back and shoulder area are killing me, so I'm gonna go take a muscle relaxer and go pass out. You know it's bad when it hurts your shoulder to even lean up against anything. Who knows. I'm only 26, and already falling apart! What kinda shape am I gonna be in when I'm 40? Can't wait to see...

Can you ever really forgive...

...If you can't forget? I'm finding more and more that the answer to that is no, at least for me. I really don't think so. Someone once told me that a stupid person forgives and forgets, a fool neither forgives nor forgets, but a wise person forgives, but doesn't forget. If that's the case, then I guess I'm a fool. Because I'm having a lot of trouble doing either. With a lot of people in my life. And not trying to get all religious on you or anything, but I keep telling myself that Jesus would forgive...but right now, I just can't. Too many things have happened too many times. Yes, it's the day after Christmas, and I'm sorry to be the downer here, but this holiday made me realize how very UNHAPPY I am with my life. And you know, I'm well aware that only I can change that. But standing here looking at everything, I have no idea where to start! And I feel somewhat more down because today would have been my dad's birthday. Christmas will always be a bittersweet time for me because of that. But what can you do? Life goes on. And I apologize for this being a very depressing post. :-P So tell me something to cheer me up!

Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. It's almost over, but I hope you all had a good day, whatever you did and wherever you are. Me? I'm eating waaaay too much and doing absolutely NOTHING...but it's awesome! In this crazy life of mine, I don't get very many days where I have nothing to do and all day to do it. So I'm making the most of it. You do the same. Whatever you're doing, make the most of it. :-)

I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas...

...cause I've been nuttin' but BAD! But it's been SO much fun. Just woke up from a nap a little while ago. Why do I do that? I come home really tired, decide I'm gonna take a nap, then feel crappy every time I wake up. EVERY TIME. You'd think I'd quit doing that. I've been thinking...dangerous, I know. A girl I work with wants to hook me up with one of her boyfriend's friends. Not necessarily for anything serious, but for someone to have some fun with. At first I was like...ummmm no. But the more I think about it, the more I think, what can it hurt, really? So I'm debating whether I should tell her to go ahead and let this guy call me or not. I could really use your input, guys. Let me know what you think. I mean, it's not like I'm overwhelmed with options in this town!!! So..tell me something. I'm going to go wrap some more presents now that mini-me is asleep. Yay. I hate wrapping presents.

Welcome to WINTER

Well, it's officially the first day of winter...funny, someone should've told Jack Frost that DAYS ago. It was 8 below when I went to work yesterday morning, and then it was only 7-9 degrees last night! Did I mention that I HATE COLD WEATHER??? When is someone going to have mercy of me and rescue me from this town? Ahhh...I'm only half serious. I'm a big girl. Perfectly capable of getting my own big bad self outta here. It's a work in progress. You know, I've come to realize something...I NEED HELP. Yeah yeah...those of you who know me THINK you know this, but trust me...YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I need my head freaking examined. What was I thinking? Well...I guess I should look at the bright side. It was a lesson learned late, but better than never. And better than before any serious damage was done. But in any case, life goes on. You live and you learn. And for what it's worth, I don't regret it. I regret the damage it DID cause, but at the time I never imagined it would. But...never regret what you've done, because at one moment, at one time, it was all you wanted to do.

Some Beach...Somewhere HOT

Ok, this is nuts. It's freaking COLD. How cold? Well...just use your imagination. Body parts will do some serious shrinking in this weather. lol. It's 18 degrees. And I'm on call. Seriously people, give it a break for today. It's too cold and too bad out for this. I can barely see the house across the street, ok? If you think I'm venturing out because you need some attention...you might be sorely disappointed. I'm sorry (no I'm not), but I'm not risking my life for a job I don't even like! But anyway, apparently Chaney's Christmas play at church is still on, so I'm going to go get ready and PRAY I don't get any crisis calls. Come on...let me at least enjoy this CHURCH PLAY in peace. Please?

this could get interesting...

ok, let me start off first of all by saying I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING!!! i'm just getting tired of my other site, and all the hassle and upkeep with this, that, and the other, and believe it MIGHT be easier to try things this way. but we shall see, huh? anyway, finished up my Christmas shopping today, with the exception of my sister's gifts, but it's hard to buy for her WHEN SHE'S WITH YOU! anyway, chaney's sperm donor...errr...father, just brought her home, so i'm gonna go see what they're up to. catch me later!