who am I?

i never questioned it all through my turbulent teenage years. i never gave it a second thought at any time during college, and actually kind of felt pity for those who did. but here i am, almost 29 years old, unemployed with a masters degree living in an absolute hellhole, and one thought keeps pounding my brain...who the hell am i? and what do i want to do with my life? and i honestly have no answers. if i did, i'd do something about it. i have a masters degree. but yet, i can't find a job.

i think i may have royally screwed myself along the way by leaving those other jobs after only a few months. but in my mind, i thought (and still think) i had very legitimate reasons for leaving. but you don't see those reasons on resumes. all you see is the time of employment...all but one job wasn't longer than 6 months. so, sitting here being unemployed, sleeping half the day and just lounging around the house all day is making me feel pretty worthless. but i've applied for...probably around 8 jobs now, and haven't gotten a single call about any of them. so something's not working for me.

i talked to larry about it, and he helped me feel a little better by trying to place some of the blame on himself for wanting to move here, but it was a decision we made together. and he says he doesn't have a problem with me staying home. i do clean and wash dishes and do the laundry and cook, so it's not like i'm just laying around watching tv all day. but still, i don't feel like i'm contributing financially to this relationship and that he's having to carry us, and that bothers the hell out of me. i haven't worked in 3 months. i haven't been unemployed for 3 months since i finished school! i'm losing my freaking mind. i'm gonna end up being a stripper at the strip club. at least they make good money! :-P

The American G.I.

This is for that idiot who thought he was all big and bad cussing Larry as he drove the humvee through the parade in honor of our troops. I know he'll never see this, but hey, I know it's here. That's all that matters. Stupid people. But, like the guys of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour say, YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID. So here it is. In the words of my favorite character from Army Wives, HAVE AT IT:
It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier, not the lawyer, who has given us the right to a fair trial.
It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves under the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.

By Father Dennis Edward O'Brien, USMC

And by the way, only 2 defining forces have ever offered to die for you:
1. Jesus Christ
2. The American G.I.

Stupid people. Stupid man. He gets to sit in the bar (which is where he was standing, go figure) and drink his beer and run his mouth while our soldiers are dying so his dumb ass CAN sit there and drink his beer. Give guys like him guns and send them over there so we won't have to listen to them or put up with them. See what they have to say then. I don't see him doing a damn thing for his country, except yapping his trap and ruining everybody's good time.

come some rainy day...

"we move on, put those dreams away...thinking that we'll find them, come some rainy day." ~Wynonna Judd

you know, you don't really ever think about the end. we go along, taking things for granted (even though we say we don't), and one day...that's it. no explanation, no warning, no goodbye, no...anything. you think they'll always be there. the one person (or people) you never think will ever go away. through boyfriends and husbands, births and deaths, marriages and divorces...they're supposed to always be there. we used to live by the "two friends are one soul in 2 bodies" quote. i guess i should know better. life doesn't work that way. that isn't reality. things happen, people drift apart. i should've known better, but then again, i thought i knew YOU better.

i go on about my days as if nothing's wrong, nothing's off. but each and every single day, it hurts. it hurts unbelievably. it hurts as though i've lost the closest family member i've ever had. it hurts as much as it did when i lost my parents. so many times each day, even now, something will happen, or i'll think of something, and i want to pick up the phone and call...but i can't. literally, emotionally, and every other which way, i can't reach you anymore. you're so lost that i can't find you. i've never told a single soul the way i feel about this whole mess, but here i am, baring my soul to the world. i can't hold it in anymore. it has to go somewhere. it's breaking me in two.

you're the one person i always thought would be there. you knew me better than i knew myself, but i don't think i ever really knew you at all. the you i thought i knew would have never chosen this path you're on now. when i graduated, i was on a mission to save the world. i had no idea that the closest person to me needing saving the most. you were always, always there for me...and i can't help but feeling, given everything that's happened, that i wasn't there when you needed me most. not that i could've done anything to change the course of things, but maybe.

On the road again...

Yes, I know. I just saw. I haven't blogged since May 15th. But seriously, did anybody even notice? I seriously doubt that. I have nothing interesting to say. I'm never going to win a Pulitzer Prize for blogging (or for anything else, for that matter), so what's the point? Besides, my Maxim kind of bugged me when it had an article in it complaining about all the bloggers and vloggers on the Internet these days taking up useless space and using up bandwidth for stupid crap...like this. So, ok, I get your point. Nobody wants to hear or see my little online diary about my life. And truthfully, since I started dating Larry and got engaged, the drama has disappeared from my life. Well, the soap opera type drama anyway, with all the relationship/dating game crap. Now it's just the drama that comes along with blending a family, especially when one child is just a stone's throw away from being a teenager.

So, at the risk of Maxim sending me a nasty gram (Larry's little term for mean emails), I'm typing this any damn way. I haven't blogged in for-freaking ever because we moved again. Back to Richwood. Again. I swear, this place is like the Hotel California. You can check out, but you can't ever leave. I've been trying to leave since I was 18. I've left...4 times now, I think? And every single stupid time, I somehow end up back here. HELP! So here I float along, like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind, still searching for the perfect pizza, perfect job, and perfect cheese fries. *I have no idea where that came from...it just came out. But yeah, I'm still here, still alive, still kicking, if anyone cares. :-P