...all we ever find

There are times when we'll be talking, joking around, and I'll mention leaving. Larry tells me I'm free to go, and that he's not stopping me. Then there are times when I think about it. And then I think, what am I doing? I'm engaged to be married! I shouldn't think about leaving! I should be in eternal bliss and "happily ever after" in love. But then I realize I'm not leaving, I'm being realistic. Which I think is a good thing. I'm not betting on happy ever after or beds of roses and days of sunshine every day for the rest of my life. I know better. Relationships are work. Anything worth having takes a little bit of effort.

I'm not leaving. I'd never make it out the door. There are some times when admittedly, things could be going a HELL of a lot better than they are, but then I look at him, or see something of his...an article of clothing, his toothbrush, his cell phone...and I know that this is what I've waited, hoped, and prayed for. This moment and this man. I'd go crazy if something happened, if he was badly hurt or really sick, or if he got shipped to Iraq. I'd never leave. I'd lose my mind...what's left of it. Sometimes I might need to get away for awhile, but I'll always come back.

But if I know me, I'll turn this car around. I won't get halfway through town, and I'll be sorry. I'll stop and call, and you'll say you're sorry too, And I'll come runnin' back to you, if I know me. ~George Strait

*and no, nothing's wrong. I was just thinking, and wanted to get that off my chest.

WANTED:

a freaking job. As much as I've enjoyed this 2 1/2 week vacation, I really need a job. We're not financially strapped (we will be if I don't stay out of Wal-Mart and the stupid mall!), but I already miss having the extra cash. You gotta admit, even though I think I made crappy money for having a freaking MASTERS DEGREE (whole other post entirely, we won't go there tonight), having that extra 500-700 bucks every couple of weeks definitely boosted things. And here I am wanting to go to the beach this summer. Wanting is putting it mildly. I'm DYING here. And I stop and rationalize: how the hell can we go to the beach this summer??? I DON'T HAVE A JOB! We're going to pay for this vacation with what...seashells? And what employer in their right mind is going to go, ok, we'll hire you, and yes, we'll let you have that week off 2 months after you start! Just 'cause we're that nice! I suppose I could play it all off with the angle that we're scoping out our wedding site (which is part of my reasoning for the trip, anyway), and see if that works, but yeah right.

But seriously, I need a job. I would love nothing more than for some company somewhere to randomly contact me and say, hey, we'll pay you to sit at home on your butt and play on your computer all day. That'd be a dream, wouldn't it? I could easily put in 12 hours a day doing that! I do that ANYWAY! But #1--I'm not that lucky, and #2--I don't even know if there ARE jobs like that out there. If there are, they're probably scams, or they don't pay very much.

There's a part-time position available at the animal shelter here. I know it'd only be minimum wage, and yes, I KNOW I have a masters degree, but honestly, you know what? That's perfectly OK with me. I'm seriously pissed off at that masters degree. I want to BURN THE SUMBITCH. I recently found out that in a previous job I had along the way, there was another person in another office at another branch of the company doing the same damn work I was. This person had one of those freaking online technical school certificate/diploma things, or WTF ever they are...AND WAS MAKING MORE MONEY THAN I WAS! That pretty much soured me on the SIX YEARS AND THIRTY-TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS I freaking WASTED in college and to get that big bad masters, which apparently, DOESN'T MEAN A DAMN THING. So yeah, torch the sucker for all I care. Fat lotta good it does me. That's painfully obvious.

I'm going job-hunting again.