Tuesday, March 21, 2006

...for a little while...

*we were so long on love, but short on time...*
~Tim McGraw, For A Little While

well, this was one hell of a weekend, that much is for sure. walked into the bar saturday night, not a care in the world...looked to my right, and the very FIRST person i saw was the one person who ripped my world apart 6 1/2 months ago without even an explanation or goodbye. the night just went downhill from there. granted, i got some answers, but truthfully, part of me thinks i would've been better off never knowing. just letting it go. i thought i was over him. now i'm not so sure. some things i wish i'd never heard. but then again...no matter what else happens in my life from this point on, i know without a doubt for sure and certain that at least once in my life i was really, truly loved. and that in itself is an amazing feeling. i feel like a tumbleweed on a tilt-a-whirl. part of me is just like, let it go and walk away. it will always be a 'what might've been' moment. but another part of me isn't so ready to let him go. it wasn't over. i wasn't done. but i wasn't given a choice. but the question is: do i want to put my heart out there again? i can't trust that he won't get scared and run again. given his track record, i'd say the odds are pretty damn good. my heart absolutely cannot go through that again. but right now, my heart can't seem to let him go either. right now though, all i can give him is my friendship. we'll see what the future holds. but i do know this: it's gonna take something major to get me back. likely nothing less than a big fat engagement ring, and right now is extremely iffy if that would even work. *sigh*...drama drama drama. i need a vacation from my life.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Ana Isabel


This is my new little cousin, Ana Isabel! She was born March 6, 2006 at 5:02pm, and weighed 6 pounds, 13.5 ounces and was 19.5 inches long! How precious. Babies babies everywhere! Speaking of babies, I want to say something to another very special little one...HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY TANLEY BRIANNE!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Friends

If the good Lord calls me home, I'd like to think my friends will think about me when I'm gone...
~Tracy Lawrence, If I Don't Make It Back

...brings up all sorts of thoughts. If...when...something does happen to me, will my friends think about me? Would, say, Byrd, drink a Bud Light 'in my honor' every now and then? That line makes me stop and wonder how and even IF I've touched others' lives, at least enough to be remembered when I'm gone. Granted, I'm hoping I don't go anywhere for a long, long time, but again...none of us think that. I would love to think that I've made my friends' lives better and that I've been a great friend, but I can't be sure of that. I ASSUME I am, or they probably wouldn't stick around...would they? Would you stick around if someone was a horrible friend? Didn't think so. So I guess I've been at least a decent friend, because the friends I have, I've had for years. Or...is it that they stay out of habit? I always joke around with Tiff that we're not really friends anymore, but after almost 17 years, it's just habit. But what if that's really true?!?! Am I depressing or what? I read all these other blogs that are upbeat and hilarous, then here's mine...all pensive and deep and just plain depressing. I'm gonna go eat potato soup now.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Where does it hurt

Every Saturday night I watched Roy Rogers on TV, back when everything was black and white and easy to see. But now everything has changed...except my memory, of my daddy’s voice when I’d fall and skin my knee...Tell me where does it hurt? Where is the pain? You know if I could I’d make it go away. It’s not the end of the world, not heaven on earth. Did I make it better? Where does it hurt?

~Warren Brothers, Where Does It Hurt

Ok, so maybe it was more like Hee Haw, and in color, but in any case, I was right there with my daddy watching it every Saturday night as a child. And yes, everything has DEFINITELY changed. And what I wouldn't give to hear my dad's voice again. And my mom's. I can hear my dad's from time to time when I play those old home videos of him, but I'll never have that luxury with my mom. It's been almost 12 years since she died, and it sure feels it. Feels like longer, actually. Hell, feels like she never existed. But obviously she did. I see her in the mirror every morning. I see her when I look at my sister, and my nieces, and my own daughter. She surely must've been here. And as much as I still see her in every face every day, she's still here. The same goes for my dad...

How could you be so far away, when you're still here? When I need you you're not hard to find. You're still here...I can see you in my baby's eyes, and I laugh and cry. You're still here. I had a dream last night that you came to me on silver wings and I flew away with you on a painted sky. And I woke up wondering what was real...Is what you see and touch, or what you feel? 'Cause you're still here. Oh you're everywhere we've ever been. You're still here. I heard you in a strangers laugh and I hung around to hear him laugh again...just once again.

~Faith Hill, You're Still Here