Saturday, January 28, 2006

cry out to Jesus

I realized that I haven't posted about Bobby in awhile, and today seems like a good day to do it, given that he died on the 28th day. I guess that means I'm healing. Slowly, but surely. I heard a song the other day that reminds me of him, and of others I've lost along the way. This is for all of you who've lost someone you love. Cry out to Jesus.

To everyone who's lost someone they love long before it was their time; you feel like the days you had were not enough when you said goodbye. And to all of the people with burdens and pains keeping you back from your life. You believe that there's nothing and there is no one who can make it right. There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary, love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing. He'll meet you wherever you are...Cry out to Jesus.

Love that song. It's awesome. It's by a group called Third Day. Listen to it. Well worth it. Since I'm feeling better, and it's gorgeous out, I'm getting outta here!

Love you always, Bob.

Monday, January 23, 2006

my neurotic musing of the day

Monday...should've just stayed in bed. Almost did. Overslept by 40 minutes, first of all. Last night I couldn't get the freaking alarm to turn off when I was setting it. Today it wouldn't come on. Then I get up to a message on the computer from my best friend saying 'it's happened again'. What's happened again, I don't exactly know...but it can't be good. Those words typically aren't. Then I couldn't find my socks, shoes, or keys. My sister, thank Heavens, took Chaney to school, or that would've been a bigger mess. Poor child. Had to throw stuff on running. With her worthless excuse for a father and my complete ineptness, she will always break my heart. She deserves so much better than idiots like us. Granted, I'm 1000 times better than that piece of junk, but I'm still not good enough for her. On top of it all, I'm STILL sick, and it's STILL raining! Not that I mind the rain, just not when it's to the point of flooding! There's something sexy about the rain. Part of me wants a man to dance in the rain with me (ok, maybe not in January), but right now, a bigger part of me doesn't want to take a chance again. If any of you out there are wondering, no, this last guy didn't break my heart. Here's why--it wasn't even whole to start with. So, here's what he's credited with doing: he simply cracked it the rest of the way. That's all. The next guy who's brave enough to give it a shot better have some damn good super glue, that's all I have to say. Because it's going to take a lot. I'm about one turn away from chucking it all and running away. If it weren't for Chaney, I already would've. If it weren't for Chaney, I'd have already done a lot of things, not many of them very good. I thought this move would help. I thought wrong. Didn't make it worse, just...didn't help like I thought it would. Anyway, here's a parting thought: a woman can get her heart broken over and over and still keep looking for love. A guy gets his heart broken once and he's screwed for life.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Something about a Sunday

Alright, I really don't know what to post here, because I'm sick and my brain cells are immobilized in mucus and therefore rendered useless, but Tiff seems to think I should say something, because she's sick of reading the same post 30 times a day. Darn, hate that for her. So let's see what we can come up with, shall we? Well, I'm giving up on love, on guys. Somewhere between this one guy up and running, after expressly telling me he was going to stick around, to trying to meet new guys, only to be told these 3 things:

1. I want to tie you to a tree and make love to you all night long.
2. I'm not looking for a relationship, but if you want to be fuck buddies, I'd love that.
3. I want you to put clothespins on my dick and tie me to a bed.

So yeah, I'm hanging it up for awhile. The world is seriously freaking me out. Well, not so much the 2nd one, because that's "normal" for a guy to want the milk without buying the cow, but the 1st and 3rd...FREAKY. Tiff doesn't believe me. I don't really believe me either, but it's been almost a month since Ole Blue Eyes tucked his tail between his legs and ran for the hills, and I still feel just the same. Don't really want to be around them, don't really want to talk to them or deal with them in any way. I think they should send them all to the moon. That's the kind of mood I'm in. I'm fed up with guys, I'm sick, I'm tired, and I'm sick of being sick and tired! So there Tiff, there's your damn post. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

When the going gets tough...

...the tough (and the smart) get the hell outta Dodge. And that's exactly what I did. But I find myself looking over my shoulder at what I left behind. I read somewhere once, "Don't look back unless you intend to go that way." Well, I have to disagree. I think sometimes you have to look back to see how far you've come. And to keep from repeating past mistakes. Heaven knows I've made plenty. But...I have few regrets. Does that make any sense? Can we make mistakes without having regrets for those mistakes? My opinion is yes, because I'm living proof of that. Looking back at where I was, I can see how far I've come. I'm a million miles and years from the girl I used to be. I don't even know who that girl is anymore. I like who I am and what I've got, but God, I loved who I was and what I had. I've always thought that when I left Tennessee, I left the best part of me. Truth is, I still do. But things change. I've changed. Tennessee has changed. Would I even be happy there now? I already know the answer to that. Yes, I would. Without a doubt. It's my soul. I've been missing it a lot more since moving here, but realizing that he accomplished his goal and made it back really drives home the sad fact that I haven't. Again, another lifetime ago. But if anything, I remember how much he loved Tennessee and how he wanted to be back there. It took him awhile, but he made it. Guess I'm taking the scenic route. He's no longer in my life, and hurt me amazingly badly leaving it, but I realize now, thinking about it all, I've let it go. Because I am really, truly happy for him. And it makes me want to make myself happy. Have you ever been so in love with a place that it killed you to leave it, and the one thing you want more than anything is to go back? I swear, if Tennessee had an ocean, it would be my idea of Heaven on earth. My second thought is, what the hell am I doing in West Virginia?!?!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Live cheering drunken idiots

So, this has definitely been the OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE weekend for me. Thinking I had made a HUGE mistake. Miserable all weekend. It all started when I went out with my oldest niece on Friday night. Sure, we'll meet your friends there, have a good ole time. RIGHT. Long before Lance and the guys ever thought about showing up, there was entertainment. Of sorts. I beat Ashley at pool 3 times, and apparently I did this little...something...that was interpreted as a cheer by this guy. This is where the drunken part comes in. He comes staggering over, making some comment about me cheering. I tell him that I used to be a cheerleader, so that was most likely something that resembled that (whatever). The cheering idiot part comes in when this man, well into his 50s, at least, starts CHEERING and trying to do TOE TOUCHES IN THE BAR. OMG. I looked at Ashley, and I was like, 'is this dude gay or drunk?'. She simply responded with a 'I think it's both.' WTF? And then I had a known drug dealer all up in my shit rambling on about one-night stands. He told me "someday you WILL have a one-night stand. Trust me. You will." Uhhh...sorry to disappoint you, LOSER, but I will NEVER do that, because that's not who I am, and even if I should ever reach the point where I DO do that, I can guarandamntee you it won't be with YOU. I want to know where all the good ones are hiding. 'Cause these sure aren't them. I also want to know if I'll ever find a guy who won't be GREAT at first, say all the right things...then when it starts getting real, turn around and run like hell. Here's a news flash for you: IT'S SUPPOSED TO GET REAL. THAT'S WHAT RELATIONSHIPS DO. If you're wanting something oh, I don't know...FAKE...then get a blow-up doll. I am a real, live woman. I have feelings. I have a heart. I feel joy, I feel pain. I laugh when I'm happy and cry when you hurt me. Don't start with me unless you plan on sticking around to see it through, whatever happens. That's all I ask. Is that too much?

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Why

Fate has a way of changing, just when you don't want it to...

Dumb of me, I know. But I'm curious as to what it means. Does my heart know something I don't? Or maybe that I don't want to acknowledge? I thought I was past it. Thought I'd let it go about 8 months ago. So why, faced with what I was, was my heart so broken? If that's how it's really gonna be, I'm glad it wasn't reality, but only a dream. Which again, brings to mind...does my heart know something I don't? Why that particular dream? Why now? I let it go. Or at least, I thought I let it go. Apparently, some part of me didn't. Most dreams fade soon after waking. Not this one. It has stayed with me way too vividly. Especially the pain I felt. The pain was so real, I feel it even now, hours after waking. I keep asking, as I've already done several times here...why this? Why now? Why him? Basically...just...why?

I give up trying to understand me, so a warning to all of you out there: if I don't understand me, what makes you think YOU can?!?!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Out of time

My mind has been overwhelmingly preoccupied lately. I keep thinking about the miners, their families, friends...everyone they left behind. The whole thing just breaks my heart. Especially reading about the miners and who they were. I keep wondering how long these men laid there and suffered, dying slowly, before finally losing the battle. They just ran out of time. But how long before rescue teams got there? If it turns out it was only an hour or so before they got there, that makes it absolutely...there are no words. My brother and nephews are miners. This is my brother's mine. My nephews used to work there, but left for a union mine. My heart completely breaks for these families. I can't even imagine what it must be like to go to work, or watch your husband go to work every day, knowing very well he might not come home. I hope I don't ever have to, because if my heart breaks this much for people I don't even know, I don't think I could survive if it was someone I loved. I pray with everything I have that these families find a way to cope with this, and get through this. My heart and every ounce of my prayers are with each and every one of you.

**God bless the families and the miners of the Sago Mine**