back...in BLACK.

...now this is what I call FREAKING AWESOME.

...God only cries for the living...'cause it's the living who are so far from home. ~Diamond Rio

At odds...

I was alone in the dark, never let down my guard. Closed the curtain on my heart so the world could not see all the demons in me. Told myself I was free, then you showed me how wrong I could be...

My opening up...is pushing him away. How do you fix something like that? When I talk about something that's bothering me and that I need to get off my chest, the poor guy gets all weird on me thinking I'm putting up walls and pushing him away. The way things are going now, I'd be a complete dumbass to push him away. If I do screw this up, I have no one to blame but myself for being alone and miserable. Here's this amazing person wanting like crazy (for some insane reason) to be with me...how in the world could I ever let that go? I finally found someone who isn't afraid of commitment, is dying to be with me, and who is very extremely capable of falling head over heels in love with me, and wants to give it every chance in the world! As happy as he's already making me, there's no way I'd ever walk away. I guess it's just going to take time, because it seems to me that we're both waiting for the other shoe to drop. It can't be this good, I can hear both our heads saying. No way it can stay like this. Our pasts have done a number on us. But I for one refuse to let those losers win. They are not going to have that much control over me, especially now. I'm not letting them ruin what may very well turn out to be the best thing I've ever had. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna do it. My heart tells me so. This is going to be amazing. Wait and see. And one more disturbing, yet extremely comforting fact:

My family approves. At least, they act like they do, and say good things.

This in itself is unheard of. They've never liked anyone before...EVER. Hmmmm...do they know something I don't know?

if you believe...

I opened up my eyes, and every wish I had was granted...

In keeping all of you posted like I promised, I wanted to share that things are going amazingly well for me. Never in a million years thought it'd be him, but all week I've wondered why the hell I waited so long. I don't have a single doubt about this guy or where this is going...my gut tells me this one's not going anywhere, and I'm unbelievably thankful for that. I can't believe it took me all this time to open my eyes and see what was right in front of me the whole time. It's kind of comical really. I told him the other night that it took both of us moving away from Richwood to get us together. But, I guess that's what God had planned. And that's ok with me, because this is perfect. Lately I'd been feeling depressed and wondering if the best years of my life were behind me...with him, I feel like my life has just begun. He makes me want to be a better person, and he brings out the best in me. I can tell that already. In short, he is absolutely perfect, and I don't know what the hell I was thinking making him wait so long. Don't even want to think about what would've happened if he hadn't been so patient and persistent and had just given up on me. But I guess he saw and felt something there that took me a little longer to realize...or accept. I can hear you all now...isn't this too much, too hard, too fast? Didn't say I was in love. I'd admit it if I was. He's just...getting to me. Badly. It's unreal. But on the other side, it's not like we're complete strangers. We've known each other for years and been friends for a couple/few years, so I've gotten to sort of know him...now I'm just getting to know everything else. And something else...how fast is too fast when it's turning out to be everything you've ever wanted? NOT that I'm getting married anytime soon, guys, calm down. I'm just feeling more than I thought I'd be feeling at this point, and it's a little alarming, but also...amazing. I think I finally let the right one in.

a little thing called love...

I got asked a very good question last night, which has rattled my brain ever since. I've never been asked this question in my life.

"Don't you miss being loved?"

I sat there for a few minutes, and the only reply I could come up with was, "I don't think I've ever really been loved."

Friday night I was scared to death thinking I'd never find it...today I'm scared to death that I will. He said and did all the right things:

"You're perfect for me."
"I want all of you, but I want your heart most of all."
"I am so into you."
"I can't stop thinking about you."
"I love everything about you."

And I know all too well that talk is cheap. People say things to get what they want more often than not. If it's my heart he's really after, he's gonna hafta PROVE IT. Last night was a good start, being all attentive and affectionate, but then again, last night could've also been a typical male attempt to get in my pants. Holy crap, I don't know what to do. I have a guy right here in front of me who's practically BEGGING ME to let him love me, and I'm scared to death to open myself up like that again. But then I bitch and whine and cry about not being able to find anyone. I shouldn't let this one get away. If I do, I have no one to blame but myself. I said a prayer Friday night (after getting my hopes crushed again) for a good guy to come my way, someone who's crazy about me and isn't going to run...and Saturday afternoon, right there he was...funny how life works sometimes. Anybody out there have any suggestions or advice for what I should do? I don't want to let this guy get away, but I'm scared to death to let him in.

Amazing...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY J! You are now officially OLD.

I kept the right ones out, and let the wrong ones in. I had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins...

~Aerosmith, Amazing

That pretty much sums it up. I've definitely done a bang-up job of letting the wrong ones in.

Happy Easter!

...I ran over the Easter Bunny. Oops. Stopped by Bobby's grave today for the first time since the 1 year anniversary of his death. You'd think that after a year and a half the crying would stop. Guess some things you never get over. Like burying your friends at 32 years old.

I realized something last night...it's no fun riding around doing the truth or dare thing when you're the only one in the vehicle anyone wants to know any dirt on. But I also learned that apparently guys are offended when you give them a Cialis then pass out on them. That was kind of a funny story. Sort of. Ok, not really. But the story I really wanted to hear is why a male whore was given a penis pump! OH, so many thoughts run through the head with THAT ONE. And you just gotta love drunk dialing the exes. Until it gets turned around and the ex is all like, come see me. Waitaminute. I thought that's what I was supposed to say. I wasn't about to say it, 'cause that's one bridge that doesn't ever need to be crossed again, but he's apparently standing on the middle of that damn bridge jumping up and down! *sigh*. Guess he took the 'don't forget to remember me' speech to heart. Nice to know I'm missed, I guess. All in all, it was definitely an interesting night. Spanky's just lucky he made it out with all his body parts still intact, 'cause he was going the right way for a busted nose. Granted, I'm so glad to be gone, but going home is sometimes nice too. The whole roots and wings thing...

time to fly

you know it's time to get the hell outta dodge when you can't even stand the sight of your family members more days than not these days. love em...don't like em. especially when you've got a massively pregnant, hormonal chick who burns up in 30 degree weather and insists on freezing the whole house. and i've had about 88 too many nights of sleeping on the couch. at first it was all fine and good, but with each day that passes, i keep thinking...holy shit, i'm 27. i'm gonna be 28 this year...and i'm still crashing with my sisters???? this shit has got to stop. i have an 11 year old, for crying out loud. she needs her own space, her own roots. more often than not lately, i have really been doubting myself as a decent mother. she deserves worlds better than what i'm giving her, especially more than a damn air mattress on the living room floor. alright, since i ranted about that, and am in serious need of sleep, i think i'm gonna hit the be...no, COUCH. :-P

take take take

Seems like everybody wants something, and I don't know how much more I can give. And the worst part about it is, my family members are the biggest ones. It's all take take take. I'm EXPECTED to be the obedient little sister and do as they say and wtf ever. I hate to tell them, but nowhere on my birth certificate does it say I was put on this earth to serve anyone! It's just getting really bad, and I can feel it really starting to take its toll on me. Stress level is through the roof, nerves are frazzled, memory is all but gone, can't focus on anything. MY FAMILY IS $#!@#% PSYCHOTIC! Ok, now that I got that out of my system, I need to find a place to live! Anybody have any suggestions? If I followed you home, would you keep me?

i have not failed...

"I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work."
~Thomas Edison

While I'm assuming he was referring to the lightbulb (or so I've heard), that quote reminds me a lot of my relationships, when I'm thinking of them in the most positive light possible...which sometimes, gets hard to do. But yeah, after the many, many so-called 'beautiful disasters' I've experienced in my life, I've sure found a LOT of ways that don't work when it comes to relationships. Which brings me to this: what DOES work? I'm sure what works for one won't work for another. So how do we ever manage to find that person that whatever IT is...does work? And how long do we keep trying? Is there any such thing as a perfect fit in a relationship, or are we all trying to shove square pegs into round holes?

April Fools!

I don't really have much of anything to say, but I haven't said anything in awhile, so I figured I'd better, or everyone will run away...waitaminute...everyone WHO? Nobody reads this thing, so it wouldn't even matter! Oh well...I'm already here. I was thinking I was going to get to go out with Tiff tonight, because I was thinking we were both coming home, but she stood me up. Soooo...here I sit all by myself on April Fools thinking 'well, this sucks'. Alright then. I'm fresh out of tricks to play on my sister; she pretty much already has me figured out by now, considering I've been playing pranks on her on this date since around 1998 or 99. But it was very fun while it lasted! I need someone new and some new pranks. I'm just mischievous that way, I guess. So anyway, like I said, I don't really have anything spectacular to share or any news or anything. Same old stuff. Yay me. Think I'm gonna go soak in the tub till next year...