the night before life goes on

...that's a song sung by carrie underwood on her cd. i've had this cd since it came out (technically chaney has it, as she LOVES to remind me) and somehow that song skipped me until yesterday. yeah, i know all about the night before life goes on. had several of those. been thinking a lot about the past lately. not that i want to go back, just...reminiscing, i guess. it's good for me. i've heard it said 'don't look back unless you intend to go that way'. apparently a man named marc holm said that. i for one would have to disagree. looking back helps us see how much we've grown and changed and how far we've come. well...it should, anyway. i guess if you're stuck in this rut going nowhere, looking back might not be such a good idea. then again, maybe it's the push you'd need to make the change. but in most cases, i think it could be very productive. those are my deep thoughts for today. :-)

i'm also very upset these days. i had a cat, a wonderful precious angel named chunk (because as a kitten she was twice the size of her siblings). this cat has been my shadow for over 3 years now. she was there to cheer me up when i was down, to comfort me when i was hurt, all that good stuff. i liked this cat better than a lot of my family members, ok? that's how much this cat meant to me. well, i'd always assumed that she'd stay with my sister until i could get somewhere where i could have pets, then she'd come live with me again. my sister informed me this week that she's moving this weekend, and i "need to get rid of chunk". wtf? soooo...tiff couldn't take her, 'cause tiff's eyeball deep in cats thanks to me anyway...i gave her jazzy last fall, and jazzy had kittens earlier this year. so i posted a bulletin on my myspace and this guy in webster says his wife loves cats and that they were interested, could i send pictures. well, ok, sure. to make a long story short, they fell in love with her, i guess, and the next day they came and got her. first of all, i didn't even get to say goodbye to my baby, and second of all, my head is still spinning. i'm thinking...wtf just happened??? then, when i was already upset to the point of crying myself to sleep that night anyway, chaney calls and says 'guess what? we're not moving now. and you gave chunk away." wtf you mean you're not moving??!?!? i gave my baby away...and YOU'RE NOT MOVING. my mind is just chanting this over and over like a broken record. and so now, on top of being heartbroken over losing chunk and worried about how she's doing, i'm now immensely hurt and just furiously angry. now she's stuck somewhere i don't want her to be with people i don't even know and i'll never see her again...and it's all for nothing. she didn't have to leave. i should've waited to see what was going to happen. i didn't think my sister would change her mind THREE days before she's supposed to move. i feel like this cold, heartless bitch. i feel like i just booted my cat out the door for no reason at all. chunk will never forgive me and she'll hate me forever. i know some of you are probably like, it's just a cat, what's the problem? but if you've ever had a pet, especially one you liked more than your family members, then you'll know what i'm saying. i feel like i've just kicked a family member out of the family. and i guess i have. :'-(