What the hell am I looking for...

This world is going crazy...

2010-10-17T16:25:00.003-04:00

...and I don't mean in a good way. What in the world is going on?!? There are poor kids being bullied to death (literally), people killing each other senselessly, suing each other if they even breathe wrong (and winning, at that!)...I mean, really? This world won't stand long if this is how it's gonna be. When I was in high school, my biggest enemy picked on me about the size clothes I wore (It's not what you think; I was insanely skinny, but she would argue with me and tell me I wore smaller than I actually did). That was my problem. These days kids are seriously being tortured, to the point of taking their own lives. When did things get this bad? And who the hell are the parents who allow their children to act this way? THEY need to be held accountable. But they're not, for some reason. Why? I just don't get it. I am raising my kids to be decent people, to treat others with respect and do the right thing. But apparently I'm in the minority. What am I supposed to say to them when they come home from school and wonder why Sarah or Joe or whoever was mean to them or disrespected their teacher or whatever? I understand that teenagers have drama; that's part of being a teenager. But when it crosses the line, someone needs to have the authority to step up and do something if the parents aren't going to.

The Last Ten Years

2010-07-28T22:27:00.002-04:00

Dear Daddy,

Tomorrow makes 10 years since God called you home. Ten whole years. Some days it feels like a lifetime, some days it only seems like a week. Whether it feels like 10 days or the 10 years it has been, I still hurt just as bad. There are days I miss you so much it hurts to breathe. Even the little things trigger all these emotions that just completely overwhelm me. Even now, after all this time, I'll see things that I would LOVE to tell you about, but can't. I know you're in a much better place, and I wouldn't want you back on Earth for all the money in the world, given all your suffering, but the pain of you being gone is almost unbearable some days.

I'm doing ok, in spite of myself. But I don't know who I am without you. And I say it every year, because every year passes and I still haven't figured it out. I'm still trying to figure out how to exist in this world where you don't anymore. I wasn't ready to let go then, and I still can't let go now. I can still feel your hands, still smell your aftershave. I can still feel you. You were the best father any little girl could've ever dreamed of having. I remember how I never wanted to get married because that meant I'd have to leave you, and well, that just wasn't going to happen. You were my hero. You ARE my hero. At the risk of soundy corny, you were the wind beneath my wings. I can't fly without you.

I remember praying so hard for so long, hoping God would let me keep you just awhile longer. And when it got really bad, I remember praying that God would just take you and end your suffering. I was holding your hand the night He did. For the first time in almost 22 years, that hand didn't hold mine back. That was the most heartbreaking thing of all.

You were my biggest fan, and Heaven knows I was yours. I still am. I'm thankful for every single second I had with you...every moment made me who I am. I just hope I made you proud. I love you. Forever.

Always,
Your little girl

Still looking...

2010-05-24T22:28:00.003-04:00

Have you read my blog today? Three hundred million little USAs...

Yes, I'm well aware that it's been over a year...guess I had issues. Someone told me that I'm not important enough to have a blog and think people will actually care and that no one really wants to see my life out in cyberspace for the world to see...and this person was right, I guess...but for me, it's therapy. I feel better to get it out, so deal with it. That's the great thing about this country...I'm free to do it, and you're free to ignore it. :-) Love it!

I know they say you can't go home again, but I just had to come back one last time...

Been missing my childhood a lot lately. A lot. Not just my childhood, but I guess the whole growing up time of my life. We spend half our lives hurrying to grow up, and the other half wishing we were children again. I just want to go back to a simpler time. Being a grown-up sucks...who came up with this bright idea? Whoever it was should be shot. I just feel out of sorts...I lost me somewhere along the way. I need to find myself...so I guess I found "what the hell I'm looking for", but I have no idea where to find it...

Rest in Peace

2009-02-23T20:04:00.002-05:00

The Firefighter's Prayer

When I am called to duty, God, whenever flames may rage
Give me strength to save some life, whatever be its age
Help me embrace a little child before it is too late
Or save an older person from the horror of that fate
Enable me to be alert and hear the weakest shout
And quickly and efficiently to put the fire out
I want to fill my calling and to give the best in me
To guard my every neighbor and protect his property
And if, according to my fate, I am to lose my life
Please bless with Your protecting hand my children and my wife.
Author Unknown

Rest in Peace, forever.

Johnnie Hammons
Timmy Nicholas

You're in the arms of the angel...may you find some comfort here.

Change has come...

2009-01-21T21:18:00.002-05:00

...in so many ways. Yeah, I realize it's been a LOOOONG time since I wrote anything. I decided to stop blogging until I had something to actually blog about. And as luck would have it, I finally do. I'm employed! Officially, completely employed! Yay me! As of Feb. 2nd, I will be an employee of the State of WV. Those of you who know me know that a government job has long been one of my dreams. And it's soooo nice to see a dream come true.

You know what else is nice? Seeing our new President hit the ground running. I have to say, I'm impressed with his first 24 hours. Hopefully he keeps the momentum going through the next four years. He won't be able to fix us in 4 years, but hopefully he can stop the downward spiral.

AND...it's nice to get on a computer that WORKS. Mine worked ok, but for some reason, in the past few weeks, it just was NOT cooperating. Came to the conclusion that it was a memory problem, so I bought some more RAM to install. Knock on wood, but my computer seems to be running perfectly now...FOR now, that is.

And yes, Stef, if you're reading this, I'm STILL working on that '25 random things' list. I'm up to #21 now, though...Almost there. And I too have been spending waaaay too much time on Facebook. But give me a break! This is my first week on the site...I have to explore!

spread the wealth!!!...???

2008-10-23T17:11:00.003-04:00

I'm stealing this from Stephanie, because I couldn't agree more. I'm so plagiarizing the hell outta this! Love you Stef!

From CNN:
Barack Obama: “It’s not that I want to punish your success, I just want to make sure that everybody who is behind you, that they’ve got a chance at success too,” Obama told the plumber. “My attitude is that if the economy’s good for folks from the bottom up, it’s going be good for everybody. If you’ve got a plumbing business, you’re gonna be better off if you’ve got a whole bunch of customers who can afford to hire you, and right now everybody’s so pinched that business is bad for everybody, and I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.”

So… to all my friends that make more money than I do… I’ll be looking for you to send me a check. Since you make more than me, you should help me out - and it will be good for us both.

Stef's website also has a quote from Abraham Lincoln, who is/was my favorite prez...which I'm also stealing. But is it really stealing if you're putting something someone ELSE said that another person has on their site? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

“That some should be rich, shows that others may become rich, and hence is just encouragement to industry and enterprise. Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of another; but let him labor diligently and build one for himself, thus by example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence when built.”

the last ten years...

2008-09-02T01:44:00.001-04:00

so here it is, the last day of my 20s. i know age is just a number, but i don't know. it just feels...different. like, my youth is officially leaving me. i still remember when 30 was old. i still think 30 IS old. and i was having a conversation with myself, as i typically do on the nights larry is working, thinking about football. i was cussing the ucla quarterback. thought, that #$%#%^# kid. and i laughed that i called him a kid. and then i realized he IS a kid. according to the scout.com webpage, he was born in 1985. i was in like, 3rd grade when he was born. so yeah, i have every right to call him a kid. and then i realized i'm TWELVE years older than most college freshman this semester. *sigh*. i need to quit realizing things. i'm gonna check myself into a psych hospital on wednesday if i don't. so, as i'm off to bed, here is the list i've been diligently working on. my twenties. the last ten years. they started in 1998 (hard to believe) and end tomorrow. i'm sure i've left plenty off, but i think i hit most of the highlights. enjoy.

1998—I met Kendra, who to this day is my nearest and dearest girlfriend.

1999—I got my Associate’s degree, started ETSU, turned 21, and my sister Brenda died. Moved. I left my family for the first time to go to a school approximately 171 miles away. My family moved from TN back to WV, which put me even farther from them.

2000—my dad died. L Moved. Started my senior year of college and met Nikki, Nicole, and Stephanie, 3 of the greatest girls EVER!

2001—I got my BS from ETSU and started grad school at UT. GO VOLS! Moved. Went to my first UT game…HEAVEN! Met Rachel, Vandaly, and a lot of other great people I still talk to from time to time.

2002—Lots of firsts this year…lived alone for the first time in a dungeon apartment in Knoxville. LOVED IT. Flew in a plane. LOVED IT. Flew ACROSS COUNTRY. Also…LOVED. Saw the ocean for the first time in Santa Cruz, CA. LOVED LOVED LOVED.

2003—graduated UT with my Master’s degree, probably had a quarter-life crisis, due to moving back to WV. Haha. Got an awesome graduation present—a trip to Daytona Beach. First time I ever saw the Atlantic. Got my first after-graduation job at a mental health center.

2004—bought my very first car ever, solely in MY name. A green Pontiac Sunfire. We had some good times. Took the first “family vacation”. Four of us went to Myrtle Beach…such a blast.

2005—Chaney turned TEN! Left one mental health job for another. Moved. Went to the Outer Banks. Another great time.

2006—fell in love, got engaged in Washington, DC. Left mental health for good (hopefully), and started at a private Christian counseling agency, then left it to go to a nursing home. Moved.

2007—Left the nursing home job for an awesome job as an academic coach in a middle school in Va. Went back to Myrtle Beach. Larry’s brother Bobby died. Lost my best friend. Moved. Got my Trixie puppy. I love her!
2008—Chaney is THIRTEEN!! obviously, turned THIRTY. Geez! Haven’t moved…yet. Got another puppy…Daisy. *sigh*

Fire in the hole

2008-08-31T00:45:00.002-04:00

Let me start this post by saying WOW. I just noticed that this makes the 2nd post in the same month! I'm doing GREAT. The reason behind this post is the fact that I just noticed something totally absurd in my kitchen. Have you ever read those emails with stupid warning labels? Yeah, I found one of my very own. I don't usually pay attention to detail, being so wrapped up in my own little world, so this would've come up long ago if only I paid attention. But, better late than never, huh?

I was standing in my kitchen earlier doing something with the microwave. My guess is I was nuking something, but I honestly couldn't tell you. Sometimes I just stand there and pretend to look busy, I think. Who knows. Annnnyway, I noticed a box of chewy Atomic Fireballs sitting on top of the microwave that I've had for literally months. At least 3, I'd say. Well, until this moment I never noticed the warning label. And I swear to you, if the puppy hadn't chewed up my battery charger cable for my camera, I'd take a picture just to prove it. Don't ask me to do it with my cell phone; I have no freaking clue how to use that alien piece of crap. But that's another tangent. I caught, out of the corner of my eye, and bright yellow triangle-shaped warning label at the bottom of this box. It says, and I swear to you: Caution: Extreme Heat! Oh, and there's a pretty little campfire looking graphic too.

Hmmmm...do you see where I'm going with this? I have 2 thoughts. The first is, they're not really THAT hot. The second is, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? They're called ATOMIC FIREBALLS. Not...Icy Melons. The name itself implies heat of some degree. I want to know who the idiot is who bought these and was like, 'daaaaaaaaaaang, these are freaking HOT!' 'Cause you know that same damn dumb idiot probably brought a lawsuit against this company for that very reason, prompting this warning label. Because that's the jacked up country we live in these days.

So, the moral of the story, in case you didn't know: ATOMIC FIREBALLS ARE HOT.

Countdown to 30...EEK!

2008-08-05T00:47:00.003-04:00

Shocking! It's only been 2 months since my last post! I'm getting better! I still don't really have anything to say. I'm TRYING to find a job. I've applied for 3 in the past 2 days...does that count? In any case, I now have my substitute license, so when school starts, I can at least do that until something better comes along. Like that's gonna happen.

Here it is...less than a month until I turn the big 3-0. Ugh. I want to be a fine wine and get better with age, but I feel more like...oh, I don't know...bread. I feel moldy. I have moldy buns! :-P

So yeah, I have a 13 year old. And it is DEFINITELY showing. There's no misataking her age now. She does her best every day to prove why some animal mothers EAT THEIR YOUNG. I love her to death, but one of two things is gonna happen: either one of us will not survive this, or I'm gonna be the size of a freaking blue whale by the time she turns 18 from stress eating.

I've also come to the conclusion that I'm bipolar. I have these awesome mood swings (although not so awesome for those around me), I'm up, I'm down, I'm happy, I'm mad, I'm depressed, I'm tired...most of the time, all at once! Oh wait...that's not bipolar...that's being a WOMAN! But you know what they say. Behind every bitch is a man who made her that way.

Life's just been a box of chocolates lately...or a jar of jalapenos, rather. Spent $1800 on a car that we bought from a guy who works with our next-door neighbor. A 95 Honda Civic. This car was awesome. Larry got 40 freaking miles a gallon! Then, one day, 2 months later...the car just dies. ??? Come to find out, the sorry sonsabitches GLUED the crankshaft to the freaking engine! So yeah, the engine's unfixable (is that a word? it is now). So, we looked into putting a new engine in it. Idiots took a 1.6 liter engine and crammed it into a 1.5 liter car. It just gets better and better! The cheapest 1.6 we could find was $850, and a new crankshaft with everything that's needed to put it in runs about $500. So I'm driving the damn thing off a cliff. Not really, but we are getting rid of it. That's a painful lesson. DON'T BUY ANYTHING FROM SOME STUPID RANDOM PERSON. That's your advice for the day. Of course, y'all probably already knew that, but we were desperate and we thought our next-door neighbor would be a decent guy. Hell, he may not even know, I don't know. I guess one of the guys who works for him coulda put the engine in, but there's no way you could miss a glued in crankshaft!!

And of course, the day after we find out all this about the car, Larry has a dr. appointment. He leaves in the Jeep, so I could take the Kia and take the kids swimming, since all the stuff was already in it. He gets down the road...has a flat tire. Brings it back, trades me cars, and goes on about his way, now late. I called the dr and let them know. They were great about it. We go swimming at our favorite little swimming hole, and it comes time to take Chaney to majorette practice. I grab the Kia and leave, and he takes the other keys. I get all the way back home, only to realize HE TOOK THE WRONG KEY. I still had the Jeep key, but he took the HOUSE KEY! I sat there for about 10 minutes getting royally pissed, wondering where the hell he went. I thought he took he key on purpose. I HAD TO BREAK IN MY OWN DAMN HOUSE. Scary thing is, I know how easily it can be done. Finally got ahold of him on his cell, and realized that he didn't have the Jeep key at all, so he'd been sitting at the swimming hole for an HOUR now. All I could do was laugh. What else can you do in that situation? You can either beat it or let it beat you. You have to laugh or you'll drive yourself and everybody else insane. Murphy's Law, baby. That's all I can say. When it rains, it freaking pours!

So that's that. Just keep waiting to see what comes next. I'll keep you posted. :-)

It's Been Awhile...

2008-06-01T01:34:00.002-04:00

I didn't know I hadn't blogged since February! But what's the point, when you have no life anymore? I mean, it's a serious case of SSDD. I've been thinking a lot lately, though, doing a lot of introspection and taking a lot of walks down good ole' memory lane. The main thing that keeps haunting me is this: after all the miles and years and (poetically) smiles and tears...I'm right back where I started. I don't know if anybody out there understands this, but to me, especially with this town, is amazingly disappointing. Even though I KNOW I have, and I have the pictures to prove that I have, it makes me feel like I've done nothing with my life. I haven't had a job in over a year now, but not for lack of trying. For those of you who don't know anything about where I live, let me put it to you this way. This town is taking its last gasps of breath as it sloooooooooooowly dies, taking everyone with it. Once, this town was booming. But then the coal companies went belly-up and that was that. Now, there's nothing here but a little movie store, Dollar General, Rite Aid, Foodland, and 3 little gas stations. I've ALWAYS wondered why we need 3, but then I remember hell, there used to be FOUR! Oh wait, and I'm forgetting the Dairy Queen, C&S Restaurant, and the 3 BARS. Hmmm...3 bars, 3 gas stations. If that doesn't promote drinking and driving, I don't know what does. Still don't get it? Ok, here's the clincher: I'm 25 miles from Wal-Mart, and over an hour away from the nearest mall. NOW do you understand?!?! Thought so.

I've also been thinking a lot about the people who've been in my life. Some are still in my life. Most aren't. Of course, it's the ones who aren't who stay on your mind more than the ones who are. Isn't it funny that things seem such a big deal at the time, but when you're sitting at your computer years down the road, you can't remember whatever happened to end it? I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, but all relationships. I know everyone can't always stay in your life. However in the world would you be able to fit them all in and have time for all of them? But every once in awhile, there's someone who once meant the world to you, and who still does, but isn't in your life anymore, and you don't have a clue as to why or what exactly happened. I guess it all boils down to time and distance. And I'm extremely thankful to have had each and every person in my past in my life at all, for however long they were here. Every single person that has blown across my life has shaped me and changed me in some way. I am who I am because of them. I just hope they remember me as I remember them and I hope they know how much they meant to my life.

This is SO not where I was going to go with this, but evidently my heart had other plans. I just read what I typed and thought about erasing it all, but then I decided to just leave it and let it be. I go into a daze sometimes when I'm blogging, and don't even really realize what I'm writing until after the fact. Kind of a free association type thing. This is one of those times. So, there you have it. Have at it.

Things that piss me off...ROUND ONE

2008-02-23T01:37:00.001-05:00

ding ding...round one. Thank you Paul. This could prove to be very cathartic, getting all this pent-up irritation off my chest. Sad thing is, I'm getting a long list. I'll start with 10. And add more as the days progess, without question. Keep in mind that these are in no particular order, as each one infuriates me as much as the next. I like my dog more than most of the general population these days.

1. People trying every way in this whole wide world to get on disability. Can't be around people, gotta bad back, have anxiety attacks about work. Well, here's my advice. PUT ON YOUR BIG PEOPLE PANTIES AND DEAL WITH IT. Sure you can be around people; you're around PLENTY in Wal-Mart, aren't ya? Bad back my big butt...so why are you working out like you're trying to be the next Arnold Schwarzenegger, throwing around hundreds of pounds when you think nobody's looking? Nobody's going to believe you're in too much pain to work when you walk around looking like a freaking tank! I have anxiety attacks about work too, but mine revolve around going to work and having to deal with people like you.

2. APOSTROPHES!!! Seriously, how did you guys EVER graduate? I hate to burst your bubble, but every little plural word in the English language does NOT need an apostrophe between the singular word and the 's' that follows. In fact, NONE OF THEM DO! There was a store in Bluefield that I passed daily on my way to and from work. I wanted to go off on these people SOOO bad. The name of the store? Pet's and Thing's. Even the biggest car dealership there was guilty of it! Their bulletin on the freaking highway said they were the largest dealership "in the two Virginia's". HOLY CRAP. Go back to grade school and DO NOT COME OUT until you can punctuate correctly.

3. Emails. I swear, if I get another email telling me to enlarge certain body parts that I DON'T HAVE, I'm going to hunt the people down who are sending them and rip their arms off and beat them to death with them. Actually, probably not. I'd LOVE to send them every single useless piece of junk mail I can get my hands on though. I do get a lot of mail addressed to me as "Mr.", so it makes me wonder...but come on! Last time i checked, i had the OTHER parts. i've HAD the other parts for almost 30 years now!

4. White boys who think they're black. Seriously dude, YOU'RE WHITE. really pale ghostly white. poorly imitating ebonics, wearing your pants down around your knees and your baseball cap on all cock-eyed won't change that fact. you just look like an idiot. take all your little blingy crap off, pull your pants up, put a freaking belt on, and fix your stupid hat, or if that's too much for you, take the stupid thing off.

5. the neighbor who revs his engine every day for an hour. dude, really? gas is $3.29 a gallon, for starters. and unless it's a ferrari or a lamborghini, i'm not impressed. i'm annoyed. stop.

6. i already covered this in an earlier blog, but it bears repeating. PEOPLE WHO GOSSIP INCESSANTLY. i admit, i'm guilty of the occasional "holy crap, did you know...", but i have a life. that does not revolve around what everyone else is doing. and i really wish people would get a life that didn't revolve around what I'M doing. i'm not that interesting. really. i already told you, when i DO get married and have a baby, i'll take out a full-page ad in the paper for you people, since you seem so concerned with my life. until then, BUTT OUT. like the great hank williams said, if you mind your own business, then you won't be minding mine.

7. i know i'm guilty of having a little bit of a lead foot myself, but this next one is huge for me. it's people who drive too fast. now, i'll be the first to admit i used to think i was invincible and thought my car had wings when i was younger, but i mostly grew out of that. but when i'm going down the interstate with my family in the car, and we're doing 70, 75, and some idiot comes up and flies around me like i'm going BACKWARDS, that's just too much. that's just STUPID. do you have a death wish? i sure don't! going that fast to get wherever you're going isn't going to be worth it when you don't even make it! it's just careless, reckless, and puts everyone in danger. and i really don't appreciate you putting me and my family in danger just because you're in a hurry. leave earlier!

8. BUT, on the other side, i also have a huge irritation with people who drive too SLOW. i know the speed limit on the main roads here from one town to the next is 55. it's ok to do over FORTY. i promise. i REALLY hate people who do 40 on the curves when you can't pass them, but then speed up to like, 60 when you come to a straight stretch to make it almost impossible to pass them. and then, there are the ones who drive really really slow and keep slamming on their brakes trying to get you to rear end them so they can sue you and get money and get rid of their crappy cars. yeah, you do that. go riiiiiiiiiiight ahead. i can guarantee you're not going to like what's going to happen if one day you should succeed.

9. WELFARE. now, i have no problem at all with using it as a temporary solution if you have no other choice. that's what it's there for. but when it's month after month, year after year, and we're busting our butts working to pay taxes to support YOU, i have a HUGE problem with it. stop popping out the kids (there's a little something call birth control, people! you should try it!), stop taking your welfare checks and buying beer with it (or pills, in this town), and do something! stop complaining about being out of money at the end of the month. stop complaining about the government and your checks. you're lucky you live in a country where the government DOES this for you. if you don't like it, GET A JOB. get a job anyway. i'm tired of supporting you.

10. sperm donors. especially ONE in particular. that's all i'm going to say about this one. those of you who know me know EXACTLY what my thoughts are on this one.

so there you have it. round one. i'm about halfway through my list, but i thought i'd give you a break to let you process this one. as for me, i was right! i feel sooooooooooo much better. i'll be sleeping like a rock tonight! i should do this more often!!

all stressed out and no one to choke!

2008-02-06T17:34:00.001-05:00

Stephanie requested this, so here you have it. This is my life.

haha...I guess i'm ok. Just REALLY stressed out. I just got turned down for ANOTHER job. I've applied for FIFTEEN jobs since we've been back here. Apparently I can't PAY someone to hire me. And Larry is being considered for a transfer to the National Guard headquarters in Charleston, but as usual, they're not telling us a thing about whether he's getting the job or not, so in all honesty, I don't even know where to look for a job! The last time they transferred him, they told us on a Tuesday, we were gone Thursday. Just like that. So he's stressed out about all that, plus the job he has now (trying to recruit for a war he doesn't believe in, for a branch of the service that isn't helping him out any) which also stresses me out, because it affects us both.

AND then Chaney's sperm donor has all of a sudden decided he wants to step in and play dad now that she's 13 (her birthday was yesterday), and that aggravates the ever-loving LIFE out of me. Why now? Where's he been up to this point? I think it's because Larry WANTS to be a dad to her, and he thought 'oh no, i better do something'. Whatever. Now he's going behind my back trying to get her! I know he can't, because he hasn't even ever been around, but it's just very stressful to put up with. He's going behind my back saying all sorts of stuff to the child support agency trying to get out of paying child support, and he's telling Chaney that he's going to take me to court for custody and trying to get her to change her last name. Part of me just absolutely wants to go off on him, but the bigger part of me (right now, anyway) doesn't even want to give him the satisfaction of letting him know he's getting to me.

random...

2008-01-30T01:02:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, all that jazz...'cause I'm lazy and whatever and missed it. OHHHHHHHHHH well. Nope, didn't have anything better to do, just didn't feel like sitting down and doing THIS. And didn't know really what to even say, because MY LIFE SUCKS. But hey, I'm alive! That's all that matters.

honestly have no idea what I'm actually blogging about...just felt like doing it. It seemed like a good idea at the time! I don't know...my thoughts are going in about 80 different directions, and it's 1:07am and as usual, I'M NOT SLEEPING, so here I am. Yay you!

I hate this town. I hate everything about it, I do believe. It is sucking the absolute life out of me. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I used to feel so alive and be so friendly and outgoing and couldn't stand to stay home. What happened to that person? But then again, what are you going to do in Richwood, go to the pool room? A row of fools on a row of stools...no thanks. Once upon a time, maybe, but there was a teensy weensy bit of life left in this old joint back then. I swear, for my sanity and mental health, I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS TOWN. It's taking its last breaths, and it's taking a piece of me with it, a day at a time. I've applied for FIFTEEN jobs since I've been back, and haven't gotten a single stupid freaking one of them. That should be my first clue.

I feel so completely lost without my best friend. I still have Kendra, the other one, but she lives in Tennessee and I haven't even seen her in 4 1/2 years...Ken, we definitely need to make plans to get together! I've never even seen Mollie! Dude! But with the other one, I don't even know who that person is anymore. We're nothing but strangers. Every day I have a moment where I think...or wish, whichever the case may be...that we could work things out, but then I think about everything that's happened and the choices she made, and the time and distance, and I just don't see how things could ever be even remotely close to the way they were. Which, is amazingly painful. There's an enormous hole in my life where she lived, that I'm not sure anyone else will ever fill. Nobody knew absolutely everything about me, and how I felt and what I thought about everyone else in my life. I can't pick up the phone and call Kendra and talk about someone from grade school that I ran into and what she said. I mean, I guess I could, but it's just not the same. The history, the roots, aren't there. I guess that's just a hole and a pain I have to learn to live with. But it isn't fair to me to HAVE to deal with it. I'm not the one who asked for this. But I'm the one who gets the raw end of the deal. Life sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

I heard on the radio that Bush Baby is proposing an economic stimulus bill...or something. I have one thing to say about that. It's a proposal of my own to stimulate our economy. Ready? STOP SENDING ALL THE JOBS TO MEXICO (and whatever other foreign country they're going to)!!!! Duh. Genius!

I also saw where the US troop cuts in Iraq may slow. Now, have I been under a rock? I wasn't aware we were cutting any! How can you slow them down when you're not bothering to cut them at all? And don't even get me started. I'm sure, like millions of other Americans, can say plenty about this fiasco. But I won't. This isn't the time or the place.

I've been with Larry for almost 2 years now, and we haven't even begun to plan our wedding. No date, no location, no nothing. And I don't even care. We rushed into this thing at warp speed. I'm taking my sweeeeeeeeet time to make sure that we can put up with each other for life. Because when you marry the wrong person, forever is a liiiiittttttttttttle too long. And my family has already told me, "now you do remember that we don't divorce in this family, right?" So yeah, I'm gonna be the big screwup. If 'till death do us part' has to be a goal I set for myself, then I at least want it to be a pleasurable one to achieve. Although, at times, I'm the first to admit that this thing seems like something out of the freaking Shining. I want to make sure this is the person I want to be shackled to for life before I put on 'the world's smallest handcuff', 'cause apparently, it ain't ever coming off!

I guess that's it. My mind suddenly went blank. The clock hit 1am, and my mind just went WHOOSH...I think that's a good thing. Maybe I'll be able to sleep now, without feeling schizo. And I could do without the dreams too, but I have no idea how to stop myself from having those, so I guess those will just make for more blogs...probably very strange and demented, but interesting ones!

sweet dreams

2007-11-20T00:27:00.000-05:00

This...would be me. I have the most outlandish, absurd dreams of anyone I know. Every single blasted night, apparently. One night, I was driving a tree. A TREE. With limbs, leaves, roots, and all. It's like someone just slapped wheels on the bottom, carved out a little hole and window, and plopped a steering wheel in the middle. Other nights I'm flying and floating and swimming...lots of different stuff. Well, the other night was no exception, except for what happened. I remember dreaming about being in a room with red walls (probably my kitchen fiasco coming back to haunt me--I'm attempting to paint our kitchen red). In this room with red walls, the walls are stretching, like they're rubber...or whatever. There are people trying to come THROUGH the walls to get to me. Me? I'm trying to GET OUT. Next thing I know (consciously, anyway), I'm in the floor. I FELL IN THE FREAKING FLOOR. When's the last time THAT happened? I'm thinking at least 20 years ago, if not more. In addition to flopping in the floor, apparently my dreams were causing me to be combative. I was fighting the wall people. Larry told me the next morning that I was talking before I went in the floor, and when I took my nosedive, he tried to help me back in bed, and apparently I started swinging at HIM. Guess I didn't want help. I woke up, realized where I was and (sort of) what was going on, and made some excuse about having to pee and ran to the bathroom. It's 4am...and I'm hit by a fit of laughter over the whole situation. It was all I could do to get back to sleep. I kept thinking about being in the floor, and it kept making me laugh. I'm sure Larry was pleased.

The next day, I turned it around and said Larry kicked me out of bed. Which, could definitely happen. He has arthritis in his knees, and it bothers him a lot at night, and he kicks constantly sometimes. He seemed offended. I was amused.

Note to self: stop playing Resident Evil 4 with the kids. When it comes to imaginations and influence, you're as bad as they are.

Snow?!?! Seriously?!?!

2007-11-16T00:54:00.000-05:00

Ok, who's the bloomin' idiot who WISHED SNOW ON ME?!?! I was NOT ready for this! Alright, if that's how you're going to be, here's my wish for you. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits, and may your arms be too short to scratch! Ha! Take that!

Slow Down

2007-11-13T00:06:00.000-05:00

Larry said something to me today that made me stop and think about how much I've changed...somewhere along the way. He said "you don't get in a hurry for anything". And you know, I don't. Not anymore. I used to be balls-to-the-wall, going, going, going constantly. I thought about this all day, and evaluated myself. I do that a lot lately, staring down the barrel of THIRTY. I realized this: I slowed down. Simple as that. Life (God, mainly) has taken so many people from me, some way sooner than I think they ever should've left. I think that's slowed me down greatly. Almost to the point of crawling. It wasn't even a conscious thing, but looking back I feel like I was "running too fast to see what life's all about" (Chris Ledoux quote...God Bless Chris Ledoux!).

There was a time I was so restless I couldn't sit still for all the money in the world, and I got bored so easily that I never had one single solitary relationship make it to a year...hell, most didn't even make it to the 6-month mark. I just knew I had to go. Had somewhere else to be, something else to do. It took losing most of the people in my life (one way or the other, though most through death) that THIS is where I need to be, THIS is what I need to be doing. This is what life's about. These are the best days of our lives. When you think about it, these are the ONLY days of our lives. We don't get a do-over. One shot...that's it. So yeah, I don't get in a hurry. I've gone from being the hare to being the tortoise. And that's ok with me.

Larry often comments that he worries I'll get bored with him and our little day-to-day routine. And time was, I would've. But now, it's this ordinary life that I cherish. The little things...the good morning kisses, the calls throughout the day to check in, walking in the door in the evening to this beautiful, wonderful, complicated life. And I know I'm being...melancholy, maybe? Philosophical, definitely. But I'm definitely not the person I used to be. I'd like to think I'm better. I LIVE. Granted, I may not jump off the New River Gorge Bridge, or out of airplanes, but I can tell you what Larry's deepest fear is, what Bailey's greatest wish is, who Chaney's current crushes are...it's the little things. To me, that's what matters. That's possibly the scariest thing of all: opening yourself up and letting someone REALLY know you, REALLY love you, through the good, the bad, and the really freaking ugly. That's living. That's definitely worth slowing down for. Because you don't know how many of those "I love yous" you have left.

Here's that Chris Ledoux song. It's called Slow Down...obviously.

Well I used to laugh with an old friend till the busy world pulled him away
Every now and then I see him again, but he's not the same man I knew yesterday
His smile just grows smaller and smaller and the worry lines fill up his face
But lately I'm thinking the next time I see him just what I'm gonna say
Slow down, man in the mirror slow down
You're running too fast to see what life's all about
This world ain't a fire for you to put out
The best times are here and now...slow down
Some days I look back on the hard times, and they really don't seem all that bad
Well I've got to admit I like what I've got but God I sure love what I had
And it's only on top of the mountain after burning your life at both ends
You look back to see where you want to be is exactly where you've always been.

no place like home...

2007-10-07T13:10:00.000-04:00

...thank God for that, because I can't even stand this place. If everywhere else was like it too, i'd go crazy.
This is a ranting blog, because I have to get this off my chest. It was on my mind when I went to sleep last night, and again when I got up today. I finally heard the "are you pregnant" question. Ok, well, not ME exactly, but someone asked Larry yesterday. And this infuriates me for several reasons:

1. If I WAS, it's none of your freaking business, but thanks for asking. When that does happen, I'll be sure to let you know, since you're so concerned with my life.

2. This person sees me almost every stupid day, but just stands there and looks at me like she's got x-ray vision and is trying to see inside me to see if there's a fetus there. Rather than asking me, she asked Larry, with the excuse that I don't like her. Genius! Things like this are EXACTLY WHY I DON'T LIKE YOU. Don't go behind my back to say stuff and get information on me...go straight to the source, or just keep your stupid mouth shut.

3. This question came as a two-part question, the latter part of which I've left off until now. This part was "I didn't think you wanted any more kids." OOOOOK. I'm still trying to figure out how she can even pretend to know WHAT he wants? I told Larry he should've told her that he also didn't plan on getting married again either, but things change. I'm telling you this right now straight from the horse's mouth. YES, we want more kids, and YES, we're having another baby when we get married and more financially settled.

Stupid, stupid people. So, the conclusion I've drawn is this. She's friends with one of Larry's ex-girlfriends, so that has to be where it's all coming from. And this is my theory of what's in their heads. I've gained weight, and it's all in my belly/butt/thigh area, so I could pass for pregnant. BUT I'M NOT. Here's the theory: He didn't want kids, and he didn't want to get married, so what I MUST'VE DONE was get pregnant to trap him and make him marry me. Why do I think this? Because that's the way these people think. Stupid, stupid people. Maybe, just MAYBE we're getting married because WE WANT TO, and because we're in love. Imagine that concept.

So here's my statement to that elite group of Richwooders who are SOOO concerned with my life (by the way, where are your kids? They were out in the freaking ROAD last time I checked). I'm NOT pregnant...yet. YES, we want more kids, YES, we're having more kids, and when that happens, I'll make sure y'all are the first to know. I'll put a freaking full-page ad in the Chronicle just to please you.

Oh, and by the way, you're all invited to my wedding. Bring gifts.

who am I?

2007-08-29T14:21:00.000-04:00

i never questioned it all through my turbulent teenage years. i never gave it a second thought at any time during college, and actually kind of felt pity for those who did. but here i am, almost 29 years old, unemployed with a masters degree living in an absolute hellhole, and one thought keeps pounding my brain...who the hell am i? and what do i want to do with my life? and i honestly have no answers. if i did, i'd do something about it. i have a masters degree. but yet, i can't find a job.

i think i may have royally screwed myself along the way by leaving those other jobs after only a few months. but in my mind, i thought (and still think) i had very legitimate reasons for leaving. but you don't see those reasons on resumes. all you see is the time of employment...all but one job wasn't longer than 6 months. so, sitting here being unemployed, sleeping half the day and just lounging around the house all day is making me feel pretty worthless. but i've applied for...probably around 8 jobs now, and haven't gotten a single call about any of them. so something's not working for me.

i talked to larry about it, and he helped me feel a little better by trying to place some of the blame on himself for wanting to move here, but it was a decision we made together. and he says he doesn't have a problem with me staying home. i do clean and wash dishes and do the laundry and cook, so it's not like i'm just laying around watching tv all day. but still, i don't feel like i'm contributing financially to this relationship and that he's having to carry us, and that bothers the hell out of me. i haven't worked in 3 months. i haven't been unemployed for 3 months since i finished school! i'm losing my freaking mind. i'm gonna end up being a stripper at the strip club. at least they make good money! :-P

The American G.I.

2007-08-29T00:11:00.000-04:00

This is for that idiot who thought he was all big and bad cussing Larry as he drove the humvee through the parade in honor of our troops. I know he'll never see this, but hey, I know it's here. That's all that matters. Stupid people. But, like the guys of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour say, YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID. So here it is. In the words of my favorite character from Army Wives, HAVE AT IT:
It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier, not the lawyer, who has given us the right to a fair trial.
It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves under the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.

By Father Dennis Edward O'Brien, USMC

And by the way, only 2 defining forces have ever offered to die for you:
1. Jesus Christ
2. The American G.I.

Stupid people. Stupid man. He gets to sit in the bar (which is where he was standing, go figure) and drink his beer and run his mouth while our soldiers are dying so his dumb ass CAN sit there and drink his beer. Give guys like him guns and send them over there so we won't have to listen to them or put up with them. See what they have to say then. I don't see him doing a damn thing for his country, except yapping his trap and ruining everybody's good time.

come some rainy day...

2007-08-29T00:08:00.000-04:00

"we move on, put those dreams away...thinking that we'll find them, come some rainy day." ~Wynonna Judd

you know, you don't really ever think about the end. we go along, taking things for granted (even though we say we don't), and one day...that's it. no explanation, no warning, no goodbye, no...anything. you think they'll always be there. the one person (or people) you never think will ever go away. through boyfriends and husbands, births and deaths, marriages and divorces...they're supposed to always be there. we used to live by the "two friends are one soul in 2 bodies" quote. i guess i should know better. life doesn't work that way. that isn't reality. things happen, people drift apart. i should've known better, but then again, i thought i knew YOU better.

i go on about my days as if nothing's wrong, nothing's off. but each and every single day, it hurts. it hurts unbelievably. it hurts as though i've lost the closest family member i've ever had. it hurts as much as it did when i lost my parents. so many times each day, even now, something will happen, or i'll think of something, and i want to pick up the phone and call...but i can't. literally, emotionally, and every other which way, i can't reach you anymore. you're so lost that i can't find you. i've never told a single soul the way i feel about this whole mess, but here i am, baring my soul to the world. i can't hold it in anymore. it has to go somewhere. it's breaking me in two.

you're the one person i always thought would be there. you knew me better than i knew myself, but i don't think i ever really knew you at all. the you i thought i knew would have never chosen this path you're on now. when i graduated, i was on a mission to save the world. i had no idea that the closest person to me needing saving the most. you were always, always there for me...and i can't help but feeling, given everything that's happened, that i wasn't there when you needed me most. not that i could've done anything to change the course of things, but maybe.

On the road again...

2007-08-01T23:26:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know. I just saw. I haven't blogged since May 15th. But seriously, did anybody even notice? I seriously doubt that. I have nothing interesting to say. I'm never going to win a Pulitzer Prize for blogging (or for anything else, for that matter), so what's the point? Besides, my Maxim kind of bugged me when it had an article in it complaining about all the bloggers and vloggers on the Internet these days taking up useless space and using up bandwidth for stupid crap...like this. So, ok, I get your point. Nobody wants to hear or see my little online diary about my life. And truthfully, since I started dating Larry and got engaged, the drama has disappeared from my life. Well, the soap opera type drama anyway, with all the relationship/dating game crap. Now it's just the drama that comes along with blending a family, especially when one child is just a stone's throw away from being a teenager.

So, at the risk of Maxim sending me a nasty gram (Larry's little term for mean emails), I'm typing this any damn way. I haven't blogged in for-freaking ever because we moved again. Back to Richwood. Again. I swear, this place is like the Hotel California. You can check out, but you can't ever leave. I've been trying to leave since I was 18. I've left...4 times now, I think? And every single stupid time, I somehow end up back here. HELP! So here I float along, like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind, still searching for the perfect pizza, perfect job, and perfect cheese fries. *I have no idea where that came from...it just came out. But yeah, I'm still here, still alive, still kicking, if anyone cares. :-P

wandering aimlessly

2007-05-15T18:38:00.000-04:00

I'm well aware that I haven't blogged for a good while. I'm also well aware that I've had every intention to...but then again, you know what they say about good intentions. We've been searching for a place to have a wedding. We really really want to have it outside, although we KNOW that it's risky because of the weather. Well, hell, look at the divorce rate! Getting married in the first freaking place is risky! We checked out one place up around Summersville this past weekend, since that seems to be either where everyone already is or it's essentially the midpoint for everyone else. We checked out a little 650-acre farm called The Good Evening Ranch. Driving up to it, I was thinking, oh, this is nice. Leaving a couple hours later, I was thinking, no way in hell am I getting married here. Not that it was a bad place; it's just not what I'm looking for. Unless, of course, I'm wearing Wranglers and Ropers and riding a friggin' camel. So we're still searching...

We finally got our vacation mess sorted out. Folks, I give you a warning: I advise you not to ever rent a condo owned by a couple named Swackhammer out of Pennsylvania. It was a total nightmare. I called and reserved the place on March 12th, and sent out the deposit check to hold our reservation on March 13th. Well, after nearly a month and a half of not hearing anything and noticing our check was never deposited, I tried to get in touch with them, with no luck. They'd left the stupid country. So I emailed daily trying to get something worked out so we could still have our vacation. I'd ask questions about how to take care of the reservation, how much money to send, etc. WHEN I got a reply back, all I would get would be either a "we're out of the country", or "we don't have your money". No questions ever got answered and nothing ever got settled. They kept saying they'd check and get back to me...and never got back to me. The last email I got from them (at the beginning of MAY now, mind you)was "we'll call our management company and see if it's still available." I flipped out. Well, hell, it better still be available! I sent out money for it back in March! It better be mine! We're supposed to leave June 9th! So I sent back this long, hateful email about how it was poor business on their part and I don't even know what else at this point and promptly took my business and money elsewhere. So, obviously you're going to do what you're going to do, but that's my advice. They were really horrible to deal with. Well, no, I can't say that, since I wasn't ABLE TO DEAL WITH THEM in the first place.

And so, I think that's pretty much what I've been wanting to post about...if not, I'll probably wait about another month and then post again! Time to get dinner started! What a happy little housewife I've become...

notes from the 13th floor...

2007-04-17T09:38:00.000-04:00

First of all, let me start this post by saying this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY!

Ok, moving on. We went to Gatlinburg this past weekend for our anniversary. Can you believe it's been a year already?!?! I'm in shock. It puts in perspective how pathetic my other relationships were, as this is now officially the longest continuous relationship I've ever been in. But I guess since we're planning on getting married (as I have the ring to prove it), I'd hope it'd last awhile! But back to my story. We get to the hotel, and it's supposed to be this big beautiful monstrosity in the Smoky Mountains (see here). I was thinking, wow, our view is going to be amazing. Hmmm...we checked in and they put us on the FIRST floor. My "view" was the freaking roof of the lower level of the place. LOVELY. And then, 5 minutes after we check in, our toilet starts leaking all over the floor. Can we go home now? This has been great, really, but...after all, it WAS Friday the 13th. I promptly went downstairs to talk to the front desk clerk, who told us that he'd send someone up immediately to fix the toilet, and that if we came down in the morning, he could move us up higher so we'd have a better view. Apparently they move people a lot, according to him. (I left my camera out in the car, and I'm lazy, so I'll bring it in later to show pics) The indoor pool was nice. I do have to give it that. That's about the only good thing about the first night. It's a cute little 2-level 2-pool thing that has a little waterfall sort of thing connecting them.

The next morning we got up between 8:30 and 9:30. By that I mean, about 8:30 for Larry and 9:30 for me. I like my sleep, even on vacation. And 9:30 is too early, in my opinion, but I didn't want to waste our entire anniversary weekend SLEEPING. I'll save that for next weekend when he has to work (which is our REAL anniversary). Annnnnyway, we went down to the front desk and sure enough, they moved us. Up to the THIRETEENTH FLOOR. What is it with 13 this weekend? And so, we get up there. And our view ends up being the mountains, which honestly, is fine with me, because it was gorgeous. We caught a little glimpse of downtown Gatlinburg off to the right, so all was well. So, we change rooms and off to town we go. Should've known from the get-go THAT would be fun. Seems like every 10 steps there was some idiot trying to get us to go tour a vacation rental for $100 in cash. After awhile, I was like, I'll give YOU $100 to SHUT THE HELL UP! So freaking annoying. That day would've been so much better if not for those people. They shouldn't be allowed to do that. We pay a lot of freaking money to go there and have a good time and get AWAY from all the hassle, not run into more! IF we wanted to stay at their stupid vacation places, WE WOULD HAVE. But the day was good.

I learned a few things though: #1-I'm apparently now afraid of heights. Our hotel was a cylinder, open in the middle inside. I don't know if I remotely said that well, but I tried. The elevator was glass, going right up the middle. Yeah. I was up against the door. The higher up it went, the more it freaked me out. I was fine when Larry was on the elevator with me, but by myself, it wasn't cool. Lesson #2-the moving theater at Ripley's made me sick. I'd hate to see me on a real roller coaster now! I came out of there with a headache and upset stomach, feeling like I'd been run over. I'm such a wuss. We decided to go to Pigeon Forge to ride the go-karts. In the car on the way there, guess what happened? It started raining. And it didn't stop raining. Ever. And the next day, it started freaking snowing! Good thing it was time to come home anyway. I swear. And then it took us 2 hours to even get to the interstate from Pigeon Forge after we stopped to eat. I just wanna go home!

So, my 3rd lesson in all of this is: next time, I'm going away in the middle of the stupid week. And I'm packing umbrellas, ponchos, and tasers for the stupid annoying vacation rental pushers.

And now I'm taking a nap. I needed to go back to work to recover!

...all we ever find

2007-03-21T02:31:00.000-04:00

There are times when we'll be talking, joking around, and I'll mention leaving. Larry tells me I'm free to go, and that he's not stopping me. Then there are times when I think about it. And then I think, what am I doing? I'm engaged to be married! I shouldn't think about leaving! I should be in eternal bliss and "happily ever after" in love. But then I realize I'm not leaving, I'm being realistic. Which I think is a good thing. I'm not betting on happy ever after or beds of roses and days of sunshine every day for the rest of my life. I know better. Relationships are work. Anything worth having takes a little bit of effort.

I'm not leaving. I'd never make it out the door. There are some times when admittedly, things could be going a HELL of a lot better than they are, but then I look at him, or see something of his...an article of clothing, his toothbrush, his cell phone...and I know that this is what I've waited, hoped, and prayed for. This moment and this man. I'd go crazy if something happened, if he was badly hurt or really sick, or if he got shipped to Iraq. I'd never leave. I'd lose my mind...what's left of it. Sometimes I might need to get away for awhile, but I'll always come back.

But if I know me, I'll turn this car around. I won't get halfway through town, and I'll be sorry. I'll stop and call, and you'll say you're sorry too, And I'll come runnin' back to you, if I know me. ~George Strait

*and no, nothing's wrong. I was just thinking, and wanted to get that off my chest.

WANTED:

2007-03-11T23:22:00.000-04:00

a freaking job. As much as I've enjoyed this 2 1/2 week vacation, I really need a job. We're not financially strapped (we will be if I don't stay out of Wal-Mart and the stupid mall!), but I already miss having the extra cash. You gotta admit, even though I think I made crappy money for having a freaking MASTERS DEGREE (whole other post entirely, we won't go there tonight), having that extra 500-700 bucks every couple of weeks definitely boosted things. And here I am wanting to go to the beach this summer. Wanting is putting it mildly. I'm DYING here. And I stop and rationalize: how the hell can we go to the beach this summer??? I DON'T HAVE A JOB! We're going to pay for this vacation with what...seashells? And what employer in their right mind is going to go, ok, we'll hire you, and yes, we'll let you have that week off 2 months after you start! Just 'cause we're that nice! I suppose I could play it all off with the angle that we're scoping out our wedding site (which is part of my reasoning for the trip, anyway), and see if that works, but yeah right.

But seriously, I need a job. I would love nothing more than for some company somewhere to randomly contact me and say, hey, we'll pay you to sit at home on your butt and play on your computer all day. That'd be a dream, wouldn't it? I could easily put in 12 hours a day doing that! I do that ANYWAY! But #1--I'm not that lucky, and #2--I don't even know if there ARE jobs like that out there. If there are, they're probably scams, or they don't pay very much.

There's a part-time position available at the animal shelter here. I know it'd only be minimum wage, and yes, I KNOW I have a masters degree, but honestly, you know what? That's perfectly OK with me. I'm seriously pissed off at that masters degree. I want to BURN THE SUMBITCH. I recently found out that in a previous job I had along the way, there was another person in another office at another branch of the company doing the same damn work I was. This person had one of those freaking online technical school certificate/diploma things, or WTF ever they are...AND WAS MAKING MORE MONEY THAN I WAS! That pretty much soured me on the SIX YEARS AND THIRTY-TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS I freaking WASTED in college and to get that big bad masters, which apparently, DOESN'T MEAN A DAMN THING. So yeah, torch the sucker for all I care. Fat lotta good it does me. That's painfully obvious.

I'm going job-hunting again.

blissfully unemployed

2007-02-23T12:22:00.000-05:00

So...I quit my job yesterday. Just flat out resigned. It wasn't entirely my option. According to my now-ex boss, I was "on the wrong bus" and couldn't do my job, which meant everybody else had to pick up the slack. Well, I KNOW I was on the wrong bus...knew that for awhile. I just didn't know how to STOP the bus so I could get off. So what it came down to was essentially a forced resignation. She seemed very much against actually "firing" me. Some people said I should've made them fire me. It crossed my mind, but hey, the bus was stopped. The door was open, and I was hitting the road. I didn't want to stick around long enough for them to fire me, and I also didn't want that going on my record. I've never been fired, and I don't intend to start now.

So now I'm in uncharted territory. I've never left one job without having another already lined up. We're not hurting for money. Something I realized this week is that I don't HAVE to work. With what Larry brings home, we're fine. Sure, having the extra money is really nice, but it's also nice to know we'll be ok. This could be the best thing that could happen. Before, I've always just taken the first thing that came along thinking it would be better than the hell I was already in...only to find that the new job was just as bad or even worse. This way I can take my time to figure out what I really WANT, and pick and choose. People keep telling me "you have a master's degree; you can write your own ticket." Yeah, until now, that hasn't been the case, but by God, it's time to start. :-)

alone in this old house again...

2007-02-11T00:08:00.000-05:00

So here I sit, up all by myself in my sister's house. I haven't spent the night in this house since last August, which is the last time I spent the night away from Larry. Those of you who know the situation know the whole Chaney drama, which for now is on the back burner, as all parties have agreed to let her finish the school year here before making any sort of decision, so she's staying with my sister. Which is why I'm here. Larry had drill this weekend, so he couldn't come up. Chaney had majorette practice this evening, then some plans afterward, which were going to keep her out until between 7 and 8. For me then, the logical thing would have been to just wait and come up tomorrow morning and spend the day with her. But no. She whined and pouted and was all sad and depressed until I agreed to go ahead and come up tonight, to make her happy. "I stay up until 3 in the morning anyway," she told me. Well, no matter then. We'd still have plenty of time to spend together. Well, I get here between 8:30 and 9:00 tonight. We watch a movie, she plays with her Bratz dolls...AND THEN SHE GOES TO BED!!! AT 11:00!!!! What was the point of me coming up here tonight?!?! Didn't I say that??? Wasn't that my argument??? So here I sit, while everyone else sleeps, wondering...why?!?! She needs to be down there with me. Then we wouldn't have this problem. But, Chaney's 12 now. It is what it is. And whatever it's gonna be.

And Larry informed me recently that as long as Chaney lives with Lynn, he refuses to have any more kids. Knowing how badly I wanted a baby, this upset me. Initially. But then I realized that while I would LOVE to have a baby, or a couple of babies, I like the age our kids are at now. Chaney's 12; she does her own thing. She gets up by herself, dresses herself, feeds herself, bathes herself, stays home by herself after school...pretty self-sufficient. Bailey turns 7 today (HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAY-BAY!!) and while he's 5 years younger, he's pretty independent too. He does most of the things for himself that Chaney does for herself. And as the kids get older, traveling is certainly easier. No packing car seats and diaper bags and all that crap. My main thought regarding his...announcement, if you will, is this: MORE SLEEP FOR ME. Yeah. I like the sound of that. I've always wondered if the reason Chaney happened when she did is because I'm not meant to have any more. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm ok with that. I guess we'll see.

Happy Everything

2007-01-24T07:44:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I see that I missed Christmas and New Years...so HAPPY EVERYTHING. That should cover me. I transferred my Blogger account over to the new Google blog thing, and honestly, the thing hated me. I couldn't figure out how to work it. Apparently it's not that hard, but it was just one more username and password I had to remember, and I just couldn't do it.

I don't guess there's much going on around here. Settling in. Larry and I have now been together 9 months, and while the first 6 months were somewhat rocky at times (more at some times than others), we seem to have weathered whatever that was, and it's been smooth sailing. I'm getting "I love you" phone calls every morning when I get up, he leaves Post-Its on mirrors telling me to have a good day...things are good. We still have our moments, but that's gonna happen. I tell him on a regular basis that he's missing a sensitivity chip, to the point where it's almost become a little joke between us. And there are still times when I feel like I can't talk to him about things, but I've learned to choose my battles and what things are worth battling it out. And the little things aren't. So, like I said, all is well.

As usual, I'm battling on what my career "destiny" really is. I don't know, but I know it sure ain't what I'm doing now. I need a good-paying job that lets me stay home and play on the computer all day. Or I need a job that pays me for sleeping! That would be GREAT. I don't know. Someone once told me to find what you love to do, and find a way to get paid for doing it. Well, that's all fine and good, but honestly, I can't think of one single thing I love to do enough that I'd turn it into a job and make it something I HAD to do. Watch movies? Listen to music? Maybe, but in this little nowhere area of WV/VA, my options are pretty limited. Guess I'm just outta luck. And that's sad. I don't want to look back at the end of my life, regretting having spent the better part of my life in a career that I hate. Such a waste...

just when you need it most...

2006-12-13T14:09:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling overwhelmed and frustrated about my new job lately, due to all the chaos at this place with the high turnover rate and people coming and going. Nobody seems to know what it is they should be doing, so they try to put it off on someone else...which is usually the social services person...AKA ME. I've only been there about a month and a half! I don't know what I'm doing either! I don't need to have any more of the "I don't know" until I can counterbalance it with the "I do know"! Well, I left work early today due to feeling like CRAP, both physically and mentally. To give you a better idea, I've only been there a month and a half, and I'm already wanting to hit the door running. Very badly.
Sometimes God knows just what you need.
I got home, stopping to check the mailbox before coming in the house. There was a card from a lady whose husband died at the facility not long after I started. I'd spent a decent amount of time with her, trying to help her somewhat remotely prepare for the inevitable, although everyone knows you can't ever possibly prepare for that. I also attended her husband's wake when that time came. I felt an attachment to her, for whatever reason. Who knows. But in that mail today was a card from this lady, thanking me for my help and caring and for being there for her through that time. And with tears in my eyes I realized, this is why I do what I do. It's not for the glory, it's not for the fame, and it's certainly not for the money. Like I put in my grad school entrance essay, I have no delusions of saving the world. I just want to help one person, one person at a time. And I made good on that. I'm not throwing in the towel just yet. Not today, anyway. While this job is largely thankless and unappreciated, when those moments do come, it makes them so much better.

I'm still alive!

2006-11-12T21:53:00.000-05:00

And so I'm posting for what seems like the first time in forever...but looking at the date of my last post, it has been awhile. A whole month. Do I have anything new to report? Some things. Let's see if I can remember. My short-term memory is shot these days.

Hmmm...well, I got a new job. I'm now the Director of Social Services for a nursing and rehab center down here. What does that mean? Hell if I know. I'm so confused, lost, and overwhelmed. But I couldn't pass it up. It's great money, part-time, and a lot closer than my other job. I WOULD still have my other job, but my *former* boss had his secretary call me and tell me not to bother finishing out my last 2 weeks. Wellllllll, alrighty then. So...did I quit, or was I fired? Can you BE fired if you've already turned in your resignation? Doesn't matter. I had already been at my new job for a week. I just couldn't keep doing that other job and only getting paid about $100 every 2 weeks. There's no freaking way I can live on that when I have $46 thousand in student loan debt, not to mention a buttload of other bills. The way I have it figured out, even just working 20 hours a week, in 2 1/2 months' time, I'll have made the same amount, or even more, than I made in 5 months at that place. So the decision, when it came down to money, was simple. And I think being the director of something will look kick-ass on my resume. Yeah, I was already thinking ahead to my future employment before I even accepted this one. I have issues.

Nothing new to report on the relationship front. Larry and I have our ups and downs. Seems more down than up lately. I don't know if it's the 6-month thing or what, but we're just snapping at each other a lot lately. We're still battling it out over the Chaney situation. And he's been extremely moody just in general. Obviously, I'm no saint either, but I swear I'm marrying the moodiest man on the face of the earth. I still love him, I just haven't liked him very much lately. And having said that, I just realized that I didn't tell him I loved him at all today, which says something. Usually I tell him several times a day. Amazingly though, we don't have a problem as far as money. He even acknowledges that he's a "tight bastard", and I like to spend money. Not recklessly, but if I'm at the mall and Bath and Body Works is having a sale, you can bet your ass I'm gonna hit it. But I'm doing better. I'm restraining myself to the 15 bottles of body spray I already have, and the 4 bottles of shower gel I'm down to. He doesn't complain at all about having to pay my car payment or student loan payment or car insurance ('cause $100 sure won't pay it!), but I feel bad about it. Those are my debts. I'm responsible for them. I'm slowly adjusting to being a "team" about money. We put my name on his bank account, and he got me my own debit card for his account, sooooooo...we'll see.

I think that's about all I've got to report. I think I lost some of it somewhere along the way...there goes that short-term memory again. *sigh*. But at least you get something! It might be another freaking month before you hear from me again! But I'm still alive!!!

keep my big mouth shut...

2006-10-15T01:51:00.000-04:00

When am I gonna learn that whenever I say anything nice about him, sure enough, he screws it up? Larry and I had a huge fight this evening over my daughter. Ever since Chaney was 2 weeks old, she's been with my sister. For those of you who don't know, I was 16 when I had her. I was still a kid myself. My family stepped in, let me keep being a kid, and I took full advantage of that. Well, Chaney's 11 now, and she still lives with my sister. That's how it's always been. Well, Larry has a major problem with this. And it all blew up tonight. First he said he couldn't understand how I could continue to let her live there...but then said he understands that I'm trying to make the situation best for everyone involved. Confusing? Uhhh...yeah. And if he understands, he sure as hell doesn't act like it. That's how it's always been. That's the life and the home Chaney knows. In my line of work, I know what a messed-up childhood can do to a person in adulthood...I'm trying not to mess hers up any more than it ALREADY is, but he doesn't get that. Just uproot her for the 375th time...she'll be fine. I tried that, remember? She spent the better part of 6 months absolutely miserable and crying all the time. He doesn't understand, and I have no idea how to help him understand. And what happens if he can't accept things the way they are?

the best days of my life...

2006-10-12T01:56:00.000-04:00

You know, I've gotten horrible about posting. But really, I don't have anything to bitch about anymore, so I guess I don't think I have a reason. Everything is going really really well for me. Granted, I still want to change careers, but I've learned to just shut up and be thankful I have a job, for the most part. And it's one that doesn't take me away from my family and doesn't require a great deal of my time. That's a definite plus.

Life with Larry is great. I can't imagine it being anyone else. There were some rough times at first, and I know there'll be other moments throughout this whole thing, but one thing I've realized is that whatever bad we do go through, it's nowhere near bad enough to outweigh all the good, and nowhere near enough to walk away and leave it behind. I would've never thought it of him, but he is exactly everything I've looked for. He holds me while I sleep...although sometimes he sleeps RIGHT ON TOP OF ME (he says it's because he has to always be touching me). He leaves little Post-Its on the bathroom mirror for me in the morning letting me know he loves me. He calls me during the day to see how I'm doing and tell me he loves me.

I found the guy who will completely, absolutely sweep me off my feet and just take off running with me and never look back. I found someone who'll stick around when the going gets tough and not get scared and take off running...and the guy who sticks around when the going gets good too, not go off looking for 'excitement' because things are getting a little too comfortable and he's bored...you know what I mean. I have someone who's faithful, honest, dependable. I know he'll lead me down the beach with his hand over my eyes just so I can feel the sand beneath my feet. He wants to wake me up at dawn, because he's just bursting to talk to me and can't wait another minute, just to find out what I'll say. He's promised to polish my toes for me and bring me chicken soup when I'm sick. I found someone to laugh with, play with, cry with, raise babies with, and grow old with. I'm his last thought of the night and his first thought in the morning. But most of all, I know I'm HIS and that HE'S MINE. And that's all I could ever possibly hope for...I'm the absolute luckiest person in the world to have finally found what I've been dreaming of.

Yeah, I guess I'm done gushing...for now. I'll be back. :-P

The best days of my life
are the ones I spend with you

blank

2006-09-25T00:00:00.000-04:00

yeah...I got nothing to say. But for some reason, I figured I'd better post something. I never understood why Chaney used to fight sleep when she was little...I've realized that I STILL fight sleep to this day. Here I sit, completely exhausted and drained from my homecoming weekend in Knoxville...yet...here I sit. Where's the logic in that? On the ride home, I'd have given anything to be in my nice comfy cool bed...but...here I sit. I quit trying to understand myself a long time ago. But that brings up another point: if I can't understand me, and I AM ME...how in the world can I ever expect anyone else to? I'm like a little kid. I have it in my head that if I go to sleep, I might miss something. What the hell am I gonna miss at midnight?!?! The clock on the computer changing from Sunday the 24th to Monday the 25th?!?! Dude...knock me out.

could just be me...

2006-09-19T01:12:00.000-04:00

...and it usually is. but could someone PLEASE tell me this: on WHAT PLANET is a game so damn important that it would warrant threatening someone's LIFE? come on, you morons! IT'S JUST A GAME. i'm sorry. i know y'all hate that phrase, but honestly. come on. in the end, it doesn't even matter. when your life is over and you have to answer for all you've done, do you SERIOUSLY think you're going to be grilled about the outcome of a STUPID GAME?!?! uhhh...something tells me no. however, you most likely WILL have to answer for why you found it necessary to threaten someone's life.
in case you guys are wondering where this random moment came from, larry and i have been talking about this lately. and just now i read about the oklahoma-oregon game where an instant replay ref has been receiving death threats for a missed call. and not only that, they've threatened his FAMILY. ok, this is just freaking ridiculous. i love my vols as much as any fan loves his team, but under no circumstances would i EVER threaten to harm someone over what is seriously A STUPID GAME. do you hear that??? IT'S JUST A GAME. LET IT GO. there are more important things to worry about than the final score of any given game. the war in iraq, starving or abused children, the homeless, blah blah blah. yeah, those things are worth getting riled up over. games are not. it just pisses me off. that's what's wrong with this country today. people have their priorities all wrong. Heaven forbid...whose life is going to be threatened because the jags beat the steelers tonight? big ben's. ohhhh, yeah. that'll solve ALL the world's problems. let's just off big ben! then there will be world peace! seriously...y'all are idiots.

the night before life goes on

2006-08-31T14:49:00.000-04:00

...that's a song sung by carrie underwood on her cd. i've had this cd since it came out (technically chaney has it, as she LOVES to remind me) and somehow that song skipped me until yesterday. yeah, i know all about the night before life goes on. had several of those. been thinking a lot about the past lately. not that i want to go back, just...reminiscing, i guess. it's good for me. i've heard it said 'don't look back unless you intend to go that way'. apparently a man named marc holm said that. i for one would have to disagree. looking back helps us see how much we've grown and changed and how far we've come. well...it should, anyway. i guess if you're stuck in this rut going nowhere, looking back might not be such a good idea. then again, maybe it's the push you'd need to make the change. but in most cases, i think it could be very productive. those are my deep thoughts for today. :-)

i'm also very upset these days. i had a cat, a wonderful precious angel named chunk (because as a kitten she was twice the size of her siblings). this cat has been my shadow for over 3 years now. she was there to cheer me up when i was down, to comfort me when i was hurt, all that good stuff. i liked this cat better than a lot of my family members, ok? that's how much this cat meant to me. well, i'd always assumed that she'd stay with my sister until i could get somewhere where i could have pets, then she'd come live with me again. my sister informed me this week that she's moving this weekend, and i "need to get rid of chunk". wtf? soooo...tiff couldn't take her, 'cause tiff's eyeball deep in cats thanks to me anyway...i gave her jazzy last fall, and jazzy had kittens earlier this year. so i posted a bulletin on my myspace and this guy in webster says his wife loves cats and that they were interested, could i send pictures. well, ok, sure. to make a long story short, they fell in love with her, i guess, and the next day they came and got her. first of all, i didn't even get to say goodbye to my baby, and second of all, my head is still spinning. i'm thinking...wtf just happened??? then, when i was already upset to the point of crying myself to sleep that night anyway, chaney calls and says 'guess what? we're not moving now. and you gave chunk away." wtf you mean you're not moving??!?!? i gave my baby away...and YOU'RE NOT MOVING. my mind is just chanting this over and over like a broken record. and so now, on top of being heartbroken over losing chunk and worried about how she's doing, i'm now immensely hurt and just furiously angry. now she's stuck somewhere i don't want her to be with people i don't even know and i'll never see her again...and it's all for nothing. she didn't have to leave. i should've waited to see what was going to happen. i didn't think my sister would change her mind THREE days before she's supposed to move. i feel like this cold, heartless bitch. i feel like i just booted my cat out the door for no reason at all. chunk will never forgive me and she'll hate me forever. i know some of you are probably like, it's just a cat, what's the problem? but if you've ever had a pet, especially one you liked more than your family members, then you'll know what i'm saying. i feel like i've just kicked a family member out of the family. and i guess i have. :'-(

i suck so bad...

2006-08-15T15:18:00.000-04:00

I was just reading Stef's page...thanks for the congrats last month, btw, and I realized that I'm such a loser. She has time to post regularly even given her hectic schedule. Me? I'm a big ole bum, basically, but I never post anything. I guess maybe because it feels like I don't really have anything to say. Most of the drama has died down in my life, but then again, after this past weekend I realized one thing: it got replaced by a LOT more drama...named Larry. I also realized that this past weekend was the first time I've heard him introduce me as his fiance, which makes me wonder 2 things: has he not introduced me like that before, given that we've been engaged 1 1/2 months now, and, do I really not listen to him that much to NOT notice how he introduces me? In either case, something's messed up. Ohhhh well. I guess it's better that I start listening to what he's saying now, rather than never, huh? Hey, it sounded good.

We've just been doing our own thing, getting settled into our house. I always wonder why we're doing all this crap to fix the place up when it's just a rental and we don't even plan on staying anyway. But I guess it's because we want it to look nice for however long we ARE here. Somedays it looks like it'll be forever. The money situation isn't good right now, but hopefully that'll improve before too long. It better...I have a wedding to pay for! Not to mention if I want to have a honeymoon somewhere.

I'm thinking about selling Avon products...specifically the mark ones. Would anyone out there be interested in buying them from me if I decided to do that? I figure I can do it on my own time, at my own pace, and pick up some extra cash, if it works out well. I need to do something, that's for sure. So far, since June 20th, I've only brought home $811. I used to bring that home biweekly at my other job! Who knows...any suggestions?

hello from my new computer!

2006-08-02T23:46:00.000-04:00

Hello all. Finally got a nice new computer that works, so I decided to say hello and let you know I'm still alive. Just been working on marketing stuff, trying to drum up business so I can get paid. Not much going on, just the day in, day out stuff. Slowly moving stuff down here to big ole Bluefield. As far as living here, I'm all settled in. Figuring out my way around more and more. Can't believe it's already August...by the way, HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY, EMMA FAITH! I can't believe my fathead is 2! Wow...where does the time go? It's pretty sad when you're lying in bed and you can't sleep at something like 2am, and all of a sudden a huge booming thought pops into your head...OH MY GOD...WHEN DID I BECOME AN ADULT??? That was scary. I was thinking about bills and my job and stuff, and WHAM...there it was.

Saw pics from my 10-year reunion, which was this past weekend. I conveniently skipped it. The way I see it, I didn't like these people in high school. If I wanted to see them, I'd have kept in touch over the years. And I didn't, so I'm sure not gonna pay money to see them now. And seeing the pics just reinforced that. I didn't miss much, and I don't regret not going.

...so that's that. It's a freaking oven in this room, so I'm going back into my nice cold dark room and going to sleep. Toodles!

introducing Conner Jae...

2006-07-17T12:50:00.000-04:00

Born on July 6, 2006 at 5:14pm, weighing 71b 10oz and 20 inches long. And he's sooooo precious!!!

Lots of big news!

2006-07-09T15:17:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'll start with the most recent: CONGRATULATIONS TAYLOR AND TYLER! Conner Jae Thompson FINALLY came into the world on July 6th at 5:14 pm, weighing 7 pounds 10 ounces and 20 inches long. Now, he was 2 days early, but when you've known pretty much from the start that he was coming, 9 months is a hell of a long time to wait! And he's not even my baby! He's my first great-nephew. I know that sounds weird coming from a 27 year old. Taylor is my 19 year old niece, for those of you who don't know. Apparently this little man is already a stud, which, since I'm told he looks like his daddy, must be true.

And my second piece of news: I'm officially engaged. Larry proposed on July 2nd at the World War II Memorial in Washington DC. And of course, given that I just said I'm officially engaged, I said yes. Awww...how romantic. It was perfect. And I LOVE my ring. Life is finally falling perfectly into place for me...it's unreal how happy one person can be.

moved all gone away

2006-06-22T18:24:00.000-04:00

dang, sorry I haven't posted since the beginning of the month! Y'all knew that I was getting a new job and moving, right? well, i moved and started that new job this week. as with any change, it takes some getting used to, but i am 1000 times happier than i've been in a long time. i'm loving living with larry, but i learned something the very first night...i am an extremely difficult person to live with. so what now? he's being extremely patient and supportive, which helps, given that i've never lived with a guy before, and swore i never would unless i was married! but given the circumstances, financially it's for the best, and i know we're going to get married, so that seems to make it all ok in my head. but again, the co-habitating still is a new thing. i'm having to adjust to keeping in mind that my moods and my decisions don't only affect me now, but they affect him as well. sometimes worse for him, because i've had almost 28 years to get used to the way i am...he's had 2 months. but we're just swimming along (although sometimes upstream, it seems) and making it through just fine. he can be moody and stubborn too, so it's a learning experience for both of us. by tomorrow, we should both be geniuses! is that even a word? it is now! i'm doing amazingly better in this job than i thought i would. apparently i have more experience and know more about what i'm doing than i thought i did, which is amazing, considering i've never been properly trained. they just kind of threw me in everywhere else and it was sink or swim. my new boss is wonderful. he sits in my sessions with me and offers constructive criticism and suggestions and a great deal of help. i'm finally being trained to do a job i've been doing for years! well...better late than never. and to all my former clients who were essentially my guinea pigs...I'M PROFOUNDLY SORRY. i really truly hope i helped you more than i harmed you, but in all honesty, i really don't know whether i made much of an impact either way. how can you when you were never taught to do what you're doing? that's like me going out and arresting someone without ever having any training on how to be a police officer. EEK. i would say it worries me, but the damage (hopefully lack of) is done; learn from it and move on. and so...that's my life. one big learning experience after another this week...like i said above, by tomorrow, i should be a genius!

be still.

stress? what stress? @#$#@%!!!!

2006-06-10T01:07:00.000-04:00

Ok, breathe. Feeling very stressed out and overwhelmed lately. I don't know which I'm more stressed out about...the whole moving, new job situation, or the bills that are creeping up on me. I know the new job will be wonderful once I get going, for so many reasons...namely, more money and no on call, as I've already mentioned. Right now I'm focusing more on the MORE MONEY part, especially since it seems like I come home every day to a stack of bills, then I go to my sister's on the weekend to another stack of crap. Just feeling very overwhelmed by it all right now. I've started getting Chaney's child support, which is going to help take care of her stuff, but I'm only getting $126 a week, which to me, given that the current amount is $437 and he owes me over $16,000 in back support, doesn't add up quite right. But whatever. I guess I shouldn't complain, because after all this time at least I'm finally getting SOMETHING. But still, when you've got a $700 credit card bill from her dentist, 2 other credit card bills because you had to buy the poor thing clothes, the braces she'll have to get, and the every day food, water, clothing, etc....$126 a week doesn't seem like much help. But it'll have to do. And it's better than nothing. That's $504 a month I wasn't getting until now. I know things will work out and the bills will sort themselves out; they always do. But when you're buried underneath a stack of them and can't see the sky above you, you have to wonder. And the whole time I'm under here fuming about my situation, my head keeps screaming: I DID NOT BUST MY ASS IN GRADUATE SCHOOL TO STILL BE THIS FRIGGIN' POOR. But hopefully, God willing, with this new job, things will finally start to turn around. No more 'let's pay a little on this now, and a little on that and save the others for later', and no more 'so what are we paying this time? car payment or student loan payment?' I'm hoping and praying it'll be soon I'll have the car paid off and can just be like dude, let's pay double on the student loans! *sigh*. Larry keeps saying he'll help me out however he can, but I can't let him do that. It's not HIS responsibility to pay MY bills. His reasoning is 'yeah, but when we're married it will be, so why should it be any different now?'. Because we're not married yet. His money is still his, mine is still mine. I wouldn't be so eager to give it away, 'cause later he'll regret it. :-P But in any case, there's nothing I can do about it at 1:15am, especially when I can't even get on my BB&T site to check my online statement. So what else is there to do but go to bed? Hopefully NOT to dream about more freaking bills!

...by the way, had a freak accident with Ms. Clairol...will have to share the pics when I upload them.

memory lane...

2006-06-04T00:26:00.000-04:00

I'd forgotten what one of the best cures for a lonely night is...a walk down memory lane with an old, dear friend. Wow...nothing cures the blues quite like reminiscing about 'the good ole days'. Unless, of course, doing so makes you even sadder, in which case, not generally a good idea. But in my case, it was just what the therapist ordered. Larry's stuck in BFE, Pennsylvania for the next 2 weeks for leadership school for the military, which means I very VERY seldom get to hear that precious voice, which also means I'm having severe withdrawals and am very lonely and blue. Enter Kendra Sue. Between telling me about her pending divorce, her crush on "the hottest guy ever" # 3,681, and the inevitable walk down memory lane, which means catching up on all the gossip and scandals of my beloved Tennessee town, I am now feeling perfectly at peace and content again. And it really helps to know that even though I've been gone from Oneida since 1999, people haven't forgotten me. People still ask about me. Didn't know I was that memorable. But then again, my time there, though way too short, has never left me either. Tennessee is my soul, it's 200 years of who I am. Someday, I will be back there. Someday, I'll never have to leave again. West Virginia is probably fine, but there's nothing like Tennessee. Nothing like the warm nights on the front porches, big family get-togethers and that Southern hospitality you can't find anywhere else but...obviously, in the South. How can someone get so attached to a PLACE? I know that it shouldn't matter where you are, it should be what you make of it...but I'm telling you, with Tennessee, it's more than that. I didn't even want to be there when I first went, but it ended up bringing me the happiest years of my life, that I have yet to equal, much less surpass. I know my life with Larry will be great and wonderful and happy, but it won't be perfect unless...UNTIL we're in Tennessee. What is it about that place that has me so...I don't know, obsessed? Is it normal, or even possible, to be in love with a place?

...like a tumbleweed...

2006-05-31T19:02:00.000-04:00

I thought I'd say hello, and let you know I'm relocating AGAIN. I accepted a job with a private agency in Beckley yesterday. I start June 20th. It means: more money (I'll pretty much triple my income), NO ON CALL, none of the community mental health hassles, NO ON CALL, I'll be closer to my GOOD sister and my man...did I mention NO ON CALL?!?! This guy's had this business for 13 years, and it's just him running it out of Beckley and Lewisburg. He wants to get me in there and get me going and turn over the entire Beckley office to me. He doesn't want to fool with it anymore, but doesn't want to close it because it makes him money. He's giving me 40% of what I bring in, and they charge $195 an hour for therapy...I'm movin' on up in the world!

And...that's the area I wanted to be in originally anyway, and so things work out all around for so many reasons. It amazes me how things are finally falling into place with me. Got the perfect man, a job I actually think I might LIKE this time, moving to the area I wanted to be in in the first place...can't help but love life at this moment. And people at Westbrook are being really supportive and great about me leaving, which really helps, especially given the mess last time I tried to leave somewhere...y'all know exactly what I'm talking about.

...oh yeah, and in case you haven't figured it out yet...that's MY BABY!

Happy Memorial Day!

2006-05-29T11:38:00.000-04:00

Happy Memorial Day! I have to say...I've been on call for the past couple Memorial Weekends, and I got out of it this year...and I've had the time of my life! Went 4-wheeler riding with Larry and his sister's family Saturday for about 7 hours (still very sore from that, partly because I FELL IN THE RIVER). The last time I had been on a 4-wheeler was with Bobby...I guess life does go on. And then yesterday I subjected Larry and Bailey to the biggest part of my immediate family when I made them dress up and go to Bubba's wedding with me. :-) They looked very handsome. As soon as I get back and get my cable to upload my pics, I'll have to post some. Other than that, don't really have a lot to say. Just been hanging out with my baby and loving my life lately. I'm gonna marry that man. I promise you that. It's unlike anything I've ever experience before. And he wasn't lying when he said there wasn't much he wouldn't do for me. Of course, he had me hooked when he said he'd paint my toenails. That was what I was looking for. Say no more...ya got me. Hook, line, and sinker. :-)

I'm sure I'll probably remember what else I wanted to say later...then again, maybe not...

a whole month!

2006-05-22T20:56:00.000-04:00

Wow...have I really not posted anything since the 9th of this month? Dang, time flies when you're FALLING IN LOVE. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's right. I'm falling hard and I'm falling fast. But you know what? I think this time it's ok. I'm gonna be caught. How do I know this? A woman knows. That's all there is to it. I also know that I'm gonna marry this guy. I can promise you that. Some things you just know. If everything goes well with this little scheme I've got cooked up, I'll be heading outta here and on my way to where I really want to be within the next few weeks...which is DOWN SOUTH. Granted, it's still not my precious Tennessee or the Carolinas, but it's a start. If things do what I hope they're gonna do, I'll be living in Virginia come this time next month...definitely beats on the OHIO border. Not that there's anything wrong with Ohio, it's just in the wrong direction. I'm a SOUTHERN girl. The farther south I am, the happier I am. Can't blame a girl for wanting to be happy. Life's too short not to be. But I will say that Larry makes me very happy. And we all know a happy girl is a GOOD thing. If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy. :-P

life on the funny farm...

2006-05-08T21:14:00.000-04:00

...this is what my oh-so-intelligent sister just came in and said to me: "Well, I did it 4 times (referring to some Chinese gender test thing, who knows with her) and 3 out of 4 said a girl. Only one said a boy...so it'll be one of the two."

OMG...ya think?!?!?!

NOW does anyone remotely understand why I WANT OUT?!?!

guarantees

2006-05-06T00:47:00.000-04:00

This line from Runaway Bride is absolutely perfect...just came across it again, and had to share it...

I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.

*sigh*...LOVING IT!

...like you've never been hurt

2006-05-06T00:24:00.000-04:00

"The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt." ~Unknown

So I've heard...but I'm finding that as Larry and I grow closer and this thing becomes deeper and more real, that's hard for me to do. Because I HAVE been hurt. I've been lied to, cheated on, beaten, and left. I know Larry didn't do any of those, and he swears he never will, and while my heart believes him, my mind keeps going 'but that's what they said too'. I trust him, I do. I'm 99% sure he wouldn't do any of those...but there's that little 1% that knows he's capable, whether he does or not. I need to get past that. How? I'm the therapist here! I should know this! How is it I can help everyone else, but I can't do a damn thing for myself? I CANNOT lose this guy. I'm not going to let any doubts and fears I may have over what the other losers have done cause me to lose someone who may very well be 'the one'. I never understood what it meant to 'just know' when someone is right for you and that you're going to marry that person, but amazingly...and almost scarily enough...I'm feeling it with this guy. Unlike anything I've ever felt before. Whatever those other feelings were, nothing ever remotely came close to this. I'm amazed, and I don't ever want this feeling to end. Just to warn you guys, I'll be sending wedding invitations at some point. ;-) Just so you're not surprised when I say I TOLD YOU SO. That is, unless my occasional doubts and fears SCREW IT UP. I'm working very, very hard on that, though. I keep chanting over and over, 'he didn't do it...they did'. Most of the time it helps, but there are always moments where I think anybody in the beginnings of a relationship stops and wonders how long it's going to last, where it's going to go, things of that nature. Or...maybe not. Maybe I'm just the neurotic one, which is entirely possible. Hmmmm...

back...in BLACK.

2006-04-30T12:22:00.000-04:00

...now this is what I call FREAKING AWESOME.

...God only cries for the living...'cause it's the living who are so far from home. ~Diamond Rio

At odds...

2006-04-30T11:33:00.000-04:00

I was alone in the dark, never let down my guard. Closed the curtain on my heart so the world could not see all the demons in me. Told myself I was free, then you showed me how wrong I could be...

My opening up...is pushing him away. How do you fix something like that? When I talk about something that's bothering me and that I need to get off my chest, the poor guy gets all weird on me thinking I'm putting up walls and pushing him away. The way things are going now, I'd be a complete dumbass to push him away. If I do screw this up, I have no one to blame but myself for being alone and miserable. Here's this amazing person wanting like crazy (for some insane reason) to be with me...how in the world could I ever let that go? I finally found someone who isn't afraid of commitment, is dying to be with me, and who is very extremely capable of falling head over heels in love with me, and wants to give it every chance in the world! As happy as he's already making me, there's no way I'd ever walk away. I guess it's just going to take time, because it seems to me that we're both waiting for the other shoe to drop. It can't be this good, I can hear both our heads saying. No way it can stay like this. Our pasts have done a number on us. But I for one refuse to let those losers win. They are not going to have that much control over me, especially now. I'm not letting them ruin what may very well turn out to be the best thing I've ever had. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna do it. My heart tells me so. This is going to be amazing. Wait and see. And one more disturbing, yet extremely comforting fact:

My family approves. At least, they act like they do, and say good things.

This in itself is unheard of. They've never liked anyone before...EVER. Hmmmm...do they know something I don't know?

if you believe...

2006-04-27T20:52:00.000-04:00

I opened up my eyes, and every wish I had was granted...

In keeping all of you posted like I promised, I wanted to share that things are going amazingly well for me. Never in a million years thought it'd be him, but all week I've wondered why the hell I waited so long. I don't have a single doubt about this guy or where this is going...my gut tells me this one's not going anywhere, and I'm unbelievably thankful for that. I can't believe it took me all this time to open my eyes and see what was right in front of me the whole time. It's kind of comical really. I told him the other night that it took both of us moving away from Richwood to get us together. But, I guess that's what God had planned. And that's ok with me, because this is perfect. Lately I'd been feeling depressed and wondering if the best years of my life were behind me...with him, I feel like my life has just begun. He makes me want to be a better person, and he brings out the best in me. I can tell that already. In short, he is absolutely perfect, and I don't know what the hell I was thinking making him wait so long. Don't even want to think about what would've happened if he hadn't been so patient and persistent and had just given up on me. But I guess he saw and felt something there that took me a little longer to realize...or accept. I can hear you all now...isn't this too much, too hard, too fast? Didn't say I was in love. I'd admit it if I was. He's just...getting to me. Badly. It's unreal. But on the other side, it's not like we're complete strangers. We've known each other for years and been friends for a couple/few years, so I've gotten to sort of know him...now I'm just getting to know everything else. And something else...how fast is too fast when it's turning out to be everything you've ever wanted? NOT that I'm getting married anytime soon, guys, calm down. I'm just feeling more than I thought I'd be feeling at this point, and it's a little alarming, but also...amazing. I think I finally let the right one in.

a little thing called love...

2006-04-23T18:43:00.000-04:00

I got asked a very good question last night, which has rattled my brain ever since. I've never been asked this question in my life.

"Don't you miss being loved?"

I sat there for a few minutes, and the only reply I could come up with was, "I don't think I've ever really been loved."

Friday night I was scared to death thinking I'd never find it...today I'm scared to death that I will. He said and did all the right things:

"You're perfect for me."
"I want all of you, but I want your heart most of all."
"I am so into you."
"I can't stop thinking about you."
"I love everything about you."

And I know all too well that talk is cheap. People say things to get what they want more often than not. If it's my heart he's really after, he's gonna hafta PROVE IT. Last night was a good start, being all attentive and affectionate, but then again, last night could've also been a typical male attempt to get in my pants. Holy crap, I don't know what to do. I have a guy right here in front of me who's practically BEGGING ME to let him love me, and I'm scared to death to open myself up like that again. But then I bitch and whine and cry about not being able to find anyone. I shouldn't let this one get away. If I do, I have no one to blame but myself. I said a prayer Friday night (after getting my hopes crushed again) for a good guy to come my way, someone who's crazy about me and isn't going to run...and Saturday afternoon, right there he was...funny how life works sometimes. Anybody out there have any suggestions or advice for what I should do? I don't want to let this guy get away, but I'm scared to death to let him in.

Amazing...

2006-04-21T20:52:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY J! You are now officially OLD.

I kept the right ones out, and let the wrong ones in. I had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins...

~Aerosmith, Amazing

That pretty much sums it up. I've definitely done a bang-up job of letting the wrong ones in.

Happy Easter!

2006-04-16T18:35:00.000-04:00

...I ran over the Easter Bunny. Oops. Stopped by Bobby's grave today for the first time since the 1 year anniversary of his death. You'd think that after a year and a half the crying would stop. Guess some things you never get over. Like burying your friends at 32 years old.

I realized something last night...it's no fun riding around doing the truth or dare thing when you're the only one in the vehicle anyone wants to know any dirt on. But I also learned that apparently guys are offended when you give them a Cialis then pass out on them. That was kind of a funny story. Sort of. Ok, not really. But the story I really wanted to hear is why a male whore was given a penis pump! OH, so many thoughts run through the head with THAT ONE. And you just gotta love drunk dialing the exes. Until it gets turned around and the ex is all like, come see me. Waitaminute. I thought that's what I was supposed to say. I wasn't about to say it, 'cause that's one bridge that doesn't ever need to be crossed again, but he's apparently standing on the middle of that damn bridge jumping up and down! *sigh*. Guess he took the 'don't forget to remember me' speech to heart. Nice to know I'm missed, I guess. All in all, it was definitely an interesting night. Spanky's just lucky he made it out with all his body parts still intact, 'cause he was going the right way for a busted nose. Granted, I'm so glad to be gone, but going home is sometimes nice too. The whole roots and wings thing...

time to fly

2006-04-11T00:22:00.000-04:00

you know it's time to get the hell outta dodge when you can't even stand the sight of your family members more days than not these days. love em...don't like em. especially when you've got a massively pregnant, hormonal chick who burns up in 30 degree weather and insists on freezing the whole house. and i've had about 88 too many nights of sleeping on the couch. at first it was all fine and good, but with each day that passes, i keep thinking...holy shit, i'm 27. i'm gonna be 28 this year...and i'm still crashing with my sisters???? this shit has got to stop. i have an 11 year old, for crying out loud. she needs her own space, her own roots. more often than not lately, i have really been doubting myself as a decent mother. she deserves worlds better than what i'm giving her, especially more than a damn air mattress on the living room floor. alright, since i ranted about that, and am in serious need of sleep, i think i'm gonna hit the be...no, COUCH. :-P

take take take

2006-04-05T15:29:00.000-04:00

Seems like everybody wants something, and I don't know how much more I can give. And the worst part about it is, my family members are the biggest ones. It's all take take take. I'm EXPECTED to be the obedient little sister and do as they say and wtf ever. I hate to tell them, but nowhere on my birth certificate does it say I was put on this earth to serve anyone! It's just getting really bad, and I can feel it really starting to take its toll on me. Stress level is through the roof, nerves are frazzled, memory is all but gone, can't focus on anything. MY FAMILY IS $#!@#% PSYCHOTIC! Ok, now that I got that out of my system, I need to find a place to live! Anybody have any suggestions? If I followed you home, would you keep me?

i have not failed...

2006-04-02T01:05:00.000-05:00

"I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work."
~Thomas Edison

While I'm assuming he was referring to the lightbulb (or so I've heard), that quote reminds me a lot of my relationships, when I'm thinking of them in the most positive light possible...which sometimes, gets hard to do. But yeah, after the many, many so-called 'beautiful disasters' I've experienced in my life, I've sure found a LOT of ways that don't work when it comes to relationships. Which brings me to this: what DOES work? I'm sure what works for one won't work for another. So how do we ever manage to find that person that whatever IT is...does work? And how long do we keep trying? Is there any such thing as a perfect fit in a relationship, or are we all trying to shove square pegs into round holes?

April Fools!

2006-04-01T18:33:00.000-05:00

I don't really have much of anything to say, but I haven't said anything in awhile, so I figured I'd better, or everyone will run away...waitaminute...everyone WHO? Nobody reads this thing, so it wouldn't even matter! Oh well...I'm already here. I was thinking I was going to get to go out with Tiff tonight, because I was thinking we were both coming home, but she stood me up. Soooo...here I sit all by myself on April Fools thinking 'well, this sucks'. Alright then. I'm fresh out of tricks to play on my sister; she pretty much already has me figured out by now, considering I've been playing pranks on her on this date since around 1998 or 99. But it was very fun while it lasted! I need someone new and some new pranks. I'm just mischievous that way, I guess. So anyway, like I said, I don't really have anything spectacular to share or any news or anything. Same old stuff. Yay me. Think I'm gonna go soak in the tub till next year...

...for a little while...

2006-03-21T00:05:00.000-05:00

*we were so long on love, but short on time...*
~Tim McGraw, For A Little While

well, this was one hell of a weekend, that much is for sure. walked into the bar saturday night, not a care in the world...looked to my right, and the very FIRST person i saw was the one person who ripped my world apart 6 1/2 months ago without even an explanation or goodbye. the night just went downhill from there. granted, i got some answers, but truthfully, part of me thinks i would've been better off never knowing. just letting it go. i thought i was over him. now i'm not so sure. some things i wish i'd never heard. but then again...no matter what else happens in my life from this point on, i know without a doubt for sure and certain that at least once in my life i was really, truly loved. and that in itself is an amazing feeling. i feel like a tumbleweed on a tilt-a-whirl. part of me is just like, let it go and walk away. it will always be a 'what might've been' moment. but another part of me isn't so ready to let him go. it wasn't over. i wasn't done. but i wasn't given a choice. but the question is: do i want to put my heart out there again? i can't trust that he won't get scared and run again. given his track record, i'd say the odds are pretty damn good. my heart absolutely cannot go through that again. but right now, my heart can't seem to let him go either. right now though, all i can give him is my friendship. we'll see what the future holds. but i do know this: it's gonna take something major to get me back. likely nothing less than a big fat engagement ring, and right now is extremely iffy if that would even work. *sigh*...drama drama drama. i need a vacation from my life.

Ana Isabel

2006-03-18T12:47:00.000-05:00

This is my new little cousin, Ana Isabel! She was born March 6, 2006 at 5:02pm, and weighed 6 pounds, 13.5 ounces and was 19.5 inches long! How precious. Babies babies everywhere! Speaking of babies, I want to say something to another very special little one...HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY TANLEY BRIANNE!

Friends

2006-03-14T21:08:00.000-05:00

If the good Lord calls me home, I'd like to think my friends will think about me when I'm gone...
~Tracy Lawrence, If I Don't Make It Back

...brings up all sorts of thoughts. If...when...something does happen to me, will my friends think about me? Would, say, Byrd, drink a Bud Light 'in my honor' every now and then? That line makes me stop and wonder how and even IF I've touched others' lives, at least enough to be remembered when I'm gone. Granted, I'm hoping I don't go anywhere for a long, long time, but again...none of us think that. I would love to think that I've made my friends' lives better and that I've been a great friend, but I can't be sure of that. I ASSUME I am, or they probably wouldn't stick around...would they? Would you stick around if someone was a horrible friend? Didn't think so. So I guess I've been at least a decent friend, because the friends I have, I've had for years. Or...is it that they stay out of habit? I always joke around with Tiff that we're not really friends anymore, but after almost 17 years, it's just habit. But what if that's really true?!?! Am I depressing or what? I read all these other blogs that are upbeat and hilarous, then here's mine...all pensive and deep and just plain depressing. I'm gonna go eat potato soup now.

Where does it hurt

2006-03-08T22:10:00.001-05:00

Every Saturday night I watched Roy Rogers on TV, back when everything was black and white and easy to see. But now everything has changed...except my memory, of my daddy’s voice when I’d fall and skin my knee...Tell me where does it hurt? Where is the pain? You know if I could I’d make it go away. It’s not the end of the world, not heaven on earth. Did I make it better? Where does it hurt?

~Warren Brothers, Where Does It Hurt

Ok, so maybe it was more like Hee Haw, and in color, but in any case, I was right there with my daddy watching it every Saturday night as a child. And yes, everything has DEFINITELY changed. And what I wouldn't give to hear my dad's voice again. And my mom's. I can hear my dad's from time to time when I play those old home videos of him, but I'll never have that luxury with my mom. It's been almost 12 years since she died, and it sure feels it. Feels like longer, actually. Hell, feels like she never existed. But obviously she did. I see her in the mirror every morning. I see her when I look at my sister, and my nieces, and my own daughter. She surely must've been here. And as much as I still see her in every face every day, she's still here. The same goes for my dad...

How could you be so far away, when you're still here? When I need you you're not hard to find. You're still here...I can see you in my baby's eyes, and I laugh and cry. You're still here. I had a dream last night that you came to me on silver wings and I flew away with you on a painted sky. And I woke up wondering what was real...Is what you see and touch, or what you feel? 'Cause you're still here. Oh you're everywhere we've ever been. You're still here. I heard you in a strangers laugh and I hung around to hear him laugh again...just once again.

~Faith Hill, You're Still Here

Moving...and moving on.

2006-02-26T14:57:00.000-05:00

If nothing else, these past couple of months have really made me think of the past. Where my life's going...moreso, where it's been. I can't say I've had a bad ride. It has definitely been a trip.

I've read a few books, wrote a few songs, looked at my life...where it's going, where it's gone.

I've had a good life. Ups and downs, sure...who doesn't? But I'm a better person for it. They made me...me. Most of them I wouldn't trade for anything. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way.

I find myself sitting here, having uprooted my life YET AGAIN, thinking about the guys in my past, mostly. My friends have come along for the ride, but the guys are now just distant, sometimes vague memories. The Marks and the Lances, the Gunners and the Wades...every woman should have them. In some cases, every woman HAS had them, but...did I say that? Ooops...I don't know what course God has set me on; it's not for me to know. Just trust my captain, hold on tight, and enjoy the ride.

~Every woman should have one old love she can see herself going back to...and one who reminds her how far she's come.

Sometimes it hurts, sure. I wonder why, but sometimes things are bettr than I could've dreamed. And that is what stays with you. Those moments are the ones that make it all worthwhile. Those moments are what keeps me going, hoping...dreaming.

thank you Dale Jr!

2006-02-16T22:15:00.000-05:00

I have to thank Dale Jr for my GREAT day today...lol...as much sense as that makes. I had a dram about him last night. A really good dream, and it just really helped me have a great day today. And for all you perverts out there, NO, it was NOT a sexual dream in any way. It was just a really good dream. And I'm not sharing it. Certain things a girl just wants to keep to herself. But I will say this: the whole way to work I'm chanting this silent prayer along the lines of: Dear God, if there is ANY way in this big ole world that would EVER happen, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let it happen, and soon. This was what you would've heard in my car all the way down the interstate. :-P I'm thinking wow...whatever I ate or thought or said or did before I went to sleep, I want to do that every night from now on! It was definitely interesting, and an awesome dream. Granted, sometimes my dreams don't make one iota of sense, but this one made perfect sense and just reinforces the notion that 'a dream is a wish your heart makes'. OH, HOW I WISH! lol.

Now, completely off that subject, I hope you all had a nice VD...thanks Jay, for that 'LOVERLY' way of putting it. I got a box of chocolates from the little stud at work. Ashley swears she called that one...and she did...but I know my luck. I never saw it coming. I refused to let myself get my hopes up for anything spectacular to happen that day, so that way there was no disappointment, like I've made the mistake of doing in years past. And whaddya know? Sometimes the things you least expect to happen happen in the most unexpected places with the most unexpected people. I had a smile on my face the rest of the day from that little gesture. Amazing how little it takes to please me, isn't it? But then, chocolate ALWAYS works. Can't go wrong with that! I LOVE it.

Alright, I just thought I'd post since I hadn't in awhile, so I'm going to bed now. Gotta get up, finish packing, go to work, then drive 2 hours to my sister's after work. Yay me! And watch it freaking SNOW.

Only time...

2006-02-09T19:43:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings and attributes lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all prepared their boats and left the island.
Love was the only one who stayed behind. You see, Love wanted to wait until the last possible moment before leaving.
The island was almost sunk, and Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat.
Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."
Love decided to ask Vanity, who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!"
"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked for help. "Sadness, let me go with you."
"Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"
Happiness passed by Love too. Happiness did not hear the cry for help, for Happiness was so happy.
Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that Love forgot to ask the elder's name.
When they arrived at dry land, the elder went on its way. Love, realizing how much it owed the elder asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" asked Love, "But why did Time help me?"
Knowledge smiled with deep Wisdom and answered,

"Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

Journaling

2006-02-07T22:03:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAUL! Have your bones started fossilizing yet? Dang, you're old.

I like journaling. I love putting my thoughts, feelings, and ideas out there. But it's gotten me hurt in the past when it's been used against me. As a result of that, I find I now write very cryptically so that most people don't know who or what I'm talking about. That way no one can hurt me again. But it still hurts me. I can't get it all out like I want and need to, and when I go back to read it later, even I sometimes have no idea what was going on in my head. Travis tried to get me out of doing that, and I swear I tried, but after him I found myself being, if possible, even more cryptic than before. I feel like I have no one I can talk freely with about what's going on with me to help get things off my chest. Hell, the person who's supposed to be my best friend in the world...I can't even talk to her anymore. Not the way I used to. If and when I do talk to her, I find myself watching the things I say. And she said moving wouldn't change anything. My big ass it didn't. Besides, she's got her own world of problems she's dealing with...she sure as crap doesn't need the burden of mine. Everyone comes to me to talk, for advice, to get things off their chests...where does the therapist go?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2006-02-05T22:57:00.000-05:00

HAPPY 11TH BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL!!! I LOVE YOU!

Groundhog Day

2006-02-02T23:24:00.000-05:00

That dumb ole groundhog saw his shadow today...it was the front passenger side of my tire. >:) Soooo...there WILL be 6 more weeks of winter...but not for that little bastard. I fixed that.

cry out to Jesus

2006-01-28T12:31:00.000-05:00

I realized that I haven't posted about Bobby in awhile, and today seems like a good day to do it, given that he died on the 28th day. I guess that means I'm healing. Slowly, but surely. I heard a song the other day that reminds me of him, and of others I've lost along the way. This is for all of you who've lost someone you love. Cry out to Jesus.

To everyone who's lost someone they love long before it was their time; you feel like the days you had were not enough when you said goodbye. And to all of the people with burdens and pains keeping you back from your life. You believe that there's nothing and there is no one who can make it right. There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary, love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing. He'll meet you wherever you are...Cry out to Jesus.

Love that song. It's awesome. It's by a group called Third Day. Listen to it. Well worth it. Since I'm feeling better, and it's gorgeous out, I'm getting outta here!

Love you always, Bob.

my neurotic musing of the day

2006-01-23T18:31:00.000-05:00

Monday...should've just stayed in bed. Almost did. Overslept by 40 minutes, first of all. Last night I couldn't get the freaking alarm to turn off when I was setting it. Today it wouldn't come on. Then I get up to a message on the computer from my best friend saying 'it's happened again'. What's happened again, I don't exactly know...but it can't be good. Those words typically aren't. Then I couldn't find my socks, shoes, or keys. My sister, thank Heavens, took Chaney to school, or that would've been a bigger mess. Poor child. Had to throw stuff on running. With her worthless excuse for a father and my complete ineptness, she will always break my heart. She deserves so much better than idiots like us. Granted, I'm 1000 times better than that piece of junk, but I'm still not good enough for her. On top of it all, I'm STILL sick, and it's STILL raining! Not that I mind the rain, just not when it's to the point of flooding! There's something sexy about the rain. Part of me wants a man to dance in the rain with me (ok, maybe not in January), but right now, a bigger part of me doesn't want to take a chance again. If any of you out there are wondering, no, this last guy didn't break my heart. Here's why--it wasn't even whole to start with. So, here's what he's credited with doing: he simply cracked it the rest of the way. That's all. The next guy who's brave enough to give it a shot better have some damn good super glue, that's all I have to say. Because it's going to take a lot. I'm about one turn away from chucking it all and running away. If it weren't for Chaney, I already would've. If it weren't for Chaney, I'd have already done a lot of things, not many of them very good. I thought this move would help. I thought wrong. Didn't make it worse, just...didn't help like I thought it would. Anyway, here's a parting thought: a woman can get her heart broken over and over and still keep looking for love. A guy gets his heart broken once and he's screwed for life.

Something about a Sunday

2006-01-22T13:26:00.000-05:00

Alright, I really don't know what to post here, because I'm sick and my brain cells are immobilized in mucus and therefore rendered useless, but Tiff seems to think I should say something, because she's sick of reading the same post 30 times a day. Darn, hate that for her. So let's see what we can come up with, shall we? Well, I'm giving up on love, on guys. Somewhere between this one guy up and running, after expressly telling me he was going to stick around, to trying to meet new guys, only to be told these 3 things:

1. I want to tie you to a tree and make love to you all night long.
2. I'm not looking for a relationship, but if you want to be fuck buddies, I'd love that.
3. I want you to put clothespins on my dick and tie me to a bed.

So yeah, I'm hanging it up for awhile. The world is seriously freaking me out. Well, not so much the 2nd one, because that's "normal" for a guy to want the milk without buying the cow, but the 1st and 3rd...FREAKY. Tiff doesn't believe me. I don't really believe me either, but it's been almost a month since Ole Blue Eyes tucked his tail between his legs and ran for the hills, and I still feel just the same. Don't really want to be around them, don't really want to talk to them or deal with them in any way. I think they should send them all to the moon. That's the kind of mood I'm in. I'm fed up with guys, I'm sick, I'm tired, and I'm sick of being sick and tired! So there Tiff, there's your damn post. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

When the going gets tough...

2006-01-10T21:20:00.000-05:00

...the tough (and the smart) get the hell outta Dodge. And that's exactly what I did. But I find myself looking over my shoulder at what I left behind. I read somewhere once, "Don't look back unless you intend to go that way." Well, I have to disagree. I think sometimes you have to look back to see how far you've come. And to keep from repeating past mistakes. Heaven knows I've made plenty. But...I have few regrets. Does that make any sense? Can we make mistakes without having regrets for those mistakes? My opinion is yes, because I'm living proof of that. Looking back at where I was, I can see how far I've come. I'm a million miles and years from the girl I used to be. I don't even know who that girl is anymore. I like who I am and what I've got, but God, I loved who I was and what I had. I've always thought that when I left Tennessee, I left the best part of me. Truth is, I still do. But things change. I've changed. Tennessee has changed. Would I even be happy there now? I already know the answer to that. Yes, I would. Without a doubt. It's my soul. I've been missing it a lot more since moving here, but realizing that he accomplished his goal and made it back really drives home the sad fact that I haven't. Again, another lifetime ago. But if anything, I remember how much he loved Tennessee and how he wanted to be back there. It took him awhile, but he made it. Guess I'm taking the scenic route. He's no longer in my life, and hurt me amazingly badly leaving it, but I realize now, thinking about it all, I've let it go. Because I am really, truly happy for him. And it makes me want to make myself happy. Have you ever been so in love with a place that it killed you to leave it, and the one thing you want more than anything is to go back? I swear, if Tennessee had an ocean, it would be my idea of Heaven on earth. My second thought is, what the hell am I doing in West Virginia?!?!

Live cheering drunken idiots

2006-01-08T23:45:00.000-05:00

So, this has definitely been the OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE weekend for me. Thinking I had made a HUGE mistake. Miserable all weekend. It all started when I went out with my oldest niece on Friday night. Sure, we'll meet your friends there, have a good ole time. RIGHT. Long before Lance and the guys ever thought about showing up, there was entertainment. Of sorts. I beat Ashley at pool 3 times, and apparently I did this little...something...that was interpreted as a cheer by this guy. This is where the drunken part comes in. He comes staggering over, making some comment about me cheering. I tell him that I used to be a cheerleader, so that was most likely something that resembled that (whatever). The cheering idiot part comes in when this man, well into his 50s, at least, starts CHEERING and trying to do TOE TOUCHES IN THE BAR. OMG. I looked at Ashley, and I was like, 'is this dude gay or drunk?'. She simply responded with a 'I think it's both.' WTF? And then I had a known drug dealer all up in my shit rambling on about one-night stands. He told me "someday you WILL have a one-night stand. Trust me. You will." Uhhh...sorry to disappoint you, LOSER, but I will NEVER do that, because that's not who I am, and even if I should ever reach the point where I DO do that, I can guarandamntee you it won't be with YOU. I want to know where all the good ones are hiding. 'Cause these sure aren't them. I also want to know if I'll ever find a guy who won't be GREAT at first, say all the right things...then when it starts getting real, turn around and run like hell. Here's a news flash for you: IT'S SUPPOSED TO GET REAL. THAT'S WHAT RELATIONSHIPS DO. If you're wanting something oh, I don't know...FAKE...then get a blow-up doll. I am a real, live woman. I have feelings. I have a heart. I feel joy, I feel pain. I laugh when I'm happy and cry when you hurt me. Don't start with me unless you plan on sticking around to see it through, whatever happens. That's all I ask. Is that too much?

Why

2006-01-05T19:53:00.000-05:00

Fate has a way of changing, just when you don't want it to...

Dumb of me, I know. But I'm curious as to what it means. Does my heart know something I don't? Or maybe that I don't want to acknowledge? I thought I was past it. Thought I'd let it go about 8 months ago. So why, faced with what I was, was my heart so broken? If that's how it's really gonna be, I'm glad it wasn't reality, but only a dream. Which again, brings to mind...does my heart know something I don't? Why that particular dream? Why now? I let it go. Or at least, I thought I let it go. Apparently, some part of me didn't. Most dreams fade soon after waking. Not this one. It has stayed with me way too vividly. Especially the pain I felt. The pain was so real, I feel it even now, hours after waking. I keep asking, as I've already done several times here...why this? Why now? Why him? Basically...just...why?

I give up trying to understand me, so a warning to all of you out there: if I don't understand me, what makes you think YOU can?!?!

Out of time

2006-01-04T18:59:00.000-05:00

My mind has been overwhelmingly preoccupied lately. I keep thinking about the miners, their families, friends...everyone they left behind. The whole thing just breaks my heart. Especially reading about the miners and who they were. I keep wondering how long these men laid there and suffered, dying slowly, before finally losing the battle. They just ran out of time. But how long before rescue teams got there? If it turns out it was only an hour or so before they got there, that makes it absolutely...there are no words. My brother and nephews are miners. This is my brother's mine. My nephews used to work there, but left for a union mine. My heart completely breaks for these families. I can't even imagine what it must be like to go to work, or watch your husband go to work every day, knowing very well he might not come home. I hope I don't ever have to, because if my heart breaks this much for people I don't even know, I don't think I could survive if it was someone I loved. I pray with everything I have that these families find a way to cope with this, and get through this. My heart and every ounce of my prayers are with each and every one of you.

**God bless the families and the miners of the Sago Mine**

Last day of 2005

2005-12-31T12:17:00.000-05:00

Well, I survived my first week. It went ok, I guess, work-wise, at least. My love life is apparently shot all to hell again, since I haven't spoken to him since he chose WRESTLING over ME last Monday. I tried calling, he doesn't answer. Screw it. If that's how it's gonna be, fine with me. I'm in a new town with new people and new opportunities. Don't need to waste my time on someone where I never know whether it's on again or off again. I wrote this big...whatever at work the other day, and when I find it, I'll post that too to share. It's rather interesting. It's bits of...reflection, I guess, interspersed with song lyrics, 'cause y'all know me...I love my music.

Things, for the most part, are going ok here. I've been more down lately, trying to get adjusted and all this crap going on with Mr. Man, but I'm hanging in there. Chaney's not doing so well. She's having adjustment problems, but I knew she would. She really misses my sister badly, and it definitely showed today in one of her little tantrums. Just a minor one, really. Kicking the shoes across the room, screaming, crying...not a major one. And even with that one, my poor sister was like...whoa...wtf? Me, I'm like, don't take it personally, and that's nothing compared to some others.

I've learned this past week that I should go off on her father more often. He actually gives me money for her if I do. He gave me double what he usually gives me. He doesn't quite know what to do with a bold, assertive...ok, BITCH me. He's used to the old me he could beat up on and order around. He's rather speechless, and it's rather awesome. I'm liking this new me. If only I could be more of a bitch with people in general. Maybe that'll be my New Years resolution...stand up for myself more. That, and my usual: EAT MORE CHOCOLATE. I KNOW I can keep that one. What's yours? Anybody making one?

freaking out a little...

2005-12-23T23:20:00.000-05:00

It's Friday night. We leave Monday. I'm freaking out. What am I doing? Can I do this? Do I really want to, when it comes down to it? Ok, that last one was dumb. Hell yeah, I wanna do it. Just a little apprehensive about turning everybody's lives upside down because I get a wild hair up my ass and decide to take off. It's not just me things affect anymore. I don't know if this fear I have is exacerbated by being sick or what, but for some reason tonight, I am definitely feeling it. And I'm not liking it.

I think my first clue to re-think this was when I decided to clean the fish tank tonight. Big mistake. I forgot to unplug the heater, so it shattered when it had no water to heat. Then, I thought I broke the filter when I took it out to clean...thankfully, I was able to fix it. And to top it off, my big dumb ass decided hey, instead of carrying about 15 gallons of water (which is about how much I took out; it's a 29-gallon tank) back and forth in buckets, I'm gonna get the water hose and fill it up! HA! I brought the hose upstairs, put it in the tank, ran down to turn it on, and came upstairs...to a freaking water fountain in my living room. The stupid hose came out of the tank and was watering the Christmas tree and carpet very nicely. Holy crap. I got it in the tank, and filled it up, and managed to either freeze the fish or just stun them because they finally have decently clean water. I thought the suckers were dead. Nahhhh...just in shock from my stupidity. *sigh*...Tomorrow we'll tackle...nothing, at this rate. :-P

Does someone want to explain to me why I LOVE Newlyweds now that Nick and Jessica split up? I've watched it all evening. I'm...twisted, I guess. Hearing the lovey dovey songs and them talking about doing this, that, and the other and how they'll be at whatever age...and I'm thinking, NOOOOO, YOU WON'T!!!! HAHAHAHAHA...I'm so mean. :-X I really do feel badly for them though. I wouldn't mind being rich, but I wouldn't want to be famous. Life is hard enough without having every single move you make photographed and scrutinized to death. Getting your heart broken is bad enough without having it splattered all over every tabloid from here to freaking Hong Kong. I should know. I've had my heart broken plenty of times. But having said that, I'm going to go back to being mean, 'cause hey, that's me.

Michael Blaine

2005-12-22T23:30:00.000-05:00

Tiff, this post is kind of for you. I heard a song, well, it's the same 'apple from the tree' song I was telling you about. The more I listen to it, the more it reminds me of Blaine, actually. You know I love that little shithead. Couldn't love him any more if he was my own...which, at one time, he did call me daddy! :-P Silly child. Anyway, I've changed some of the lyrics around a little, but this is what I think of when I think of Blaine.

I look at him and I see a boy, I see trouble and I see joy
See innocence and headstrong and a heart full of dreams
I look at him and I'm so amazed, I'm so proud and so afraid
That the apple didn't fall quite far enough from the tree...

Already says when he grows up he's gonna have a big ole truck
I can see him getting stuck on some private property
He'll take chances, he'll take dares
Keep his mama and daddy scared to death when he goes out at night
Lord, I bet they'll never sleep
Guess they'll get what their parents got from them...

'Cause I look at him and I see a teen, having fun, doing stupid things
I see roadblocks, I see mistakes, I see heartbreak he can't see
I look at him and I'm so amazed, I'm so proud and so afraid
That the apple didn't fall quite far enough from the tree...

Yep, that's my Michael Blaine. Love you Punk!

@%$@%@!!!

2005-12-19T20:15:00.000-05:00

I HATE PEOPLE. I don't discriminate...I hate everyone equally at this moment. One of these years I will learn (doubt it) NOT TO GO Christmas shopping the weekend before Christmas! People are insanely rude and unbelievable! I got so tired of people walking all over me and basically pushing me out of their way that I started doing the same thing back! And I almost feel bad now...almost, but I even TOLD some people 'hey, you're in my way'. I guess I got it all done, except one gift I've still got to buy...but I just hate what Christmas has become. And I hate it more and more. It's too materialized, too commercialized. How many gifts you can get, how expensive they can be...all that crap. It's ridiculous.

On the other hand, 2nd full day of being unemployed...still loving it! Didn't really get much done today, but I did go through 4 rolls of wrapping paper wrapping presents, so I guess I got something accomplished. Still need to freaking pack. Booooooooooooooy, do I need to pack. I can't believe we're moving in a week. Ok, so it's not officially moving moving, since we'll be staying with my other sister till I find a place, but we are for all intents and purposes relocating. Most of my stuff will still be here...Heaven help me now. I just wanna run away...

December 16th

2005-12-16T23:10:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm officially unemployed, but that's beside the point. I'm liking it, though. Just wish it was paid, but that would be too easy. Even though it's almost over, it just hit me that this is December 16th. Obviously, genius, you're saying. Being the sentimental fool I am, December 16th has held a very special place in my heart. Remember what it was like to really fall in love that first time? Yeah. December 16, 1995 was that date for me. That was the night I met the first real love of my life. And it, and he changed my world forever. I've always heard that we are who we are today because of the people who've been in our lives along the way. Well, this guy made more of an impact than any other guy before or since. Like I said, he was my first love. First loves do that. And I'll be the first to admit that I never really got over him. I believe that when you really, truly love someone, you always do to some extent. That feeling, once felt, never goes away. I still remember one of my friends telling me when it ended there was no way I could've loved him. And I remember thinking, if it wasn't love, what was it? Cause it sure hurt like love. I found a Jason Aldean song that's almost perfect...but then, so many lost love songs are 'almost perfect' where he's concerned. Anyway, I wanted to share this. It's been altered, though not much, because like I said, it's so close to perfect.

It was the winter of ’95, I fell in love and I learned to drive. Me and Roy didn’t waste no time, went zero to 65 one night. Being young was getting old, we were heading down a dead end road. But we didn’t care, we were on a roll. Hanging on for the ride, those lines that we were crossing, carelessly tossing caution to the wind were wearing thin. We were living for the minute, loving every second of it. Fearless, wild, and free, nothing could stop us but one day time caught up with us and woke us up in the middle of our dream, but not before he loved me. I think we thought that it would last, but looking back I had to laugh. What a mess we made of that, now I’m not sure that I would want it back. We learned a little bit about love, what it wasn’t and what it was. It was fast and it was fun, the beginning of the end of us. One day that road just ran out, but I still travel down it now and then…

Don't have a clue where he is now, who he is. Don't even remember who I was back then. Guess like we all were at 17. Young, crazy, restless, naive...invincible. Nothing and no one would ever hurt us. Then...life happens. I don't regret a minute of it. It was amazing.

'Love you get over in two months, big love you get over in two years, and great love, well great love...changes your life.'

Yee...haw.

2005-12-15T17:49:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I had my wisdom teeth out yesterday...yay me. And apparently I'm rather humorous when I'm out of my mind on anethesia. I even make up my own little hand-arm waving sign language...and of course, even though I was expressly told to keep my mouth shut, my mouth never stopped going. Nice to know some things never change. And so, today was my last day at work, and I missed it. I went, mind you, but by the time I got there I was hurting so bad I was crying, so they sent me home. So much for having this big sad tearful goodbye. My last day was spent in my bed passed out. But I'm not feeling any pain right now!!! Gotta love it. And since I really have no idea what I'm typing anyway, I'm gonna go cuddle up under my electric blanket and pass out while watching some dumb movie. :-) I'm officially unemployed!

Assets...minus 2

2005-12-13T21:09:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUSTIN!!!

Two more days left. So many mixed emotions. Excitement, fear, stress, sadness. All equally strong. This is gonna be interesting. You'd think I'd be used to packing up my life by now and heading on out...I've done it enough. It's time to go. I have to get out of Richwood. There's no other option. Definitely going to miss my co-workers though. That's a big part of the sadness. I was blessed with an absolutely amazing group of people to work with. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I know I'll never get that lucky again. And I've also realized that my past has screwed me up more than I realized. The part that really ticks me off is that I let them. Maybe for once, I can fix that. Especially now that I know there's a problem and I'm making a conscious effort to change it. I guess only time will tell, huh? I've learned that the only consistent feature in all of my dysfunctional relationships...IS ME. Well, I guess at least some things never change. That's reassuring. :-P Alright, since I'm having oral surgery tomorrow (wisdom teeth out, FINALLY) and can't eat anything after midnight...and my surgery isn't till 11, which blows...I'm gonna go eat myself senseless and go to bed so I don't torture myself any more than necessary. Wish me luck and whatever. Yikes.

But I Do

2005-12-09T23:27:00.000-05:00

I've had a helluva time trying to post! It hasn't let me! Don't know why, but here I am! You can smile again! :-P I heard the coolest song. It's by a girl named Jessica Dean. It's called But I Do. I LOVE this line! Funny thing about pride, it's supposed to make you strong. But it'll let you lose your heart before it lets you say you're wrong. Dang...if that ain't the truth sometimes. My ADD is getting worse. I'm under stress. WTF was I thinking??? Quitting one job, moving, changing Chaney's schools, starting a new job, and the HOLIDAYS ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!! OMG. Heaven help me now.

And how do you help your child when one too many people she knows has died in a car accident and she is now terrified to go anywhere in a vehicle for fear of getting killed? I'm a licensed therapist...but I'm at a complete loss as to how to help my own kid. When it's someone else's life, it's always easier to tell them what to do and help them with it, but when it's your own...not so easy. Anyone have any suggestions? I've already talked to her about God having a plan for each of us, and that when it was our time, it was time to go, no matter how old you are or what you're doing at that time. But it doesn't make sense to ME sometimes; how's a 10 year old supposed to understand? You want to protect your kids from anything that could hurt them...how do you protect them from something that's a part of life? At the very least, how do you keep them from being severely emotionally damaged by it? I'm 27, she's 10. She's had almost as much death in her life in 10 years that I've had in 27. That's got to have a major effect. It's affecting ME! I know it's doing things to her. I can't very well tell her that it's ok, and this or that won't happen...BUT I DON'T KNOW. And it breaks my heart that this isn't one of those things you can kiss and make it all better.

Pearl Harbor

2005-12-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

Wow...64 years since Pearl Harbor. Maybe I'm crazy, but as the surviving veterans get older and pass away, I can't help but feel we're losing something major. It's the end of a generation. Obviously, but it won't be long till there aren't any of them left. No one to tell the stories, no one who was there, who experienced that and lived to tell the tale. Check out this site: Passing of a Generation. It's really moving. "We are losing an incredible generation, and this nation knows not what it is losing."

I treasure my remark to a grandson who asked, "Grandpa, were you a hero in the war?" "No", I answered, "But I served in a company of heroes". ~Richard Winters quoting Mike Ranney, Band of Brothers

World AIDS Day

2005-12-01T21:38:00.000-05:00

At the end of 2004, the CDC estimates that 415,193 people were living with AIDS in the USA.
Of these,
35% were white
43% were black
20% were Hispanic
1% were of other race/ethnicity.

Of the adults and adolescents with AIDS, 77% were men. Of these men,
58% were men who had sex with men (MSM)
21% were injection drug users (IDU)
11% were exposed through heterosexual contact
8% were both MSM and IDU.

Of the 93,566 adult and adolescent women with AIDS,
64% were exposed through heterosexual contact
34% were exposed through injection drug use.

An estimated 3,927 children were living with AIDS at the end of 2004, of whom 97% probably acquired the infection from their mothers.

...WOW. Just wanted to do my part to spread the awareness. Have a happy Friday and great weekend!

Moooooving on up...

2005-11-25T18:22:00.000-05:00

Well, it's official...I suppose I'm moving. I accepted the position Tuesday and turned in my resignation letter. I'll stay on there until Dec. 15th, and the new job doesn't start until Dec. 21st. Now comes the time for all the doubts to sink in. What if this and what if that...oh crap. But I'm actually not doing too badly. Because everything inside me is telling me that this is what I need to be doing right now. I sent out somewhere around 13 resumes and/or applications to places...THIS is the one that worked out. And I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason. So here we go. Off to join the world. Starting this next chapter of the saga that is mi vida loca. GAH! What am I doing??!?! Oh, the packing...holy crap, that's gonna take forever in itself! Although 75% of my life is still in boxes in closets, I've accumulated a LOT of shit since I came back here! I wish I had a magic wand I could wave and everything would instantly be all nicely boxed up and ready to go when I am. You'd think I'd be used to moving by now. I haven't lived in the same town for more than 2 years since I was 18. That's 9 years of packing and unpacking. I think I already mentioned it, but I'll say it again: I moved FIVE times in SIX years. You'd think I'd have learned to travel lightly...'parently NOT. Holy crap...

5 things...

2005-11-24T23:32:00.000-05:00

This is from the website Time's Fun When You're Having Flies. Thought I'd give it a shot. Give me something to do...

5 snacks you enjoy:
1. Oreos
2. Chocolate covered peanuts
3. Sour cream and onion potato chips
4. String cheese
5. Vanilla flavored Tootsie Rolls

5 songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. Rocky Top
2. Hey Mickey (having a nostalgic night anyway, might as well throw this one in)
3. Who You'd Be Today
4. Cheatin'
5. Miss Me Baby

(I know the lyrics to hundreds and hundreds of songs...obviously, if I'm listing 80s songs, even!)

5 things you would do if you were a millionare:
1. Buy a beach house and a cabin in the mountains
2. Pick a couple favorite charities and be a big contributor
3. Pay off both my sisters' bills and buy them nice homes wherever they wanted
4. QUIT WORK.
5. Run away to one of the homes listed in #1 and write the bestseller that the story of my life is bound to be. ;-)

5 bad habits:
1. biting my nails
2. being afraid to speak my mind
3. Procrastinating
4. avoiding confrontation
5. hitting the snooze button 4,360 times in the morning

5 things you like doing:
1. picking on my kid ;-)
2. Reading
3. wasting time online doing NOTHING
4. just hanging out by a body of water...river, lake, ocean...whatever. it's just relaxing.
5. SLEEPING

5 things you would never wear again:
1. stirrup pants
2. banana combs
3. big hair
4. leg warmers
5. jeans with zippers on the legs

5 favorite toys:
1. Computer
2. mp3 player
3. cell phone
4. board games
5. dvd player

And there you have it. My boring ass answers. But, it was interesting, I suppose. Your turn!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-24T12:50:00.000-05:00

I want to share some of the things that I'm very thankful for with you today, since it is Thanksgiving, after all! They're not in any particular order of importance, because each and every thing is equally important to me.

1. I can hear! (I couldn't hear anything yesterday, and it was freaking scary)
2. Chaney's happy, healthy, and coming home today.
3. I got a new job, and I'm MOOOOOOOVING on up. lol.
4. I have food to eat, clothes to wear, and a roof over my head.
5. I have an amazing family who'll do anything for me, whether it be in good times or in bad.
6. Tiffany has stuck by me and been the other half of me for the past 16 years now. I know I'm not easy to put up with, Tiff...thank you so very much for that.
7. Justin seems to genuinely care about me, in whatever context, calling to check on me, coming to see me, giving me little massages, and willingly putting up with my family in order to spend time with me!
8. I am healthy, for the most part. I can walk, I can talk, I can see and hear. I have no major medical problems.
9. I don't have to go through this holiday with a family member fighting overseas, and those who do are definitely in my prayers.
10. I have the most wonderful friends I could ever ask for. Even though we don't see each other for years at a time sometimes, they're still there, and they still care. Thank you. It's amazing to me that people care enough about me to want to be my friend and share my life and theirs.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

Jump? Sure, How High?

2005-11-21T08:50:00.000-05:00

I've realized something about myself this weekend. There is something wrong. I am a strong, independent, wonderful woman...until I get a penis in my life. Then...what happens??? Men are NOT the center of the universe (women are, of course), so why do I have this overwhelming urge to fall to my knees and kiss the feet of the men in my life, when I have them? What about a man reduces a perfectly (shut up) sane, strong, self-sufficient woman to mush? The man should enhance your life, not be your life. I'm working very hard on that one, but then I stop to think...should it really be this much work? Do men not think and feel this way about a woman? I think I have yet to see that. Or are they just better at hiding their emotions, since they're programmed to be emotionless blobs since birth? I'm thinking entirely too much way too early in the morning. This is NOT cool. I'm going...somewhere.

Following orders!

2005-11-16T20:03:00.000-05:00

I should've listened to the dude on the radio this morning. I was driving to work and he was like, 'here's what we're gonna do: we're all going to go get in our vehicles, drive home, and go back to bed. we'll get back up and start this day over, 'cause this isn't working'. I'm thinking HELL YEAH! If work asks, I'm tellin' 'em you told me to! I actually really did UNFORTUNATELY go to work, even though going back to bed was sounding reallllllllllllllllllly nice, especially in this cold ass rainy weather. But...I only worked 2 1/2 days last week, so I really need to stick it out a full week. Especially since I'll be off at least half a day Monday, Thursday, and hopefully Friday. Do I ever work? Not if I can help it! I need a sugar daddy to baby and spoil me so I don't hafta. I wanna retire. I'm done working. I don't wanna play grown-up anymore.

Wanted: full time MAID

2005-11-12T17:57:00.000-05:00

Why do I bother? What's the point? Seriously. My house is just not meant to be clean. Ever. I dust, vacuum, pick up toys and odds and ends, and 5 seconds later, it looks worse than it did before I started. O. M. G. And I don't know who's worse, my 10 year old daughter or my 50-year old sister! It's a toss up! Chaney's a different story, but my sister and I were not raised to be this messy! I have very distinct memories from my childhood of getting up reaaaaaaaaalllllllllly early in the morning just to use the bathroom and go back to bed, only to go back to bed to find my bed MADE. It's like the woman stood outside my door just waiting for me to get out of it for a minute. I seriously think my sister is rebelling from years of being repressed, and the only way she knows how to do this is to just make a massive mess. Well, I guess better than than taking to drinking. Certainly don't want her checking out the trees again!

Looking for a bigger box of crayons

2005-11-11T21:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm very happy to say that my interview went GREAT. The lady pretty much said that as far as she was concerned, the job was mine. Personnel just has to call my references as a formality. Question is...do I want the job? It's pretty much like the job I have now, only in a different area. Lots of pros and cons. Love the area there, not so sure about the job. What to do, what to do...I don't know! Help?!? Anybody? Should I just flip a coin? Chaney wants to go RIGHT NOW. I do, but I don't know. If the job didn't have on call, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. Here's my main question. I'm looking into 4 other jobs; what if one of them opens up after I take that job? Would it be so bad of me to explore those options? They sound like something I think I might really like. Can I take this job, but keep my options open for these others?

Sweet November

2005-11-06T12:46:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Been...what is it I always say? Oh yeah...OTHERWISE OCCUPIED! Those of you who know me know I don't usually stay lonely long, and now is certainly no exception. Definitely had a smile on my face these days. Things seem to be going pretty well for me. And the icing on the cake is that I have a job interview on Thursday. I'm not getting my hopes up about this place, though. I'm just going to go and see what they have to say. A bunch of us went to the movies last night (about 7 people). Fun times. Don't get to get out much these days. Justin drove, because I don't know Parkersburg that well, and here's a bit of advice: don't let go of the popcorn. Here we are, going down 68, which is this old 2-lane country kind of road, and a deer steps out in front of us. What do I do? LET GO OF THE POPCORN. And I mean a HUGE ass bucket. What does Justin do? The sensible thing...hits the brakes. What does the popcorn do? The entire bucket dumps ALLLLLLLLL over the place. Guess it's a good thing I procrastinated yesterday and didn't clean my car out after all. I'd have been pissed. I have Happy Bunny floormats. That's a decent sized bunny on my floor. All you could see of this poor bunny was the tips of his ears. So much for taking the popcorn home! And a little while down the road, Ashley's like, "I smell popcorn". Geez, GENIUS! Ya don't say! Oh well. I'm getting old. My nights and my stories are getting tame. And I KNOW I'm old when it's only 10:00 and we're out of the movie and I'm thinking, let's just go home and hang out. Or maybe I'm finally just getting my priorities straight. In any case, I'm not crying anymore. There's definitely a smile back on my face, and I'm just having fun. No expectations, no regrets. But there is definitely something magical about that first kiss, no matter who or how old you are...

One Year

2005-10-28T19:05:00.000-04:00

...sometimes I wonder who you'd be today...

Bobby Hammons
September 19, 1972
October 28, 2004

...the only thing that gives me hope is I know I'll see you again someday.

the first year's the hardest, but it's been a year now. it doesn't hurt any less, maybe even a little more, if possible, because of the truth finally sinking in that you're really gone. maybe if something made sense. maybe if we'd known there'd come a day when you wouldn't be there anymore. but i'm glad i didn't know. that would've changed everything. and for what it's worth, i wouldn't have changed a thing, except to say to you "yes Bobby, I remember". and now, i'll never forget again. i've said it 50 thousand times before, and i'll say it the rest of my life. you're not supposed to bury your friends at 32 years old. life's just not supposed to work that way. it should've never been you. you were one of the few genuinely good guys out there. i guess the good really do die young.

WTF

2005-10-25T21:28:00.000-04:00

Ok, WHO WISHED ALL THIS SNOW ON ME?!?! It's only October! Take it back, dammit! This is just so wrong. I had to share with you, dear readers, what happened to me this morning. For some reason, at 4:57 this morning, I shot up out of bed and just stood up. Wide awake, ready to go. Why can't I get up when the alarm goes off??? Anyway, I go over to my box of Kleenex, pull one out of the box to blow my nose, and OUUUUUUUUUCH...WTF?!?! There was a friggin WASP in my Kleenex! I got stung on my freaking face at 5am! What a way to start the day! And I'm allergic to them! Luckily this one barely got me because I'm not stupid enough to hold something up to my face that's stinging me! So I kept an eye on it for awhile, and called work to tell them that I would not be coming in this morning, because I had been stung. They laughed at me and asked me where I got a wasp in this weather! Such wonderful people they are. And I have to thank my oldest niece, who sent me this Coors Light email that had a Frankenstein dude pop up in it at the end. This green idiot scared my 10-year old so badly that she screamed bloody murder, started crying hysterically and shaking like nothing I've ever seen! I had to literally hold her basket-style for 10 minutes to calm her down, and she didn't speak for 26 minutes! And any of you who have kids or know how kids are...they're not usually that quiet that long. She was FREAKED the hell out. No more scary things, people, please?!?! And if they are, I don't care if it spoils it or not, please give me some kind of warning so she's not standing around while I'm looking at it? I'd hate to have to commit my 10 year old for a complete nervous breakdown!

Voicemail messages

2005-10-21T23:17:00.000-04:00

I love changing my voicemail message often. It confuses people, and it seems like the only things in my life that doesn't have to be all freaking serious and "professional". It's my funny. My current one says something like, 'You've reached the Short Term Memory Loss Clinic. To set up an appointment, press 1. To set up an appointment, press 1. To set up an appointment, press 1...' And you get it. I've been getting very amusing voicemails from people. My latest one is from my friend Spanky (don't ask...I don't even wanna know). He calls, and is like 'yeah, I want to set up an appointment. *silence for a few seconds* Uhhhh...well HELL, I forgot what I was even gonna tell you!' lol...so apparently it also helps people FORGET what they're calling to tell me. Which sometimes could be a good thing...ahhhhhhhhhh...Thank GOD it's Friday. But it's kind of pointless, since I'm on call Sunday. Geesh. No rest at all.

HELP

2005-10-19T19:57:00.000-04:00

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and The Breast Cancer Site is having trouble getting enough clicks to fund 750 mammograms. Please help. This is very important to me. I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 15, and my sister lost her best friend to the disease in 2003. Statistics show that 1 in 8 women will have the disease at some point in her life. Each year 182,000 women are diagnosed with breast cancer, and 43,300 will die from it. Not to mention men: this year, 1,600 men will be diagnosed with it, and 400 will die. Don't become a statistic. Click now. One day it could be you.

New law

2005-10-17T20:44:00.000-04:00

This is what I hear on the radio as I'm going to Wal-Mart today...where I proceeded to LOSE MY FREAKING CAR, but that's another story. This is how stressed out I am! I lost my car at Wal-Mart! I was one of those people I make fun of! Oh yeah...that's not what I heard. I heard that, in California, they are complaining about the gases of COWS. Apparently cow farts are polluting the air and doing something to the ozone layer. Ummmm...WHAT?!?! I don't know how many cows are in California, but how many cows would it take for their farts to damage the ozone layer? Holy crap! I didn't think the poor lady giving this bit of news was going to be able to get it all out for laughing. So, from what I gather, they're going to pass a law next year to regulate cow farts...hmmmmmmmm...would someone like to enlighten me as to HOW??!?! That's what it was! The news shocked me so much I forgot where I parked! Yep, I blame them. So, if anyone out there in Cali reads this, could you please shed some light on this? I do believe I've heard it all now...

View from the top...

2005-10-15T23:11:00.000-04:00

Had to include this pic, in reference to my last post. Look at the pretty little lemmings floating to the ground...or water...or trees, in some cases! Not I, said the spider to the fly. But I do admire those with the courage to do that. A plane, maybe. A bridge, NO. Not gonna happen. But ain't it purty? :-P

Bridge Day 2005

2005-10-15T22:50:00.000-04:00

Hello all...spent today at Bridge Day. I know it's a major tourist thing for WV, but it never ceases to amaze me that WV has a day to specifically celebrate a BRIDGE, and then proceeds to let people jump like lemmings off this bridge (although I've been told lemming suicide is fiction, but whatever. You get my point.)!! What a great freaking state I'm in!

And I'm becoming such a freaking chick. Tiff, you need to come back NOW and knock some sense into me. I'm getting all icky yucky mushy sentimental, and I'M LIKING CHICK FLICKS. Dude, that's just wrong. I just got done watching a movie with one of those Hollywood embraces where the couple run toward each other and kiss passionately when they meet, and I have two thoughts at this: #1--I want someone to kiss me like that again, and #2--that kiss would never work for me, because the klutz I am, I'd injure something in the process of running and embracing. :-P But it's a nice thought all the same, I guess. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go offset this icky yucky mushy crap with something either stupidly funny or frighteningly scary. Considering it's October...might go for the scary. Wish me luck!