moved all gone away

dang, sorry I haven't posted since the beginning of the month! Y'all knew that I was getting a new job and moving, right? well, i moved and started that new job this week. as with any change, it takes some getting used to, but i am 1000 times happier than i've been in a long time. i'm loving living with larry, but i learned something the very first night...i am an extremely difficult person to live with. so what now? he's being extremely patient and supportive, which helps, given that i've never lived with a guy before, and swore i never would unless i was married! but given the circumstances, financially it's for the best, and i know we're going to get married, so that seems to make it all ok in my head. but again, the co-habitating still is a new thing. i'm having to adjust to keeping in mind that my moods and my decisions don't only affect me now, but they affect him as well. sometimes worse for him, because i've had almost 28 years to get used to the way i am...he's had 2 months. but we're just swimming along (although sometimes upstream, it seems) and making it through just fine. he can be moody and stubborn too, so it's a learning experience for both of us. by tomorrow, we should both be geniuses! is that even a word? it is now! i'm doing amazingly better in this job than i thought i would. apparently i have more experience and know more about what i'm doing than i thought i did, which is amazing, considering i've never been properly trained. they just kind of threw me in everywhere else and it was sink or swim. my new boss is wonderful. he sits in my sessions with me and offers constructive criticism and suggestions and a great deal of help. i'm finally being trained to do a job i've been doing for years! well...better late than never. and to all my former clients who were essentially my guinea pigs...I'M PROFOUNDLY SORRY. i really truly hope i helped you more than i harmed you, but in all honesty, i really don't know whether i made much of an impact either way. how can you when you were never taught to do what you're doing? that's like me going out and arresting someone without ever having any training on how to be a police officer. EEK. i would say it worries me, but the damage (hopefully lack of) is done; learn from it and move on. and so...that's my life. one big learning experience after another this week...like i said above, by tomorrow, i should be a genius!

be still.

stress? what stress? @#$#@%!!!!

Ok, breathe. Feeling very stressed out and overwhelmed lately. I don't know which I'm more stressed out about...the whole moving, new job situation, or the bills that are creeping up on me. I know the new job will be wonderful once I get going, for so many reasons...namely, more money and no on call, as I've already mentioned. Right now I'm focusing more on the MORE MONEY part, especially since it seems like I come home every day to a stack of bills, then I go to my sister's on the weekend to another stack of crap. Just feeling very overwhelmed by it all right now. I've started getting Chaney's child support, which is going to help take care of her stuff, but I'm only getting $126 a week, which to me, given that the current amount is $437 and he owes me over $16,000 in back support, doesn't add up quite right. But whatever. I guess I shouldn't complain, because after all this time at least I'm finally getting SOMETHING. But still, when you've got a $700 credit card bill from her dentist, 2 other credit card bills because you had to buy the poor thing clothes, the braces she'll have to get, and the every day food, water, clothing, etc....$126 a week doesn't seem like much help. But it'll have to do. And it's better than nothing. That's $504 a month I wasn't getting until now. I know things will work out and the bills will sort themselves out; they always do. But when you're buried underneath a stack of them and can't see the sky above you, you have to wonder. And the whole time I'm under here fuming about my situation, my head keeps screaming: I DID NOT BUST MY ASS IN GRADUATE SCHOOL TO STILL BE THIS FRIGGIN' POOR. But hopefully, God willing, with this new job, things will finally start to turn around. No more 'let's pay a little on this now, and a little on that and save the others for later', and no more 'so what are we paying this time? car payment or student loan payment?' I'm hoping and praying it'll be soon I'll have the car paid off and can just be like dude, let's pay double on the student loans! *sigh*. Larry keeps saying he'll help me out however he can, but I can't let him do that. It's not HIS responsibility to pay MY bills. His reasoning is 'yeah, but when we're married it will be, so why should it be any different now?'. Because we're not married yet. His money is still his, mine is still mine. I wouldn't be so eager to give it away, 'cause later he'll regret it. :-P But in any case, there's nothing I can do about it at 1:15am, especially when I can't even get on my BB&T site to check my online statement. So what else is there to do but go to bed? Hopefully NOT to dream about more freaking bills!

...by the way, had a freak accident with Ms. Clairol...will have to share the pics when I upload them.

memory lane...

I'd forgotten what one of the best cures for a lonely night is...a walk down memory lane with an old, dear friend. Wow...nothing cures the blues quite like reminiscing about 'the good ole days'. Unless, of course, doing so makes you even sadder, in which case, not generally a good idea. But in my case, it was just what the therapist ordered. Larry's stuck in BFE, Pennsylvania for the next 2 weeks for leadership school for the military, which means I very VERY seldom get to hear that precious voice, which also means I'm having severe withdrawals and am very lonely and blue. Enter Kendra Sue. Between telling me about her pending divorce, her crush on "the hottest guy ever" # 3,681, and the inevitable walk down memory lane, which means catching up on all the gossip and scandals of my beloved Tennessee town, I am now feeling perfectly at peace and content again. And it really helps to know that even though I've been gone from Oneida since 1999, people haven't forgotten me. People still ask about me. Didn't know I was that memorable. But then again, my time there, though way too short, has never left me either. Tennessee is my soul, it's 200 years of who I am. Someday, I will be back there. Someday, I'll never have to leave again. West Virginia is probably fine, but there's nothing like Tennessee. Nothing like the warm nights on the front porches, big family get-togethers and that Southern hospitality you can't find anywhere else but...obviously, in the South. How can someone get so attached to a PLACE? I know that it shouldn't matter where you are, it should be what you make of it...but I'm telling you, with Tennessee, it's more than that. I didn't even want to be there when I first went, but it ended up bringing me the happiest years of my life, that I have yet to equal, much less surpass. I know my life with Larry will be great and wonderful and happy, but it won't be perfect unless...UNTIL we're in Tennessee. What is it about that place that has me so...I don't know, obsessed? Is it normal, or even possible, to be in love with a place?