Last day of 2005

Well, I survived my first week. It went ok, I guess, work-wise, at least. My love life is apparently shot all to hell again, since I haven't spoken to him since he chose WRESTLING over ME last Monday. I tried calling, he doesn't answer. Screw it. If that's how it's gonna be, fine with me. I'm in a new town with new people and new opportunities. Don't need to waste my time on someone where I never know whether it's on again or off again. I wrote this big...whatever at work the other day, and when I find it, I'll post that too to share. It's rather interesting. It's bits of...reflection, I guess, interspersed with song lyrics, 'cause y'all know me...I love my music.

Things, for the most part, are going ok here. I've been more down lately, trying to get adjusted and all this crap going on with Mr. Man, but I'm hanging in there. Chaney's not doing so well. She's having adjustment problems, but I knew she would. She really misses my sister badly, and it definitely showed today in one of her little tantrums. Just a minor one, really. Kicking the shoes across the room, screaming, crying...not a major one. And even with that one, my poor sister was like...whoa...wtf? Me, I'm like, don't take it personally, and that's nothing compared to some others.

I've learned this past week that I should go off on her father more often. He actually gives me money for her if I do. He gave me double what he usually gives me. He doesn't quite know what to do with a bold, assertive...ok, BITCH me. He's used to the old me he could beat up on and order around. He's rather speechless, and it's rather awesome. I'm liking this new me. If only I could be more of a bitch with people in general. Maybe that'll be my New Years resolution...stand up for myself more. That, and my usual: EAT MORE CHOCOLATE. I KNOW I can keep that one. What's yours? Anybody making one?

freaking out a little...

It's Friday night. We leave Monday. I'm freaking out. What am I doing? Can I do this? Do I really want to, when it comes down to it? Ok, that last one was dumb. Hell yeah, I wanna do it. Just a little apprehensive about turning everybody's lives upside down because I get a wild hair up my ass and decide to take off. It's not just me things affect anymore. I don't know if this fear I have is exacerbated by being sick or what, but for some reason tonight, I am definitely feeling it. And I'm not liking it.

I think my first clue to re-think this was when I decided to clean the fish tank tonight. Big mistake. I forgot to unplug the heater, so it shattered when it had no water to heat. Then, I thought I broke the filter when I took it out to clean...thankfully, I was able to fix it. And to top it off, my big dumb ass decided hey, instead of carrying about 15 gallons of water (which is about how much I took out; it's a 29-gallon tank) back and forth in buckets, I'm gonna get the water hose and fill it up! HA! I brought the hose upstairs, put it in the tank, ran down to turn it on, and came upstairs...to a freaking water fountain in my living room. The stupid hose came out of the tank and was watering the Christmas tree and carpet very nicely. Holy crap. I got it in the tank, and filled it up, and managed to either freeze the fish or just stun them because they finally have decently clean water. I thought the suckers were dead. Nahhhh...just in shock from my stupidity. *sigh*...Tomorrow we'll tackle...nothing, at this rate. :-P

Does someone want to explain to me why I LOVE Newlyweds now that Nick and Jessica split up? I've watched it all evening. I'm...twisted, I guess. Hearing the lovey dovey songs and them talking about doing this, that, and the other and how they'll be at whatever age...and I'm thinking, NOOOOO, YOU WON'T!!!! HAHAHAHAHA...I'm so mean. :-X I really do feel badly for them though. I wouldn't mind being rich, but I wouldn't want to be famous. Life is hard enough without having every single move you make photographed and scrutinized to death. Getting your heart broken is bad enough without having it splattered all over every tabloid from here to freaking Hong Kong. I should know. I've had my heart broken plenty of times. But having said that, I'm going to go back to being mean, 'cause hey, that's me.

Michael Blaine

Tiff, this post is kind of for you. I heard a song, well, it's the same 'apple from the tree' song I was telling you about. The more I listen to it, the more it reminds me of Blaine, actually. You know I love that little shithead. Couldn't love him any more if he was my own...which, at one time, he did call me daddy! :-P Silly child. Anyway, I've changed some of the lyrics around a little, but this is what I think of when I think of Blaine.

I look at him and I see a boy, I see trouble and I see joy
See innocence and headstrong and a heart full of dreams
I look at him and I'm so amazed, I'm so proud and so afraid
That the apple didn't fall quite far enough from the tree...

Already says when he grows up he's gonna have a big ole truck
I can see him getting stuck on some private property
He'll take chances, he'll take dares
Keep his mama and daddy scared to death when he goes out at night
Lord, I bet they'll never sleep
Guess they'll get what their parents got from them...

'Cause I look at him and I see a teen, having fun, doing stupid things
I see roadblocks, I see mistakes, I see heartbreak he can't see
I look at him and I'm so amazed, I'm so proud and so afraid
That the apple didn't fall quite far enough from the tree...

Yep, that's my Michael Blaine. Love you Punk!

@%$@%@!!!

I HATE PEOPLE. I don't discriminate...I hate everyone equally at this moment. One of these years I will learn (doubt it) NOT TO GO Christmas shopping the weekend before Christmas! People are insanely rude and unbelievable! I got so tired of people walking all over me and basically pushing me out of their way that I started doing the same thing back! And I almost feel bad now...almost, but I even TOLD some people 'hey, you're in my way'. I guess I got it all done, except one gift I've still got to buy...but I just hate what Christmas has become. And I hate it more and more. It's too materialized, too commercialized. How many gifts you can get, how expensive they can be...all that crap. It's ridiculous.

On the other hand, 2nd full day of being unemployed...still loving it! Didn't really get much done today, but I did go through 4 rolls of wrapping paper wrapping presents, so I guess I got something accomplished. Still need to freaking pack. Booooooooooooooy, do I need to pack. I can't believe we're moving in a week. Ok, so it's not officially moving moving, since we'll be staying with my other sister till I find a place, but we are for all intents and purposes relocating. Most of my stuff will still be here...Heaven help me now. I just wanna run away...

December 16th

Ok, I'm officially unemployed, but that's beside the point. I'm liking it, though. Just wish it was paid, but that would be too easy. Even though it's almost over, it just hit me that this is December 16th. Obviously, genius, you're saying. Being the sentimental fool I am, December 16th has held a very special place in my heart. Remember what it was like to really fall in love that first time? Yeah. December 16, 1995 was that date for me. That was the night I met the first real love of my life. And it, and he changed my world forever. I've always heard that we are who we are today because of the people who've been in our lives along the way. Well, this guy made more of an impact than any other guy before or since. Like I said, he was my first love. First loves do that. And I'll be the first to admit that I never really got over him. I believe that when you really, truly love someone, you always do to some extent. That feeling, once felt, never goes away. I still remember one of my friends telling me when it ended there was no way I could've loved him. And I remember thinking, if it wasn't love, what was it? Cause it sure hurt like love. I found a Jason Aldean song that's almost perfect...but then, so many lost love songs are 'almost perfect' where he's concerned. Anyway, I wanted to share this. It's been altered, though not much, because like I said, it's so close to perfect.

It was the winter of ’95, I fell in love and I learned to drive. Me and Roy didn’t waste no time, went zero to 65 one night. Being young was getting old, we were heading down a dead end road. But we didn’t care, we were on a roll. Hanging on for the ride, those lines that we were crossing, carelessly tossing caution to the wind were wearing thin. We were living for the minute, loving every second of it. Fearless, wild, and free, nothing could stop us but one day time caught up with us and woke us up in the middle of our dream, but not before he loved me. I think we thought that it would last, but looking back I had to laugh. What a mess we made of that, now I’m not sure that I would want it back. We learned a little bit about love, what it wasn’t and what it was. It was fast and it was fun, the beginning of the end of us. One day that road just ran out, but I still travel down it now and then…

Don't have a clue where he is now, who he is. Don't even remember who I was back then. Guess like we all were at 17. Young, crazy, restless, naive...invincible. Nothing and no one would ever hurt us. Then...life happens. I don't regret a minute of it. It was amazing.

'Love you get over in two months, big love you get over in two years, and great love, well great love...changes your life.'

Yee...haw.

Ok, so I had my wisdom teeth out yesterday...yay me. And apparently I'm rather humorous when I'm out of my mind on anethesia. I even make up my own little hand-arm waving sign language...and of course, even though I was expressly told to keep my mouth shut, my mouth never stopped going. Nice to know some things never change. And so, today was my last day at work, and I missed it. I went, mind you, but by the time I got there I was hurting so bad I was crying, so they sent me home. So much for having this big sad tearful goodbye. My last day was spent in my bed passed out. But I'm not feeling any pain right now!!! Gotta love it. And since I really have no idea what I'm typing anyway, I'm gonna go cuddle up under my electric blanket and pass out while watching some dumb movie. :-) I'm officially unemployed!

Assets...minus 2

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUSTIN!!!

Two more days left. So many mixed emotions. Excitement, fear, stress, sadness. All equally strong. This is gonna be interesting. You'd think I'd be used to packing up my life by now and heading on out...I've done it enough. It's time to go. I have to get out of Richwood. There's no other option. Definitely going to miss my co-workers though. That's a big part of the sadness. I was blessed with an absolutely amazing group of people to work with. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I know I'll never get that lucky again. And I've also realized that my past has screwed me up more than I realized. The part that really ticks me off is that I let them. Maybe for once, I can fix that. Especially now that I know there's a problem and I'm making a conscious effort to change it. I guess only time will tell, huh? I've learned that the only consistent feature in all of my dysfunctional relationships...IS ME. Well, I guess at least some things never change. That's reassuring. :-P Alright, since I'm having oral surgery tomorrow (wisdom teeth out, FINALLY) and can't eat anything after midnight...and my surgery isn't till 11, which blows...I'm gonna go eat myself senseless and go to bed so I don't torture myself any more than necessary. Wish me luck and whatever. Yikes.

But I Do

I've had a helluva time trying to post! It hasn't let me! Don't know why, but here I am! You can smile again! :-P I heard the coolest song. It's by a girl named Jessica Dean. It's called But I Do. I LOVE this line! Funny thing about pride, it's supposed to make you strong. But it'll let you lose your heart before it lets you say you're wrong. Dang...if that ain't the truth sometimes. My ADD is getting worse. I'm under stress. WTF was I thinking??? Quitting one job, moving, changing Chaney's schools, starting a new job, and the HOLIDAYS ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!! OMG. Heaven help me now.

And how do you help your child when one too many people she knows has died in a car accident and she is now terrified to go anywhere in a vehicle for fear of getting killed? I'm a licensed therapist...but I'm at a complete loss as to how to help my own kid. When it's someone else's life, it's always easier to tell them what to do and help them with it, but when it's your own...not so easy. Anyone have any suggestions? I've already talked to her about God having a plan for each of us, and that when it was our time, it was time to go, no matter how old you are or what you're doing at that time. But it doesn't make sense to ME sometimes; how's a 10 year old supposed to understand? You want to protect your kids from anything that could hurt them...how do you protect them from something that's a part of life? At the very least, how do you keep them from being severely emotionally damaged by it? I'm 27, she's 10. She's had almost as much death in her life in 10 years that I've had in 27. That's got to have a major effect. It's affecting ME! I know it's doing things to her. I can't very well tell her that it's ok, and this or that won't happen...BUT I DON'T KNOW. And it breaks my heart that this isn't one of those things you can kiss and make it all better.

Pearl Harbor

Wow...64 years since Pearl Harbor. Maybe I'm crazy, but as the surviving veterans get older and pass away, I can't help but feel we're losing something major. It's the end of a generation. Obviously, but it won't be long till there aren't any of them left. No one to tell the stories, no one who was there, who experienced that and lived to tell the tale. Check out this site: Passing of a Generation. It's really moving. "We are losing an incredible generation, and this nation knows not what it is losing."

I treasure my remark to a grandson who asked, "Grandpa, were you a hero in the war?" "No", I answered, "But I served in a company of heroes". ~Richard Winters quoting Mike Ranney, Band of Brothers

World AIDS Day

At the end of 2004, the CDC estimates that 415,193 people were living with AIDS in the USA.
Of these,
35% were white
43% were black
20% were Hispanic
1% were of other race/ethnicity.

Of the adults and adolescents with AIDS, 77% were men. Of these men,
58% were men who had sex with men (MSM)
21% were injection drug users (IDU)
11% were exposed through heterosexual contact
8% were both MSM and IDU.

Of the 93,566 adult and adolescent women with AIDS,
64% were exposed through heterosexual contact
34% were exposed through injection drug use.

An estimated 3,927 children were living with AIDS at the end of 2004, of whom 97% probably acquired the infection from their mothers.

...WOW. Just wanted to do my part to spread the awareness. Have a happy Friday and great weekend!