One Year

...sometimes I wonder who you'd be today...

Bobby Hammons
September 19, 1972
October 28, 2004

...the only thing that gives me hope is I know I'll see you again someday.

the first year's the hardest, but it's been a year now. it doesn't hurt any less, maybe even a little more, if possible, because of the truth finally sinking in that you're really gone. maybe if something made sense. maybe if we'd known there'd come a day when you wouldn't be there anymore. but i'm glad i didn't know. that would've changed everything. and for what it's worth, i wouldn't have changed a thing, except to say to you "yes Bobby, I remember". and now, i'll never forget again. i've said it 50 thousand times before, and i'll say it the rest of my life. you're not supposed to bury your friends at 32 years old. life's just not supposed to work that way. it should've never been you. you were one of the few genuinely good guys out there. i guess the good really do die young.

WTF

Ok, WHO WISHED ALL THIS SNOW ON ME?!?! It's only October! Take it back, dammit! This is just so wrong. I had to share with you, dear readers, what happened to me this morning. For some reason, at 4:57 this morning, I shot up out of bed and just stood up. Wide awake, ready to go. Why can't I get up when the alarm goes off??? Anyway, I go over to my box of Kleenex, pull one out of the box to blow my nose, and OUUUUUUUUUCH...WTF?!?! There was a friggin WASP in my Kleenex! I got stung on my freaking face at 5am! What a way to start the day! And I'm allergic to them! Luckily this one barely got me because I'm not stupid enough to hold something up to my face that's stinging me! So I kept an eye on it for awhile, and called work to tell them that I would not be coming in this morning, because I had been stung. They laughed at me and asked me where I got a wasp in this weather! Such wonderful people they are. And I have to thank my oldest niece, who sent me this Coors Light email that had a Frankenstein dude pop up in it at the end. This green idiot scared my 10-year old so badly that she screamed bloody murder, started crying hysterically and shaking like nothing I've ever seen! I had to literally hold her basket-style for 10 minutes to calm her down, and she didn't speak for 26 minutes! And any of you who have kids or know how kids are...they're not usually that quiet that long. She was FREAKED the hell out. No more scary things, people, please?!?! And if they are, I don't care if it spoils it or not, please give me some kind of warning so she's not standing around while I'm looking at it? I'd hate to have to commit my 10 year old for a complete nervous breakdown!

Voicemail messages

I love changing my voicemail message often. It confuses people, and it seems like the only things in my life that doesn't have to be all freaking serious and "professional". It's my funny. My current one says something like, 'You've reached the Short Term Memory Loss Clinic. To set up an appointment, press 1. To set up an appointment, press 1. To set up an appointment, press 1...' And you get it. I've been getting very amusing voicemails from people. My latest one is from my friend Spanky (don't ask...I don't even wanna know). He calls, and is like 'yeah, I want to set up an appointment. *silence for a few seconds* Uhhhh...well HELL, I forgot what I was even gonna tell you!' lol...so apparently it also helps people FORGET what they're calling to tell me. Which sometimes could be a good thing...ahhhhhhhhhh...Thank GOD it's Friday. But it's kind of pointless, since I'm on call Sunday. Geesh. No rest at all.

*HELP*

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and The Breast Cancer Site is having trouble getting enough clicks to fund 750 mammograms. Please help. This is very important to me. I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 15, and my sister lost her best friend to the disease in 2003. Statistics show that 1 in 8 women will have the disease at some point in her life. Each year 182,000 women are diagnosed with breast cancer, and 43,300 will die from it. Not to mention men: this year, 1,600 men will be diagnosed with it, and 400 will die. Don't become a statistic. Click now. One day it could be you.

New law

This is what I hear on the radio as I'm going to Wal-Mart today...where I proceeded to LOSE MY FREAKING CAR, but that's another story. This is how stressed out I am! I lost my car at Wal-Mart! I was one of those people I make fun of! Oh yeah...that's not what I heard. I heard that, in California, they are complaining about the gases of COWS. Apparently cow farts are polluting the air and doing something to the ozone layer. Ummmm...WHAT?!?! I don't know how many cows are in California, but how many cows would it take for their farts to damage the ozone layer? Holy crap! I didn't think the poor lady giving this bit of news was going to be able to get it all out for laughing. So, from what I gather, they're going to pass a law next year to regulate cow farts...hmmmmmmmm...would someone like to enlighten me as to HOW??!?! That's what it was! The news shocked me so much I forgot where I parked! Yep, I blame them. So, if anyone out there in Cali reads this, could you please shed some light on this? I do believe I've heard it all now...

View from the top...

Had to include this pic, in reference to my last post. Look at the pretty little lemmings floating to the ground...or water...or trees, in some cases! Not I, said the spider to the fly. But I do admire those with the courage to do that. A plane, maybe. A bridge, NO. Not gonna happen. But ain't it purty? :-P

Bridge Day 2005

Hello all...spent today at Bridge Day. I know it's a major tourist thing for WV, but it never ceases to amaze me that WV has a day to specifically celebrate a BRIDGE, and then proceeds to let people jump like lemmings off this bridge (although I've been told lemming suicide is fiction, but whatever. You get my point.)!! What a great freaking state I'm in!

And I'm becoming such a freaking chick. Tiff, you need to come back NOW and knock some sense into me. I'm getting all icky yucky mushy sentimental, and I'M LIKING CHICK FLICKS. Dude, that's just wrong. I just got done watching a movie with one of those Hollywood embraces where the couple run toward each other and kiss passionately when they meet, and I have two thoughts at this: #1--I want someone to kiss me like that again, and #2--that kiss would never work for me, because the klutz I am, I'd injure something in the process of running and embracing. :-P But it's a nice thought all the same, I guess. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go offset this icky yucky mushy crap with something either stupidly funny or frighteningly scary. Considering it's October...might go for the scary. Wish me luck!

Moving Day

Tiffany Terrell, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU FREAKING LEFT ME! That ain't even cool. I don't like your husband anymore. Not that I ever did anyway, but now I really don't. :-P I'm not going to say I miss you, because I'm still too mad to miss you yet. It hurts. It feels weird. Honestly, I feel like I've lost a part of me. And I know it's completely irrational, because you're only 3 hours away, but something inside me tells me that things will never be the same. And that kills me. No more late night walks, no more hanging out at each others' houses in the evenings, no more coming to get your dog...or your kids, and taking them for walks. I don't deal with change well, in case you haven't noticed. At least, not a lot of change all at once. And I've had a LOT of change lately. First, I lost Gunner, which did a number on me in itself. Then Amber left (at work). Then Audra left. Then they moved my office AGAIN. Now Janie's leaving, and today, Tiff left. All of this in the span on a month. No freaking wonder I'm falling apart. All these people leaving at once! I feel so unwanted. :-( Not really, but I do feel very left behind right now. I feel like I'm the fat kid getting picked last for dodgeball. Everybody's getting picked, everybody's leaving, and I'm still standing here in line! When's it gonna be my turn??? :-( And speaking of Gunner, I just found this, and had to throw it in here.

I wish it was you...The phone ring in the middle of the night. The doorbell in the broad daylight. A letter in the mail that I come home to. I wish it was you. When I see two people on the street touchin' like they don't care who sees. Laughin' the way we used to do...I wish it was me and I wish it was you. *sigh*. Still miss him. Very much.

#8

Happy Birthday Dale Jr! Come here and I'll give you your birthday present. ;-) Yeah, so I applied for a job today...by accident. Did NOT mean to do that, but oh well. We'll see what happens, I guess. It sounds interesting enough. Maybe there's a reason the CLICK HERE TO APPLY button said something entirely different!

And I need to ask a really big favor to all of you out there in bloggerland. If I get thrown in jail, would you bail me out? I'm having reallllllllllly strong urges to just rip a certain someone's arm off and beat them to death with it. And I know this is very un-social worky of me, but I hope this person gets his comeuppance by dying very slowly, a miserable lonely old man nobody wants to be around, for the way he's treating people now. And so...congratulations. You have just met my evil twin...we'll call her...Meenie Me. lol. :-P

Kiley needs...

Holy crap, this could be BAD. Someone on Myspace sent me this thing, similar to the (your name) is thing, only this one is (your name) needs...So let's see what we have, shall we? I know what I need, but what does Google say I need? Out of 384 results, this is what I found out that I need:

1. Kiley needs something to sing on. (Trust me, to preserve everyone's ears, NO, I don't)
2. Kiley needs to get the promotion she deserves (Hell yeah! You tell 'em!)
3. Kiley needs to maintain contact with siblings who are placed separately (hmmm...hopefully not my own! I don't wanna!)
4. Kiley needs to understand one very simple fact (with me, NOTHING is ever simple)
5. Kiley needs a home. (Pwease take me home with you. I'm housebroken!)
6. Kiley needs to get her name, face, and most importantly, her VOICE out there (I agree on that one!)
7. Kiley needs a beating. (What'd I do?!?!)
8. Kiley needs to come back. (Where'd I go? And if I get out, I am NOT coming back!)
9. Kiley needs a new mommy! (Uhhhh...I have absolutely no comment for that one.)
10. KILEY NEEDS A JOB. (NO SHIT.)

And that's all she wrote, folks.

Life...goes...on.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~E.M. Forster

And so, it's been a month since I last heard your voice. A whole month since what the hell ever happened...happened, and you disappeared from my life without a sound or a trace. Just vanished. A long, tearful, painful month since I last heard your voice, because you haven't even bothered to contact me in any way. Soooo...do you think it's over? Sure sounds like it to me. And you know, that's ok. I'd rather fall than never to have flown at all. And yeah, life doesn't go as planned, but I think it's a lot more fun that way. And like Garth says: I could've missed the pain, but then I'd have had to miss the dance. And I wouldn't have missed this for the world. Thank you for asking me to dance, both literally and figuratively. And I know my heart's gonna mend just fine. I guess some things just aren't meant to be. But looking back, you lit up my life, if only for awhile. And I'll always cherish that, even though it ended the way it did. It's not so much the way it ended that hurts, but that it ended at all. We could've been something amazing. But I guess God and life had other plans. It's all good. :-) There's so much about you that I'm gonna miss, but I'm trying to find comfort in knowing that (hopefully) there's someone even better out there for me, and someone who's absolutely going to rock my world and someone, above all, who won't turn and run.

And so...still job hunting. Or education hunting. Something. Anything but this. Anybody have any ideas? Any at all? HELP!!!

Mr. Purple Potato Head

Yay! Someone doesn't think I'm boring! Stef and Tiff, y'all are my friends...you don't count. You HAVE to say nice things. ;-) I have to send out a congrats to Janie, who found out today that she's also leaving me! MY THERAPIST IS LEAVING! What am I going to do? First Onycha, then Amber, then Audra left today, and now Janie! This is not freaking cool! I'm gonna be the only one in that office! Me...all by myself...being super social worker and handling the ENTIRE county's caseload. My ass I am! I barely handle the one I have now! I keep hoping that one of 3 things will happen: #1--I'll win the lottery. #2--some amazing guy will take pity on me and rescue me from this hellish existence that has become my life...or #3--Dale Jr realizes that I'm the woman of his dreams and whisks me off to that gorgeous house in NC and loves me senseless for the rest of my days...which kind of goes along with #2, but oh well. It's my wish, and I'll put it in there if I please? And oh BABY, PLEASE!!! :-X I have a question for those of you out there in blogland...this has been bugging the shit out of me for a long time now...what do you do when you don't KNOW what you wanna do? I want a different career, a different profession, all that, whatever...but I have absolutely no freaking idea what. Give me ideas, please! As much as I'm really not looking forward to going back to school and more student loans, I'm absolutely fed up with all the drama. So...help??! I'm begging!

Dysfunctional Care Bears

Why is it that the oddest things bring back memories. Tiffff...do you remember laying in my apartment in Knoxville thinking, daaaaaaamn that ceiling's gonna hurt if it falls on me? And for some reason, some old fart wearing a cow print baseball cap today brought back this sudden memory of a guy I had a 20 second thing for...and with...back in freaking 1999 or early 2000! Where did THAT come from? But luckily, it just as quickly left. lol. Andthen, as I was in my yard bug-proofing (PLEASE GOD) my house from those damn Asian lady beetles, I had this sudden recollection of cliff diving down Hinkle Mountain back in 1996! WHAT THE HELL?!?! Who knows. My brain is so overloaded and stressed out these days that it's just shooting random stupid stuff out. It can't pack anymore in there, can't take any more stress, so it's just purging itself, I guess. Watch out for sparks! It's gonna BLOW!

I've been reading other people's webpages a lot lately, and mine just don't seem as witty or funny as theirs do. I'M BORING! I have no life! I have plenty of drama and very few dull moments, but I have no life. How is that possible? And I don't know who this chick is, but I stumbled across her page last night and fell in love with it. If you like reading other people's neurotic musings (thanks Brian!), then definitely check out Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper. It's worth it.

Skinned knees and broken hearts

I keep thinking about that quote "Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again...skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts." Thank you Taylor, for that wonderful walk down memory lane...only problem is, I didn't wanna come back. I've been thinking about the past a lot lately. My life is so royally screwed up and stressful and I'm about 12 different shades of fed up, so my mind naturally wants to regress back to a time when life was simple and I was happy...which would be my childhood. Nothing spectacular about it, just really happy memories. And of course, most of them involve my father, who is no longer here, so that could be a big part of it. But obviously, nobody can turn back time. I can just be thankful that I was given a happy child and a family who loves me, and that I have those memories to look back on. So many of my clients don't have that luxury. Which makes me really see how lucky I am.

Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap. ~Barbara Jordan

Works for me! Speaking of which, it's past my bedtime...night!